I'm (43M) so frustrated with my wife's (45F) 15 years of unemployment and lack of self care
We've been together 26 years, no kids. We went through undergrad and grad school together, but after graduation my wife could not establish herself in a career and has been withdrawing more and more since she gave up on work. At this point I'm literally the only person she talks to, not even any online friends. The only family she has left is her dad and they've barely spoken in years. I've been a breadwinner now for 15 years and I hate it. I never wanted a dynamic like this. We went through school with the intention of being a power couple and each having strong careers. I thought she would get back to work after a short break to regroup and she just didn't. I thought if I focus on my career and give her space she would do something with the space. That didn't work so I thought ok, I'm going to build a circle and make friends and invite her out with us and again she didn't.
I can't relate to her anymore. I also have had plenty of issues around mental health and I've worked my ass off with therapy to get through them. I'm far from perfect. I'm a recovering addict and I have depression and PTSD.
We had another blowup fight this morning and I just lost my patience with this situation. I plainly said she need therapy (hasn't gone since 1999) and additionally needs to get a hobby, perhaps engage in volunteer work, take a class, do anything to get out of the house. I said she was mentally ill and has lost her perspective. I said her world view has become twisted. Then I just walked out to the door to the office. That was a few hours ago and I'm still just so on edge.
How do I better handle this? Obviously blowing up and saying things that make her feel to blame isn't helpful, but it's become quite clear that she isn't willing to take action. I feel like I'm a parent or a therapist more than a spouse. It's breaking my heart and causing so much stress. My life is revolving around her mental health to the point where I'm starting to struggle to do anything else and burnout is creeping in. Meanwhile, I'm grieving over losing my mom unexpectedly a few months ago while I'm trying to navigate my career that keeps demanding more time and energy from me.
I want her to want to heal and I don't know what to do other than be blunt about it at this point. I don't want to cut her out, I want to help her and I don't know how.