My (28F) boyfriend (29M) dumped me at 12:30 AM via WhatsApp after 3.5 years, 4 days before I was supposed to visit him. Am I wrong for thinking how he handled this was cruel?
My ex (29M) and I (28F) were together for 3.5 years (officially 3). We were seriously discussing marriage and he had taken me engagement ring shopping. I thought we were building a future together. We're both in medicine; I'm a medical student and he's an EM resident who moved across the country in June.
Some relationship context:
We had conflict-resolution problems even before long distance. He could be incredibly loving and supportive, but also had a serious mean streak. He was frequently defensive, argumentative, and a smart-ass, sometimes deliberately pushing my buttons or initiating arguments. He could be condescending and say hurtful things. I could also become emotionally reactive and say things I regret. I was also hurtful to him.
I felt like I was usually the one initiating repair afterward, while he rarely examined his own contributions to our arguments. We'd often make up without really addressing the underlying problems.
Long distance made everything worse. We went nearly three months without seeing each other. I was lonely, struggling with the separation, and increasingly resentful. I sometimes expressed that resentment in hurtful ways, which he had raised concerns about before, but would shut down longer discussions about it. We never had the heart to hearts we needed to.
The breakup:
We spoke for less than one hour
We argued on a Saturday, made up, and continued talking normally throughout the following week. He repeatedly told me he loved me, said he couldn't wait to see me, and even requested intimate photos.
We had a 10-day visit planned for the following week, including five days he had off work, which is incredibly rare during residency.
Then, on Thursday night, immediately after finishing his shift, he called me at approximately 12:30 AM (on my mom’s birthday)
I'd been awake for nearly 48 hours due to travel complications, had a train to catch in four hours, and he knew both things.
He literally said, "Well, before you go back to sleep, I think we should break up."
He was drinking a beer, wearing a shirt I'd bought him, and had the entire following day off. All throughout the week and even the day of the breakup he was talking to me like normal— even at the beginning of his shift and on the way home he was texting like normal.
I was completely blindsided. He said he'd been thinking about our Saturday argument and had finally decided he couldn't get past it. He also cited differences about children, religion, and where we'd live.
He canceled our visit despite me gegging for one last in-person conversaiton. I hadn't seen him in almost three months, and our entire relationship ended over a late-night phone call.
The following Monday:
We spoke for 48 minutes
I'd spent several days reflecting and explained that I finally understood how much of my anger about long distance was actually fear of abandonment. I took responsibility for the ways I'd hurt him and explained what I wanted to change about how I handled conflict.
I also wanted us to address our longstanding problems with conflict resolution and discuss our future differences more thoroughly rather than assume they were irreconcilable.
He told me he believed things could change, but needed time and space to remember that his own wants and needs mattered, because he hadn't felt that way in our relationship.
I understood that to mean he needed space to process things, potentially including whether he wanted to reconcile.
I gave him space. It was hard.
The weekend I was supposed to be visiting him:
That weekend was especially painful because I was supposed to be visiting him. I kept recieving partiful notifications all day about a Karaoke pary I was suppsoed to go to with him. Then I saw an insta story showing him singing with some girls at the party that I was supposed to be with him at. It felt like he was gloating the breakup, it broke my heart and I STILL did not reach out.
I understand that he was single and entitled to spend time with his friends. I'm not suggesting he was obligated to sit at home grieving. But seeing him out socializing while I was devastated, knowing he'd canceled our long-awaited visit just days earlier, was incredibly hurtful.
It was difficult to reconcile how abruptly my life had changed with how seemingly normal his weekend looked.
The following Wednesday:
We spoke for 37 minutes
I reached out to clarify what he meant by needing space because I didnt want to be blindsided again like how I was with the breakup. I was preparing for a major medical licensing exam and didn't want an unexpected conversation in the middle of it.
I was not asking him to take me back, but I think that is how he interpreted it. I wanted to know whether he was considering rebuilding or whether he'd already made a final decision.
He said, he just “doesn’t want put in the work required to rebuild this” He said rebuilding would require a lot of effort if we were in person and distance would make it harder. I am confused what he thinks it would take to rebuild. He is extremely overwhelmed and busy with residency so I think that contributed. I was confused because his Monday statement had sounded much more open-ended to me. He said he believed change was possible but didn't want to rebuild our relationship. He said he will always love me and care about me, he said he is still in love with me, he said he forgives me for our past conflicts (but he didnt apologize for his role still…) he said that it is just too much for him.
What happened afterward:
I was devastated that night and continued trying to understand him, including sending messages explaining my perspective and asking for another conversation. I recognize that I should have respected his request for space sooner.
He eventually blocked me. I completely panicked and continued to try to contact him that night directly after being blocked.
He also contacted people close to me to check on my well-being after I struggled badly with the breakup. While I appreciate that he was concerned, it was painful that he was communicating with people around me while refusing to communicate directly with me.
Altogether, we've spent less than three hours actually discussing the end of a relationship that lasted over three years.
His family reached out to me 2 weeks after he dumped me about his grandpa’s passing (I will obviously not be going to the funeral). I left him a message saying I am sorry for his loss and I hope things are okay with him. He blocked me from his voicemail too.
I am still so confused. I am so sad that he didnt bring up earlier how close he was to leaving. I feel totally blindsided. I asked why he dumped me in the middle of the night and he said he “just had to get it over with” and I asked why he wouldn’t see me in person and he said he “didnt want his limited time off to turn into us fighting”. I thought that was totally heartless. He was treating the breakup like an inconvenient task he had to finish as opposed to ending a relationship with someone he loved dearly.
Where I am now:
It's been five weeks. I still love him and miss him, but I'm also increasingly angry about how he handled this.
I fully acknowledge that I hurt him and that he had every right to end a relationship he no longer wanted. I'm not arguing that he owed me reconciliation.
But after 3.5 years, engagement ring shopping, and plans to see each other within days, I feel like I deserved a more considerate breakup than a midnight phone call while I was severely sleep-deprived.
I'm also struggling with how quickly he went from telling me he loved me and couldn't wait to see me to cutting off communication. I am also struggling to understand why he doesn’t want to rebuild. We had spoken about going to premarital counseling before getting married (like as a divorce-preventative thing) so I thought that I was in a relationship where we were committed to working out our issues, not giving up.
I was supposed to spend the week of New Years years with him and see him at Christmas. He was going to watch our cat for the week of christmas. I am assuming none of that is happening now. I have no idea if we will ever see each other again. He said like a week after the breakup that he doesn’t know how he will feel in the future but he doesn’t want to give me false hope.
Am I unreasonable for thinking the way he handled this was cruel? Was his Monday statement genuinely ambiguous? And how do you reconcile still loving someone with feeling deeply hurt by the way they left? Anyone have any advice on how to get through this?