tw is this assault or am i overreacting
trigger warning - potential sa? idk
so about a week ago i lost my virginity. i’m 19f and before this occasion id never had sex. however i have kissed girls etc but never further
anyway so last friday i went to a lesbian bar. im in uni and the city i live in only has one so theres not a ton of choice. i was meeting friends there. we had a really good time. my friends went home in small groups thoughout the evening and the last friend i was with met a girl who she went home with. before she left she did ask if i was okay getting home and i said yes as i wasn’t that drunk. and it was still early.
so anyway i made friends with this group of women on a hen party (a straight one, idk why they came to a lesbian bar lol) but i made friends with them and they were all super nice. i was drinking a lot more now. anyway then i don’t really remember how i met this girl but i did, and we were kissing and she took me home to her flat. we started having sex as soon as we came in through the door and she was the one doing stuff to me. i told her i hadn’t done anything with a girl before (i didn’t mention i was a virgin) and she said thats fine and that she’s a stone top or something and she knows what she’s doing.
i fully consented to having sex with her, i willingly let her undress me. i willingly let her do oral sex on me and fingers etc. i kinda just laid there as whenever i tried to touch her she’d move my hands and hold them against the mattress so i didn’t want to overstep her boundaries and make her uncomfortable as she clearly didn’t want me to touch her. we were both drunk too.
i remember us finishing (she only used her mouth / fingers) and then going to sleep. and then we woke up in the night and started having sex again, but this time she used toys. she started using a dildo on me, just holding it in her hand. and it really hurt, but i didn’t say anything. she started going quickly and i winced out in pain and told her it hurt. she stopped when she saw i started to cry and then she put the dildo in this underwear type thing with a hole, so she was wearing it. she put it inside me again and i was still crying but i didn’t say ‘no’ or ‘stop’ i just led there. and she was holding my wrists against the mattress with one of her hands as she used the dildo on me. i think it was one of the dildos that also stimulate her because she orgasmed. when she did, she asked me if i came too and i was clearly crying and she wiped my tears with her hand and started to go slower and said she didn’t mean to hurt me. i told her to take it out and she said no because she wants me to cum, which i think she thought was sexy of her to say. so she kept going and when she got quicker i started to wince out in pain and say it hurts bad and she stopped and took it out. she looked at me with sort of disgust in her eyes and turned the lamp off and led down but far away from me. it all happened so quickly i was literally led there with my legs still open and still breathing heavily. i felt myself and i could feel wetness but turns out it was actually blood (i noticed this in the morning when her bed was stained with my blood).
the next morning was so awkward cause obviously i woke up naked and she was fully clothed and i was so confused at first. i woke up at like 6am and she was still asleep so i started to get changed and i left
i’ve just been feeling really weird about this. like i willingly had sex with her but she didn’t stop when i told her it hurt. and we were both drunk so in a way none of us consented to it. the first round of sex i enjoyed and i was making noises etc, but the second round i was quiet and only making noises that clearly displayed i was in pain, and i was crying. when she was strapping me she had her eyes closed tho so idk if she even noticed until she came and opened her eyes and saw i was crying
idk if im being weird and that’s just what sex is. it’s my first experience and im not sure if i really want to do it again after this