u/Albacete_Jump1569

My wife and I are active LDS. Married 16 years.

Post cancer for her and early menopause, it's become a little bit harder still so we thought having her incorporate masturbation or self learning as Laura Brotherson calls it on her book "and the eye not ashamed." may be helpful. We've used self tantric massage, the OHM method and she's grown comfortable with it and is happy to try that more.

But she says she would like for me to help "set the mood" before she does that.

Hence my question. LDS wives that need to relax before self stimulatimg/ solo masturbation, whatever you call it, what do you do to relax before hand? Long bath. Music. Massage? Candles? Low light?

Would love any tips?

I feel I'm a little ham handed

I feel like I'm a lumberjack playing a beautiful fancy violin when I use my hands only, vs watching her self stimulate, which is like watching a master violinist play the violinist.

Just thought I'd share this for anyone that it might help.

Our journey toward a more female-centered sex life has honestly transformed our marriage. My wife and I are active LDS and have been married for 25 years. Early in marriage, foreplay and intercourse (penetration) were the core of our intimate life. We read the book “The Act of Marriage” and she used “self touching” (masturbation in marriage) and I used “fingering” at the beginning of our marriage to help her loosen up, but soon stopped because she felt guilty for it. So for the first part of our marriage, intimate life was very traditional and husband-focused: foreplay led to penetration, and penetration was the “main event.”

Then cancer changed everything.

Years of cancer treatment pushed my wife into early menopause in her 30s, affected her hormones, and made intimacy physically difficult for her. There were seasons where we could barely have sex at all. When we eventually tried rebuilding our intimate life, intercourse became exhausting and frustrating for both of us. She often felt ashamed or broken, and I felt helpless watching her struggle.

That journey forced us to start looking at other ways to help her learning things from books like “And they were not ashamed” “And it was Very Good”, “The Act of Marriage” and most recently, “She comes First” (not really a Christian book but one focused on more female centric sexual intimacy) we stumbled upon oral sex as the thing that helped her. It was a game changer for her. We felt a lot of the guilt that came with doing that, having read a mix of opinions about it. But after some months of guilty pleasure, we accepted the fact that it was just necessary given her new body makeup. I remember when I first performed it, she was happy crying after reaching a powerful orgasm after so long. We never looked back.

One thing I learned back then is that many women do not consistently orgasm from intercourse alone. Was a total shock to me.

I never knew that the clitoris has one primary purpose: pleasure. It is not needed for reproduction, childbirth, or hygiene. It exists almost almost exclusively for female sexual enjoyment. That realization alone completely changed the way I thought about intimacy as a husband.For years I had focused almost entirely on penetration while barely understanding the part of my wife’s body most connected to pleasure and orgasm. One of the most freeing things we learned is this: intercourse does not have to be the center of sex.

When we stoppef treating penetration as the sole goal, and more on my wife’s pleasure, there was less performance anxiety and more focus on affection, exploration, communication, and mutual delight. Today, our sex life is much more female-centered, and honestly, it has been incredible for both of us.

We prioritize her pleasure first almost every time. We use far more oral sex, vibrators, sensual massage, than we ever did early in marriage. My wife also actively participates in her own pleasure during intimacy, including self-stimulation or masturbation next to me, which has been deeply healing and freeing for her. Instead of feeling passive or pressured, she has learned what brings her pleasure and teaching me for to do it. Ironically, focusing less on my orgasm has made intimacy far better for both of us.

Seeing my wife fully relax, experience pleasure without shame, and orgasm almost always before intercourse even begins , has become one of the best parts of our intimate life. Some times, I don’t ever ejaculate during the times we're intimate during the week, and it is still incredibly rewarding seeing her in the middle of an orgasm or multiple orgasms, just basking in her glow afterwards. What happens often is that she then is aroused for much longer and is so passionate and aggressive in her love making with me. There is something profoundly masculine to me about delighting in my wife’s pleasure rather than making sex revolve around my own performance or climax. When I stopped asking, “How quickly do we get to intercourse?” and started asking, “How do I help my wife feel fully fulfilled in her own orgasm first?” things totally transformed our sex life.

My wife's got an incredible body as she was an athlete and competitive dancer all her life. Since she's danced in tall heels , she walks and moves like a gazelle in heels, no odd clunkiness. She still teaches fitness and get legs are amazing.

Anyways, she loves putting on little outfits and heels and putting on a strip tease to music for me and sometimes will give me a lap dance. I LOVE it. Drives me crazy.

But she's been feeling guilty about it and feels convinced she's the only LDS wife "dirty" enough to do it. I can't believe she thinks that. I tell her that I'm sure other LDS women do that too?

Amiright?!

(Please)

Okay so please hear me out. I'm 50. From 40-45 I was in the best shape of my life. Lifted weights 3-4 times a week, did stairs and walking for cardio 3 times a week, and a sometimes replaced weights with HIIT boot camp twice weekly. Really enjoyed it. Ate healthy but wasn't a Nazi a bout it. Felt great physically and mentally. ( I've had severe depression and anxiety since a teen and exercise has always helped me beat it back, along with meds and therapy)

Then I left to start an energy company that eventually folded last year for reasons outside of our control. Not only was that the toughest thing I've ever done from a career standpoint, but it was during some of the hardest times of my family's life some serious family health crises, I got pretty sick three years ago and couldn't work for 6 months then went through 5 surgeries. mental health was a complete mess and suicidal thoughts were very frequent. Last summer I came back home to Houston and feel like I have a new lease on life with a great job with a great company, mental health is back on track with good meds and therapy. Wife is a great support.

I have physically been able to start lightly exercising again about 2 months ago. Mentally it has taken a long time for me to finally want to exercise.

Here is where I am starting. I first started walking just 5 minutes a day. It took a ton of mental effort for me to just get to that point. Now I am walking 30 to 40 minutes every other day. I am also doing a free app to do small body weights and calisthenics every other day. I'm essentially following fitness professionals that I really admire and who I agree with, and just trying to trick myself into developing strong habits. Not necessarily becoming an Adonis in 6 months or anything like that. I've exercised enough in my life to know slow and steady is the best for me.

Most of my problem has just been I've been so ashamed that I had no strength left and constantly comparing myself to where I was 5 to 10 years ago.

So for the next 3 months my goal is to fast walk 30 to 40 minutes three times a week. I'm going to stick to that boring goal for those 3 months. I'm not going to move from that goal until I make it habit. Being able to do that has been great for my self esteem.

At the same time I am going to do 2 to 3 days a week of calisthenics with some light weights to get my strength up. I am really weak. I can tell my body took a real beating over the past two years. I went from being able to do arm and shoulder exercises only 8 minutes initially to 18 minutes this week. I know that sounds like nothing but I was so proud!

I just recently learned about hyrox and it looks really great! Like something I wish was id known about 10 years ago. I'm not going to run a Hyrox race in 2026. I have to be realistic. So my goal is to get healthy enough to just get to a HiRox gym by January of 2027. Then run a race summer of 2027.

If there are any of you out there who have followed a similar path or have any good experience, I would love some feedback on how I can start getting ready to go to a HiRox gym in 7 to 8 months. Any recommendations on how I can eventually start working up to running? I am doing the j o g g o couch to 5K program. I used to love running when I was in my twenties but my fat flat feet and shins make running a killer for me. But I'm going to work with a professional to try to start running.

Any recommendations on how to start building strength up again to be able to do the Hyrox stations from beginner to Hyrox regular?

I REALLY want to set a goal to run a Hyrox race in June or July of 2027 as I think it would be an amazing accomplishment given where I was. Any helpful recommendations?

Please and thank you!!