u/AlarmAdmirable7021

Hello, im F19, and ill be honest I met a guy the first guy i ever spoke to even as a friend when i was in 10th grade so i was like 14 turning 15, we were just friends then i met someone through that friend that I liked, they were kaffirs and i was a child so i didnt really care. i ended up liking the guy we would talk all day then we grew distant. through that guy i was introduced to discord and after a while me and the guy grew distant I stayed liking him for a year and couldnt forget him after that, i was attached then slowly i was introduced to servers on discord. thats how i met so many people then slowly got introduced to instagram groupchats or i guess arab groupchats. and i met a Palestinian boy in those groupchats when i was around 15-16 funny enough im the one that added him into a group chat after he commeted his username on a tik tok to join. after a while i was like oh hes really nice let me dm him, we became friends and from that first day i devolped a crush i guess, but it was never anything serious i never truly liked him, i guess it was just to pass time.

sorry for making this so long.

but yea three months later he told me he wanted to stop talking to me because it was haram and i agreed i felt the same way as well. then after he left i realized i loved him i think. maybe its limerance or attachment but yea every couple of months he would text me and ask me how i was and end the conversation there. three months after we stopped talking he met a girl through instagram, they saw each other once in new york and the girl found his instagram and added him and they have been talking for three years now, only as friends he told me he loves her and he doesnt know her feelings, shes older than him by a year and a hafizah mashallah. i have known him for five years and have been attached for five years. i dont know whether its attachement or love at this point but im 19 now and cant forget him. i keep making dua to marry him and have prayed tahhajjud and prayed so much just for him to love me again and marry me. i have made the dua "ya rab if he is my naseeb please dont remove him from my heart and put me in his heart the way you put him and let us get married and if he isnt my naseeb remove him from my heart and help me forget him and get over this aching pain in my heart easily." i dont say those exact words but i made duas like that ya rab if hes good for me let us get married and if he isnt remove him from my heart. he stopped contacting me every couple months to check up on me because he knows i like him still and it breaks my heart when he texts me because it reminds of the fact that i love him and he doenst love me back. lol writing this im tearing up. but anyways yea fast forward 5 years later i still cant forget him and i just want him gone from my heart i hate this pain so much, i love him and want to marry him but it feels like he isnt my naseeb and i dont want to waste time on something that will never happen, i make dua for him every ramadan to marry him, and whenever i just sit in salah to make dua i always donate after hoping my dua of marrying him comes true, i have even fasted yawm al arafah and made dua and donated 5 times after every dua in hopes that he is my naseeb and he marries me. im just so tired having to wiat five years for something that isnt going to happen. and everytime i pray tahhajud or i make dua i ask for certain signs, like maybe im delusoinal or crazy i have asked a couple times for allah swt to make it rain if hes my naseeb 80/100 times it always happens and i made dua for allah swt to show me a purple car because i rarely see purple cars, that same day i had to go pick my brother up and saw a purple car, then i made countless duas like that they always seem to get answered. idk if its from shaytaan or allah swt, because i heard that shaytaan listens to your duas and sometimes answers them in his ways to get u to commit more haram. but i genuienly cant tell the difference.

i would also like to add this maybe its important. but two months before ramadan this year i didnt think of the guy for a couple weeks, then a week later i had strong urges and reminders of him and felt like i should text him, so i did and we started talking a bit to catch up, but this time it was different we stayed talking, usually he ends the conversation. but this time something felt different between us. keep in mind during this time i started praying tahajjud for him 8 rakats every mornuing making dua ya allah please let him fall in love with me and marry me. after the 5tyh day of praying tahajjud this is a week later btw. i told him i still liked him and if he gave me the chance and spoke to me he would like me again, he kept trying not to and didnt wanna commit the same sin. but ended up trying again so we stayed talking a couple days and he realized he did really like me or so he thought during this time btw he was trying to figure out if he liked me or her the girl he fell in love with for three years. so he prayed so much prayed istikhara and he kept telling me he is gettng sings that im the one, then one day he felt like he was praying istikhara wrong so he told his aunt who is very well informed on the deen and is just very close to islam. he told her his sistuation there are two girls that like him one he likes back the other (me) he isnt sure. but i have been commited for 5 years. after he told her about me and told her about the other girl his aunt told him to choose me because the minute he mentioned me she felt more at ease and calm. also keep in mind whenever him and i would talk or call, he would tell me he feels so much at peace with me and hasnt felt at peace with anyone before. btw during this time i admitted to him that i have been praying for him for the past few weeks, he told me the same time that every week ever since 5 years ago at least once a week he has been praying for me and my happiness and health etc. fast forward a week or two later he goes on a camping trip one day trip no wifi or anything. the next day i ask him what his conclusions were whether he wanted me or her. he sent me a long paragragh saying he cant forget her and although he cares for me so much and gets in pain when im upset. (btw i was upset over call once and he heard me crying that same day he went to pray duhr at the masjid he started crying in prayer due to the thought of me crying) but yea he said in conclusion he wants to marry her and doesnt wnat to hurt me in the long run if we he stayys talking to me because he will always think of her and want her. after that i cried so much and went home and my mom saw me crying and i told her what happened iwth the guy, she was suprised ofc because to her i havent spoken to a guy before, i told heer everything even about my tahajjud signs and eevrything the guy and his aunt said. BTW i js rememebered this all his friends told him to choose me also because they had better feelings about me. but anyways yea i told my mom and she was dissapointed in me and so in the end she said who knows, he might come back and marry you one day. then three days later ramadan started, also when me and that guy started talking again he told me once that he saw a reel on instgram saying that the shaytaan tries to ttrick people two weeks before ramadan and i came into his life again around the same time so he felt like it was the shaytaan tricking him

end of that.

then during ramamdan i made dua that if he wasnt my naseeb for him to remove me off all social media, that was onky one dua out of the hundreds that i made, i also made one that if he is my naseeb for him to text me forst again. funny enough after eid i noticed he removed me off tik tok so to be petty i removed him off snapchat. then couple weeks pass i start getting a strong strong feeling that he will text me soon, funny enough after a 10 hour shift at work i go home open my phone tp find him that he had texted me and sent me a message asking how i have been and checking up on me because he broke my heart so bad. he then told me the reaosn he texted me was because he was opening the cover of a waterbittle and saw my name on the bottle cover and reminded him of me and that he needed to text me, this happened twice, everytime he gets the bottle cap with my name he texts me. ever siince then we havent spoken. he left me on seen after i told him i hated him and o hope the girl he likes marries someone else, ofc i dont mean that but it was a spur of the moment thing because of how hurt i was. i still miss him so much and am so confused on whether he is my naseeb or not.

now this is what i need help with althought i would really aoppreciate advice for the first half, i know im writing so much sorry.

but ever since he stopped talking to me i have been craving male validation, although i dont speak tp guys irl, i have been talking to guys non stop online these past 5 years. we dont date or anything but like a "talking stage" and i know its haram but its just so hard, everytime i talk to a guy i start feeling guilty then i immediately block him because its haram then i repeat the cycle with another guy, i always block before things get serious because im scared. i really need help how to stop, i was talking to someone the other day and i blocked him. the thing is i feel like the reason i do all this talk to these guys its because i didnt get the validation of the guy i loved so now i look for other guys to love me and give me that validatipn. i always feel like im not pretty or not deserving of that guy because he chose another girl over me, even tho he met me first, with me he told me it was haram and wanted to stop talking even though i was his first love, but with her he wants to better himself and has been talking to her as friends for three years because he wants to marry her. and i just dont understand. maybe its because hes a better muslim than me because i do struggle with my salah but hes somehow always perfect with salah subhanallah. but i just love him and miss him so much and i hate yhis pain.

this is another thing i feel.

so the area i live in has no arabs or muslims, and my family doesnt know anyone. so im just scared that i wont get married, its a fear of mine. because the small muslim community that we do have, all the women are honestly struggling tp get married. im scared the same thing will happen to me and i never meet my naseeb. or maybe i ruined my naseeb because of all these "talking stages" i have had. im also really scared what if i never marry that guy and end up attached to him and have lingering feelings and deal with that pain rest of my life. after that guy i have never truly liked anyone i dont know why. problem is hes not even a player or a bad guy hes really sweet but loves someone else. and im also scared what if i never forget him stay attached to him and end up marrying someone else, i feel like it would be unfair to my future spouse that i love someone and think of someone else. i also have this fear that i do get married but its to a man that isnt of my preference, someone i dont find attractive what so ever. its really hard for me to find someone i see attractive and that guy i like is exactly my type subhannalah when i was 13 i used to make dua for a guy and listed his features and characteristics. and subhannalh two years later i met that guy i cant forget who fits the criteria exactly. and also. I know we shouldnt share dreams but four years ago i had a dream i was in a car and that guy was driving it. i searched up the meaning and it said that i would marry the person driving the care and he will handle or take care of me.

i need so much advice and help because i really am so confused and dont know what to do. i really want to marry that guy but maybe its not my naseeb it seems like he isnt. since he loves someone else. but im scared i will never fall in love again. and i need help to stop commiting this sin of texting guys. and genuinly im just so scared for my future.

i apologize for all these grammar mistakes and spelling mistakes, please dont mind im writing this while really emotional. but please if anyone could give me advice on anything at all i would really appreciate it. i know i wrote so much but please everyone just any advice im just so confused and have made many mistakes i shouldnt have.

thank you to everyone who replies and may allah swt grant all your duas in the way you want with only khair.

Hello, im F19, and ill be honest I met a guy the first guy i ever spoke to even as a friend when i was in 10th grade so i was like 14 turning 15, we were just friends then i met someone through that friend that I liked, they were kaffirs and i was a child so i didnt really care. i ended up liking the guy we would talk all day then we grew distant. through that guy i was introduced to discord and after a while me and the guy grew distant I stayed liking him for a year and couldnt forget him after that, i was attached then slowly i was introduced to servers on discord. thats how i met so many people then slowly got introduced to instagram groupchats or i guess arab groupchats. and i met a Palestinian boy in those groupchats when i was around 15-16 funny enough im the one that added him into a group chat after he commeted his username on a tik tok to join. after a while i was like oh hes really nice let me dm him, we became friends and from that first day i devolped a crush i guess, but it was never anything serious i never truly liked him, i guess it was just to pass time.

sorry for making this so long.

but yea three months later he told me he wanted to stop talking to me because it was haram and i agreed i felt the same way as well. then after he left i realized i loved him i think. maybe its limerance or attachment but yea every couple of months he would text me and ask me how i was and end the conversation there. three months after we stopped talking he met a girl through instagram, they saw each other once in new york and the girl found his instagram and added him and they have been talking for three years now, only as friends he told me he loves her and he doesnt know her feelings, shes older than him by a year and a hafizah mashallah. i have known him for five years and have been attached for five years. i dont know whether its attachement or love at this point but im 19 now and cant forget him. i keep making dua to marry him and have prayed tahhajjud and prayed so much just for him to love me again and marry me. i have made the dua "ya rab if he is my naseeb please dont remove him from my heart and put me in his heart the way you put him and let us get married and if he isnt my naseeb remove him from my heart and help me forget him and get over this aching pain in my heart easily." i dont say those exact words but i made duas like that ya rab if hes good for me let us get married and if he isnt remove him from my heart. he stopped contacting me every couple months to check up on me because he knows i like him still and it breaks my heart when he texts me because it reminds of the fact that i love him and he doenst love me back. lol writing this im tearing up. but anyways yea fast forward 5 years later i still cant forget him and i just want him gone from my heart i hate this pain so much, i love him and want to marry him but it feels like he isnt my naseeb and i dont want to waste time on something that will never happen, i make dua for him every ramadan to marry him, and whenever i just sit in salah to make dua i always donate after hoping my dua of marrying him comes true, i have even fasted yawm al arafah and made dua and donated 5 times after every dua in hopes that he is my naseeb and he marries me. im just so tired having to wiat five years for something that isnt going to happen. and everytime i pray tahhajud or i make dua i ask for certain signs, like maybe im delusoinal or crazy i have asked a couple times for allah swt to make it rain if hes my naseeb 80/100 times it always happens and i made dua for allah swt to show me a purple car because i rarely see purple cars, that same day i had to go pick my brother up and saw a purple car, then i made countless duas like that they always seem to get answered. idk if its from shaytaan or allah swt, because i heard that shaytaan listens to your duas and sometimes answers them in his ways to get u to commit more haram. but i genuienly cant tell the difference.

i would also like to add this maybe its important. but two months before ramadan this year i didnt think of the guy for a couple weeks, then a week later i had strong urges and reminders of him and felt like i should text him, so i did and we started talking a bit to catch up, but this time it was different we stayed talking, usually he ends the conversation. but this time something felt different between us. keep in mind during this time i started praying tahajjud for him 8 rakats every mornuing making dua ya allah please let him fall in love with me and marry me. after the 5tyh day of praying tahajjud this is a week later btw. i told him i still liked him and if he gave me the chance and spoke to me he would like me again, he kept trying not to and didnt wanna commit the same sin. but ended up trying again so we stayed talking a couple days and he realized he did really like me or so he thought during this time btw he was trying to figure out if he liked me or her the girl he fell in love with for three years. so he prayed so much prayed istikhara and he kept telling me he is gettng sings that im the one, then one day he felt like he was praying istikhara wrong so he told his aunt who is very well informed on the deen and is just very close to islam. he told her his sistuation there are two girls that like him one he likes back the other (me) he isnt sure. but i have been commited for 5 years. after he told her about me and told her about the other girl his aunt told him to choose me because the minute he mentioned me she felt more at ease and calm. also keep in mind whenever him and i would talk or call, he would tell me he feels so much at peace with me and hasnt felt at peace with anyone before. btw during this time i admitted to him that i have been praying for him for the past few weeks, he told me the same time that every week ever since 5 years ago at least once a week he has been praying for me and my happiness and health etc. fast forward a week or two later he goes on a camping trip one day trip no wifi or anything. the next day i ask him what his conclusions were whether he wanted me or her. he sent me a long paragragh saying he cant forget her and although he cares for me so much and gets in pain when im upset. (btw i was upset over call once and he heard me crying that same day he went to pray duhr at the masjid he started crying in prayer due to the thought of me crying) but yea he said in conclusion he wants to marry her and doesnt wnat to hurt me in the long run if we he stayys talking to me because he will always think of her and want her. after that i cried so much and went home and my mom saw me crying and i told her what happened iwth the guy, she was suprised ofc because to her i havent spoken to a guy before, i told heer everything even about my tahajjud signs and eevrything the guy and his aunt said. BTW i js rememebered this all his friends told him to choose me also because they had better feelings about me. but anyways yea i told my mom and she was dissapointed in me and so in the end she said who knows, he might come back and marry you one day. then three days later ramadan started, also when me and that guy started talking again he told me once that he saw a reel on instgram saying that the shaytaan tries to ttrick people two weeks before ramadan and i came into his life again around the same time so he felt like it was the shaytaan tricking him

end of that.

then during ramamdan i made dua that if he wasnt my naseeb for him to remove me off all social media, that was onky one dua out of the hundreds that i made, i also made one that if he is my naseeb for him to text me forst again. funny enough after eid i noticed he removed me off tik tok so to be petty i removed him off snapchat. then couple weeks pass i start getting a strong strong feeling that he will text me soon, funny enough after a 10 hour shift at work i go home open my phone tp find him that he had texted me and sent me a message asking how i have been and checking up on me because he broke my heart so bad. he then told me the reaosn he texted me was because he was opening the cover of a waterbittle and saw my name on the bottle cover and reminded him of me and that he needed to text me, this happened twice, everytime he gets the bottle cap with my name he texts me. ever siince then we havent spoken. he left me on seen after i told him i hated him and o hope the girl he likes marries someone else, ofc i dont mean that but it was a spur of the moment thing because of how hurt i was. i still miss him so much and am so confused on whether he is my naseeb or not.

now this is what i need help with althought i would really aoppreciate advice for the first half, i know im writing so much sorry.

but ever since he stopped talking to me i have been craving male validation, although i dont speak tp guys irl, i have been talking to guys non stop online these past 5 years. we dont date or anything but like a "talking stage" and i know its haram but its just so hard, everytime i talk to a guy i start feeling guilty then i immediately block him because its haram then i repeat the cycle with another guy, i always block before things get serious because im scared. i really need help how to stop, i was talking to someone the other day and i blocked him. the thing is i feel like the reason i do all this talk to these guys its because i didnt get the validation of the guy i loved so now i look for other guys to love me and give me that validatipn. i always feel like im not pretty or not deserving of that guy because he chose another girl over me, even tho he met me first, with me he told me it was haram and wanted to stop talking even though i was his first love, but with her he wants to better himself and has been talking to her as friends for three years because he wants to marry her. and i just dont understand. maybe its because hes a better muslim than me because i do struggle with my salah but hes somehow always perfect with salah subhanallah. but i just love him and miss him so much and i hate yhis pain.

this is another thing i feel.

so the area i live in has no arabs or muslims, and my family doesnt know anyone. so im just scared that i wont get married, its a fear of mine. because the small muslim community that we do have, all the women are honestly struggling tp get married. im scared the same thing will happen to me and i never meet my naseeb. or maybe i ruined my naseeb because of all these "talking stages" i have had. im also really scared what if i never marry that guy and end up attached to him and have lingering feelings and deal with that pain rest of my life. after that guy i have never truly liked anyone i dont know why. problem is hes not even a player or a bad guy hes really sweet but loves someone else. and im also scared what if i never forget him stay attached to him and end up marrying someone else, i feel like it would be unfair to my future spouse that i love someone and think of someone else. i also have this fear that i do get married but its to a man that isnt of my preference, someone i dont find attractive what so ever. its really hard for me to find someone i see attractive and that guy i like is exactly my type subhannalah when i was 13 i used to make dua for a guy and listed his features and characteristics. and subhannalh two years later i met that guy i cant forget who fits the criteria exactly. and also. I know we shouldnt share dreams but four years ago i had a dream i was in a car and that guy was driving it. i searched up the meaning and it said that i would marry the person driving the care and he will handle or take care of me.

i need so much advice and help because i really am so confused and dont know what to do. i really want to marry that guy but maybe its not my naseeb it seems like he isnt. since he loves someone else. but im scared i will never fall in love again. and i need help to stop commiting this sin of texting guys. and genuinly im just so scared for my future.

i apologize for all these grammar mistakes and spelling mistakes, please dont mind im writing this while really emotional. but please if anyone could give me advice on anything at all i would really appreciate it. i know i wrote so much but please everyone just any advice im just so confused and have made many mistakes i shouldnt have.

thank you to everyone who replies and may allah swt grant all your duas in the way you want with only khair.