u/Alarmed-Telephone542

I (M) had known her (F) for approximately 3 years (2 years as friends, then about 1 year in a growing romantic relationship). She was the primary pursuer of me from day one, something I had never experienced before. She consistently said all the right things — that I was “the one,” the best thing that ever happened to her, that cheating would never be part of our story, and that she would wait and patiently walk beside me as I healed from past relationship trauma. We had everything in common, she felt like a dream come true, a missing piece that I had long prayed for.

What she and I had felt especially significant because it developed after my difficult divorce about a year ago. I had sworn off dating for a while and focused on bettering myself through therapy, journaling, fitness, family, friends, etc. Yet, the connection we shared from our friendship foundation was something I couldn’t ignore. I was incredibly attracted to everything about her. She was everything my ex-spouse wasn’t, and I felt that she was healing parts of my soul I thought were long lost. For the first time in ages, I felt safe enough to open up to someone about my painful history of being cheated on in past relationships. She promised me she was in this with me fully and that we’d move at a slow pace together. We also share a Christian faith. She reassured me in every way and also allowed me to help her heal from her recent divorce. Everything truly seemed perfect. The only struggle we faced during our 2 years of getting to know one another was communication issues on her end, which she fully owned. She owned being bad at communicating consistently because of her ADHD struggles, and I committed to love her through it… even though healthy and consistent communication is my number one must-have. For 2 years, we settled into a steady communication rhythm. To my surprise, she was the primary initiator in texting, which was exactly what I was looking for. I felt pursued and wanted in a way I never had before… we were both eager to be the first ones to reach out each morning.

Gradually, in the last 3 months, her tone slowly shifted - and it came out of nowhere. She suddenly began pressuring me to move faster, telling me she’s ready to jump into the rest of her life. I encouraged her to not rush things, as she’d just gotten out of a terrible marriage and had taken no time to fully heal from it. She then starts floating that she doesn’t think she can wait forever for me, even though she’d told me we were going to walk this path together. I promised her she wouldn’t have to, and I meant that. She was helping me heal faster than I ever thought possible. Slowly, her communication started to fade, and that began to eat me alive, and it turned into me having to essentially remind her that I exist each day. I wouldn’t hear from her unless I reached out first. I couldn’t understand how someone who was so excited and hopeful about me could start backing off when everything good was happening and when I was getting myself to where I thought she wanted me to be. This shift in her was so sudden and confusing.

A little over a month ago, we had a heated conversation where she was pressuring me again and making me feel awful for moving too slow. She said she’s not seeing any progress in me, even though I know in my heart I’ve made massive strides. After all, I’m the only one of us that’s consistently going to therapy to better themselves. She then mentions that other guys consistently reach out to her on Instagram and hit on her at bars. That was one of the most shocking and cruel things she could say to me - knowing how cheating has plagued my relationships in the past. My anxiety went through the roof in the days that followed. I told her how much that comment hurt me, and she gave a half-hearted apology but also said she’s hoped it would motivate me to move faster. Because of what I’ve been through, my gut instinct knew there was more to this story, and I was right.

About 2–3 weeks ago, I saw a text on her phone from another man with a heart emoji next to his name. I confronted her respectfully and expressed how deeply hurt and triggered I was seeing that, given my past trauma. She gave me a long-winded story about how he was “nothing” and just a guy she knew from her past. I of course didn’t buy it and told her I had a gut feeling that she’d been talking to someone else longer than she was letting on. I gave it another day and drafted a letter to her, pouring my heart out about the recent distancing and coldness from her, how much the “guys reaching out on Instagram” comment negatively impacted me, and how shaken I was by the text incident. I left the ball in her court to respond back to me (which she promised to do) but has been completely silent for over two weeks. During this time, she posted an Instagram story with the man from the text message incident, temporarily hid me from her Instagram stories so I couldn’t see it, then restored access after the story disappeared.

I ended up unsending my letter to her after 2 weeks because the silence was too painful. Knowing I was right in my suspicions about the other man, I maintained no-contact for over 2 weeks but gave into my anxieties a few days ago. I reached out and said we needed to talk. She immediately responded back saying “ok!,” as if nothing happened and with zero acknowledgement of the letter I’d written her. I responded back and said that, before we talk, I need to know why my vulnerable letter was ignored. She then responds and takes zero accountability for ghosting me, saying she couldn’t come up with the right words to respond and that silence was easier. I shared that I couldn’t believe that after how profound everything we’d shared and been building was, that she was cool with just letting me disappear with no closure or acknowledgment of anything I’d so vulnerably shared. She then blamed everything on me - said she took accountability for the other man situation (which she didn’t), said how honest she was with how ready she was to move forward with her life and how slow I was taking things, and that I should’ve known… even though she’d just sprung all of it on me over the course of 3 months via inconsistent and distant communication. I sent back a “last ditch effort” message - an olive branch saying we owe it to each other to have a healthy and adult discussion about all of this and to figure out where we go from here. I told her how disrespectful it is to have someone pour their heart out to you with zero acknowledgement and that I needed a definite answer on where we go from here.

It’s now been 2 days of crickets, so needless to say, I’m truly done. I gave it every possible chance and poured every ounce of energy into trying to salvage this. I’m the type of guy that always looks for pieces of the conflict that I can own, but in my heart, I don’t feel I did anything wrong here - yet my head is telling me it’s all my fault… that I messed up, that I’m the problem, that my healthy and normal relationship standards aren’t enough… that I’m not enough. This betrayal has hit me harder than my divorce. I’m struggling with intense grief, shock, rumination about “what are the odds she comes back,” and difficulty understanding how someone who pursued me so hard and knew my deepest wounds could treat me this way.

I’m looking for help processing the betrayal trauma, reducing rumination, strengthening boundaries, and moving forward in a healthy way. Did my 1 slip-up of breaking No Contact do more harm than good? I don’t want her to come back, but considering the profoundness of what we shared, does my vulnerability/longing for closure/basic human decency in a relationship mean I’ve pushed her away further? Does someone with this type of personality ever see the error of their ways?

I’d take any and all words of encouragement at this point… struggling deeply and wondering am I crazy for what’s happened to me? Please be gentle. I’m still deeply grieving this situation and am left with confusion, anxiety, and devastation over how quickly things blew up. I gave my all to someone who has shown me she’s comfortable ghosting, leaving me on read, giving me no closure or acknowledgement of my heart and feelings. Crushed is an understatement.

I’m a guy in my early 30s. About a year ago I went through a brutal divorce. Since then I’ve done a lot of work on myself — therapy, journaling, focusing on family and friends, working out, etc.

During this time, a girl who’s been in my life for a few years (we knew each other as friends first) started pursuing me hard. We weren’t officially public or “official,” but we were pursuing each other exclusively — or at least that’s what I believed. I’ve genuinely never been pursued like that before, and it felt really good. We had so much in common and things were going well. She always said everything right — that cheating would never be a part of our story, that she’d walk with me through the difficult days and my healing process, and that I was “the one” for her. Because she made me feel so safe, I opened up to her about my terrible relationship history — every serious relationship I’ve had has ended in cheating, and I’m still carrying trauma from that.

For a while she was completely understanding and said she was happy to take things slow, one day at a time. But over the last 3 months her tone shifted. She started pressuring me about why I wasn’t moving faster. Then she began mentioning how many guys were reaching out and asking her out. That immediately raised red flags.

Two weeks ago, I saw a text on her phone from a guy with a heart emoji next to his name. I asked her about it in the moment, and she assured me it was nothing… which I knew in my heart wasn’t true. The next day I wrote her a long message. I told her how blindsided and deeply hurt I was, how triggering this was because of my past, and I put the ball in her court to lead the communication moving forward. I tried to be as respectful and non-accusatory as possible. She promised she would respond and address everything I said… but it’s now been over two weeks of complete silence. I unsent the message recently because the silence was killing me, but I’m still absolutely crushed. I didn’t do anything wrong here. I truly just want answers and some form of closure.

I don’t want things to be over with her, but I know in my heart that major changes would have to happen for it to work. Should I continue no contact, or is it worth extending an olive branch to at least get some closure? I feel stuck between knowing what’s probably best for me and still hoping she’ll realize what she threw away.

Any advice or encouragement is appreciated.