Keep trying or let it go?
*for context, i am 23 years old and my partner is 22 years old, we have been together since i was 17. In the beginning of our relationship, everything was great. we had our bumps but every relationship does so we both continued on with making our relationship work. fast forward a couple years, we were living together and i kept finding things on his phone. him searching up someone that he used to date, SOOO much 🌽, only🪭’s website, having a whole account created on it as well, random emails from bots i think? idek at this point to be honest, from random women saying they wants to meet up or just super sexual talk, he never replied to any of them though. when confronted about all of the above, he lied to me every single time, even though i knew the truth. we end up arguing, i end up crying myself to sleep, i forgive him, cycle repeats.
he has made it super clear to me all throughout our relationship that he doesn’t want me to work and he wants to provide. even after me applying for jobs, it starts an argument between us. so i stopped applying and let him supply for me, literally everything.
fast forward 1 year later, I got pregnant & i was still finding things on his phone, and he would continue to lie about it. Even freshly post partum, it would be the same exact things, find it on his phone and he lies, I’d cry my heart out to him and beg him to stop & he’d flip it on me and calls me crazy and insecure and controlling and tell me things like " if i wanted to do things like that, I’d be single, I wouldn’t be with you. "
Fast forward to a couple months ago, My homegirl was over and he went to bed earlier than usual as he had work in the morning. I stayed out in the living room with my friend while he " went to sleep ". I always watch my daughter on her baby cam and he sleeps right next to her and low and behold I see him pull up a 🌽 video and pull his pants down and even get a nut rag. I barged into the room and caught him in the act of him tryna beat his shi. he was so apologetic afterwards, I asked him if all those times I caught him before if he lied and he said yes. It has changed our whole relationship. I’m honestly at a loss of what I should do.. he has supplied everything for me and I know it’s so stupid on my end to not have a back up plan but damn I really thought I would be spending forever with this person… my confidence is shattered, I literally hate looking at myself in the mirror, everyday I’m trying my hardest to make myself look pretty so i can feel good about myself.. not eating because maybe it’s because i gained too much weight after having our daughter? I don’t even know. I’m so down about myself. We have a whole child together, I don’t know how to let go. He has told me that I can go through his phone whenever I want, I can ask him anything that I have concerns about, he basically told me that he knows he shattered the trust between us and will do anything to make it right.
today, his phone dings twice and I ask who it is and he tells me " my friends " so I said " oh okay.. can I see? “ and he tossed his phone to me upset and said " bro when is this going to end " it hasn’t even been 2 months and I’ve BARELY asked him about anything thus far. He gets mad when I question him at all about literally anything. I don’t know what to do. I just want to keep my distance at this point and let things play out.. maybe get a work from home job and stack up some money? idek. advice please, if you were in my shoes, men or women, what would you do?