u/AlarmedPineapple3333

I’ve been taking methotrexate in addition to biologics for over six years now, but for the last year I’ve been losing my grip on reality because of methotrexate. It started simply as dread come injection day because of the nausea it gives me. My stomach couldn’t handle the pills due to the other medications I’m taking for other issues, the nausea and vomiting were too much for me to cope with. But then I started feeling nauseous whenever I saw that specific neon green / yellow color. Then I started feeling the pile rise to my throat when I saw it. Then phantom pain sprung up in all possible injection sites lasting for hours whenever I saw the color or thought about it. Then I started getting lightheaded and weak in the knees and need to set down. Now not only all related colors, yellow, green, olive, anything kinda neon give me all the aforementioned symptoms, it just springs into my mind randomly multiple times a day.

I used to love drawing and painting and video games, now I can do non of that. I can’t look at my markers, pencils, or paint tubes without it coming to mind and starting hours of agony, but basic colors are everywhere including every scene in a video game. I spend hours of my day in pain and dread, fighting the urge to throw up. I take two other weekly injections, and my only issue with them is that they have green and yellow labels!!

I feel like I’m losing my mind and just want to give up on everything. I don’t know how to even begin explaining it without sounding deranged and like I’m making a mountain out of a molehill. Even if I keep telling myself it’s okay and I won’t take it this week I can’t stop the symptoms, on the contrary, they get worse!! I genuinely don’t know what’s wrong with me and what I can even do about this, but I’ve been skipping it for weeks at a time for the past three months, and my symptoms are getting worse. My rheumatology appointment is in July and it’s a government hospital so I can’t do anything about that.

Has anyone ever experienced something like this? Does anyone have any tips on how to overcome it? I’m 24 and even though I have a couple of medical conditions in addition to PsA, non of them will significantly shorten my life span. I have at least 30 more years and don’t know how to begin to cope with this.

Any advice or information is greatly appreciated.

I apologize if this is too rambly or incoherent, English isn’t my first language, and I’m going through some kind of a crisis right now.

Edit: thank you guys so much for your kindness, suggestions, and support. I can’t put into words how much it means to me. Just seeing that I’m not alone in this and don’t have to tough it out or that I’m exaggerating (was told so by family members when I tried asking for help) genuinely brought a tear to my eyes. I’m sorry if I don’t reply to everyone, I took a xanax to calm down and I’m kinda loopy right now. But I read every comment and it really touched my heart, thank you so much.