r/ldssexuality

I just want to say that purity culture and the indoctrination the church pedals really does have negative impacts on believing and non-believing members

To make a long and painful story short I married to the same wonderful woman for 22 years, of course married in the temple, of course virgins, of course extremely naive We are highly incompatible sexually.

And to clarify, I'm not asking for anything wild, insane, inappropriate or degrading

Of course we didn't realize this for several years because both of us really knew nothing about sex and really felt uncomfortable and dirty talking about it

I'll just say this, the frequency is probably less than 10 times a year, missionary is the only position allowed, absolutely no oral ever, it literally took 10 plus years for her to allow me to actually touch her vagina and clitoris with my hands, she feels extremely guilty if she orgasms without PIV, she continues to feel ashamed and embarrassed of her body even though she is absolutely gorgeous, any attempt to spice things up or try new things is met with anger and accusations of viewing pornography almost immediately

Frankly I've just stopped being upset about it, so many countless nights not sleeping, angered, upset, things have gotten better over the years but mostly because I've stopped trying or caring. Like a street beggar, I take what I can get

No she hasn't been sexually abused, just highly indoctrinated by sexually repressed parents and brought up to believe that sex was mostly for procreation

Besides the sexual incompatibility, we're great friends, we laugh, we are a United team and raising our kids, overall really fun

If there is a god, I don't think this is the type of relationship he had envisioned for a husband and wife. I place the bulk of the blame for this situation solely at the feet of the church.

Thoughts about truly deep intimacy have been on my mind a lot lately. I’ve been processing the notion that sex can be something we participate in without deeply developed intimacy. I feel like sometimes we can attempt to reverse engineer intimacy by chasing after sex as a key indicator of closeness and trust. And while amazing sex requires trust, it’s not necessarily what creates it between a couple. Or maybe it does?

Intimacy is defined as a deep, personal connection that goes beyond surface-level relationships. It encompasses emotional safety, mutual vulnerability, and true authenticity, allowing individuals to feel completely seen, known, and accepted without judgment.

For those who have crossed that threshold of realization that intimacy is the ultimate goal and sex is one of the expressions of that intimacy, share how you came to that realization. What helped you gain that trust with your spouse? What helped you level up? Did it take a lot of selflessness on both sides? About how many years had you been married when you became aware that intimacy was more than sex-but at the same time sex continued to improve because of increasing intimacy.

If you don’t mind being vulnerable, what obstacles did you have to overcome to smooth off your rough edges and become an amazing lover? I’m sure most of us are still somewhere on the spectrum of “becoming” the person we truly want to be in our marriage. Let’s discuss our collective perspectives.

Single and dating ( I know- pray for me) and the LDS guys are obsessed with sex....I get it - kind of. The immediate sexual discussions are disturbing and a total turn off. Is this just how it is now? ALSO, I'm 100% not a fan of oral, either way (I'm not a virgin). Is this a deal breaker in a marriage for most?

Wondering if I should give up now or find non lds guys to date that are a bit more well rounded ( not sex obsessed).?

And, kinda off topic. Spanking, non sexual is that a thing in marriages?

TLDR: I'm not asking whether Mormon purity culture can cause sexual repression, I know it can. I'm asking whether anyone has actually seen, or is a man in his late 50s or older, who has overcome lifelong sexual repression and shame and become an enthusiastic, emotionally present sexual partner. Understanding intimacy means more than sex and is the core and needs to be developed. Any examples I have found have all been men in their 30s and 40s. Are any of you older and navigating this? Is there any hope? You don't need to read further unless you are curious about our situation. If you are an older man who was the low desire partner and overcame your obstacles, give me hope!

To use an analogy, my husband is standing inches from an old RCA television, amazed by what he's seeing, while I'm standing at the door begging him to come experience IMAX.

My husband (57) and I (51) have been married since 1998. I married at 24 after several long-term sexually active relationships, (I had not been an active member from my mid teens to age 23). He married at 30 and was a virgin with no significant dating history. I had been taught Mormon purity culture, but I never internalized it. Sex always seemed to me like a healthy, joyful, important way for two people to express the intimacy they had with each other. My parents and grandparents modeled that and I was surrounded by responsible sex positive culture. (Very much outside the Mormon corridor, had never even visited)

I have learned that my husband experienced something completely different. (Dead center of the Mormon corridor and all along it)

For 26 years he could barely talk about sex. I repeatedly asked if he wasn't attracted to me, if there was a medical issue, or if there was something we could work on together. Those conversations usually ended with me believing I was the problem and should simply be satisfied with the marriage as it was. Outside of intimacy, we get along incredibly well, he expresses love in other ways. I enjoy being in the same room with him. I still get excited when he gets home from work. He's an incredible father and top tier provider. We are financially comfortable and I happily traveled along supporting him in his career. I know he loves me in the ways he knows how. I should just shut up and be happy, but I know there is more and overall intimacy and comfort in your own sexuality opens a whole new world I want him to experience and experience together. The analogy, he is happy and comfortable watching his 1960s RCA TV set, it works, but there is so much more to experience.

Eventually I stopped initiating because the rejection and lack of passion and desire hurt too much. By 2023 we had gone almost ten years without sex. I genuinely concluded he simply wasn't attracted to me and suggested an amicable divorce so we could both find partners who desired us. We could still be good friends and maintain everything we had built in our marriage. It didn't need to be destroyed, we could just move on. I thought he could find passion and excitement with someone if it wasn't with me.

Instead, my divorce request completely unraveled him.

For the first time he agreed to couples therapy. Through therapy we've learned he struggles with religious scrupulosity and profound sexual repression. I had no idea the repression could be this severe. He didn't use pornography. He couldn't comfortably talk about sex without it being awkward and uncomfortable for both of us and I'm one who is incredibly comfortable talking about sex, my kids would back me up because I've instilled the same in them! Just last year he told me he had genuinely believed that feeling sexually aroused was LITERALLY Satan influencing him. I carried my jaw on the floor for days after he admitted this, he couldn't really be serious, but apparently this is more than just an expression.

Looking back, it's as though his sexual development froze in adolescence. Not because he's immature, but because every sexual feeling was immediately met with shame, fear, and suppression. He mentioned "The Miracle of Forgiveness" and a talk by Elder Packer being very influential among many others.

He says he wants to develop a healthy relationship with his sexuality and the intimacy between us (which I know can't happen until he's comfortable). He's taken two of Jennifer Finlayson-Fife's courses after my insistence ("The Art of Loving" and "Enhancing Sexual Intimacy"), but says he doesn't understand the whole one up, one down and how it relates to him. I understand it and realize he needs even more remedial level sex/intimacy education. He says he needs a certified sex therapist, but hasn't actually pursued one yet. I keep finding books, podcasts, and resources that I've devoured in excitement because the field of sex therapy is absolutely fascinating. I've read nearly everything Natasha Helfer and Jennifer Finlayson-Fife recommend. They have led me to others like Esther Perel and Dr Emily Nagoski, my kindle and audible bookshelves are packed and my podcast history extensive. Meanwhile, he rarely brings up sex, doesn't initiate conversations about what he's learning, and doesn't seem internally driven to work on this unless I push which just makes him angry and turns it back into me being the problem because he is complacent until I again realize divorce is an option and then he's all sorts of promises to do better, and then the cycle begins again.

That's the part I'm struggling with and it has been a complete turnoff to navigate with someone so unenthusiastic about growth in sexuality but insists he is committed to the marriage and wants to stay together. I can't change him and that's OK, but I don't have to stay. We could have a comfortable marriage and partnership and have planned to grow old together. He is comfortable without intimacy, I could sacrifice my needs and close the door to the IMAX theater and get comfy in front of the RCA TV set.

I understand healing from lifelong religious conditioning is incredibly difficult. I know this isn't something you simply decide to stop doing. But after nearly 30 years of marriage, I'm exhausted from carrying almost all of the emotional labor. I don't expect overnight change, but I do need to see genuine curiosity, initiative, and measurable effort, and for fuck's sake, some fucking excitement because HELLO!!! Staring at an RCA Victor screen when there is an IMAX at your disposal is seriously wrong.

Two nights ago I told him, half joking, "Do you realize I'm in my sexual prime? I bet my raging hormones feel like an 18-year-old boy's." His response was, "Well...I was able to repress mine."

That answer absolutely gutted me because it felt like his solution was simply that I should do what he's always done. Maybe that is a valid solution but I don't want it to be. I think it would hurt less to just be alone rather than be lonely in a roomate marriage if that makes any sense.

So my question is for people who have actually lived this

Have you seen someone in their late 50s or beyond recover from this level of lifelong sexual repression?

I'm looking for real experiences because I'm honestly losing hope that this kind of healing is still possible this late in life.

I was wondering if anyone finds it difficult to kiss their partner after their partner goes down on them during that same love-making session?

Iam so upset and confused. So bassicaly last Saturday night I lost my virginity too a boy I had knew him for 3 years but never in that way it started out with a kiss then proceeded on too more I was very drunk when we did it too the point I hardly Rember I just Rember it going in and hurting me and I must had looked clearly uncomfortable and he asked me what was wrong and told me we could stop if I wanted (it was also his first time too) we did if twice that night he promised he wouldn’t leave me and said he wouldn’t tell anyone later on that day I get told he had his phone taken away I believe it and don’t think much of it until I find out he told the biggest snitch ever that me and him had sex and then near enough everyone found out and then I told my bestfriend who then told me he had a girlfriend but was going to break up with his girlfriend for me I was so angry I never knew this. So then on Wednesday he texts me saying he had his phone taken of him ( the whole reason he said he had his phone took was to give him time to break up with his girlfriend that’s what he told my bestfriend) that he gets it back on Friday and that he wanted too see me on Saturday wich I said okay too Friday comes no text Saturday comes no text Sunday comes no text he never texted my freind tried calling him for me as iam not ment too know about the girlfriend and when she tried calling he was out with the girl she called twice he hung up both times as soon as he heard her voice. Now I feel like such a bad person and a home wrecker but I honestly didn’t know and if I did know I would had never had sex with him. One of the worst things is that iam still going to have too see him at parties and stuff as iam freinds with his freind group.

I penetrated and came three times on my wedding night.

We started in missionary and she had to grab my penis to make sure it didn’t go too deep. She could only take a few inches for a couple months. We then switched to cowgirl to finish off.

We took a few minutes off and took a shower together where she let me put it between her boobs and hump. We then dried off and she straddled and rode me while I sat on a chair. She decided she didn’t like that position and we haven’t tried it much since.

We then tried to go to sleep while spooning, which only lasted an hour or two before we started making out again. She went off from dry humping and then I tried to do her doggystyle, but she didn’t like it much. So we finished in cowgirl again.

I won’t bore you all with the background but just recently my wife asked to use my phone to look at LDS tools cuz she wanted someone’s number. I guess she went to go look at my “profile” and saw I had a picture of myself for my name. She got all offended and kept saying things like “let me find a picture of myself to put on my page”. I told her I honestly don’t care and to go ahead and do it. She was freaking out because she wasn’t on it. I showed her that’s just for me and that if you look at household I have a nice family picture of all of us. She was already pissed and it looks like I ruined our Sunday for simply having a picture of myself on my name on LDS tools. It’s not like it’s a dating app and for this same reason I’ve deleted my Facebook and instagram accounts. Anyways I’m the nice guy and will probably end up apologizing cuz it hurts her feelings and I hate to see her sad… but is it my responsibility to make sure she has a good self esteem or that nothing happens that will make her feel bad??

My wife and I are currently in different places from a faith perspective, and it effects our sex life now and then. We're both members, just at different points in our faith journey. Have you experienced discrepancies in faith and/or other non-sexual parts of life that have affected your intimacy?

This is both embarrassing and vulnerable. The last two times my wife and I have tried to have sex she has stopped us and told me that she is not satisfied with our sexual encounters. I tried asking her what would improve it but she does not share anything. The only thing she has shared is that I only pound her and she doesn't get satisfied. This was the first time she has really complained in 20 plus years. She usually has been good to get me off and then she finishes herself with a toy. I have made her orgasm a couple of times but it has not happened in a while. Now I know that women don't always have orgasms but I know I probably could be doing something better. She also does not know how to turn her mind off when we have sex. There is always an aura from her of thinking about my shortcomings and why is she rewarding me if I don't "deserve" it. I am just stuck and looking for any help or maybe just some words of encouragement.

Edit: Thank you all for the responses. It's a bit overwhelming but I am grateful to be able to share and get no real judgment but just thoughts and ideas.

I want to clarify a couple of things. First I do enjoy going down on my wife. I think I do a decent job at that. However she always gets self conscious on me being down there. And then again it just leads to her getting in he way of just letting go and getting into it.

And maybe this next point is more of a couples concern, but when I do try to start dirty talk between us either by text or in talking, she immediately criticizes me for either not following through completely or I say something she doesn't understand and over analyzes everything and the it just stops and again, just stops the enjoyment. She also thinks foreplay is "cheesy". When I say things like she looks nice or things I would do to her, she just says it's all cheesy or that I am trying too hard.

Maybe I am just barking up a bigger tree here than I can overcome. But I am willing to try the suggestions you all offered.

Thinking about your sex life, what would you say you and your spouse are each ‘best’ at? What’s your greatest strength in the bedroom, and why?

My wife and I decided to open our relationship. At first I thought it would be something different and maybe would bring something new to our relationship. She suggested it because we got into an argument one night over a compliment I gave to another woman. She took it the wrong way and suggested that I should sleep with her and she wanted to watch. After that she has been doing a lot and it feels like she’s either trying to make me jealous or get even with me. I don’t want to have an open relationship anymore because I like having a connection to the person I am being sexual with but she said she isn’t ready yet. What should I do?

Wife was talking with another woman about us being in a open marriage and she asked how my wife reconcile this with being active in the church. If you are making choices or participating in activities that might go against the teachings of the church and still active, how do you reconcile it? I would like to hear your thoughts

I've been toying with the idea of getting a sleeve for my husband... I have a few of my own toys ​and thought it might help him.

Without mincing words, he has ED.

My main concern is this: I'm afraid he'll start using it when I'm not home and turn to 'corn' to help him ejaculate. ​

From a man's perspective, is this a good idea? Or is this a slippery slope, and ​should I just try to help him in other manual ways?

Curious who likes looking at women naked? Why?

Is it your perception that there is unfair treatment in membership councils based on the criteria noted? Disclaimer… I’ve never perceived unfair treatment, but am curious what others think. Due to the inherent limits of the poll, you can only select one, although multiple may be applicable. Select the one you believe is most irrelevant.

View Poll

I know several of the ladies here are reading “smut books”. I’m just curious if you sometimes masturbate while reading or are you just filling your mind for later?

I think most guys watching porn are usually masturbating while watching it.

I am a 42F and my husband is 41M. We are planning a vacation for 5 days in the mountains. My husband came to me with a very interesting suggestion... he wants to pack my suitcase for me! I would be able to put together a bag with my hair, makeup and personal items, however, he wants to pack all of my clothes. He also wants to spend about five hundred dollars on new items so that I am surprised! I would basically at the mercy of him for dresses, shirts, shorts, underwear and swimwear. On one hand I am kind of excited by this, but on the other hand i'm a little nervous! I would have no idea what is in my suitcase until I unzipped it once we got there! Lol

Thoughts?