I think half of me is trans...
Hello everyone, this might be a long post as its kind of my first post documenting this side of me and this might not be the proper sub for this so do forgive me if its a bit off topic.
I was thinking, I've been thinking and I came to the conclusion half of me is trans, now this might sound weird so let me try to explain this.
I've struggled with conflicting emotions on things for around 16 years now, over half my life. On a topic I can have 2 wildly different opinions on it and both are true in a certain frame of mind, for the longest time this drove me completely crazy, not when I was like super young and first dealing with this but like all my high school years and my first few years working it was especially bad (I'm only 24 now) its only been this past year I stopped fighting it.
Now I never really understood what this was, it just drove me crazy, I didn't understand how I could have 2 disagreeable opinions on topics and both be correct at certain times of the day. It was especially painful when it came to my sexuality, now I'm bisexual but there was a part inside myself that was just like, insanely gay, like INSANELY gay. I know this might sound like repressed feelings or something but believe me when I say it is different, I am bisexual, I know that, I like women and I also like feminine men there is absolutely a line where my attraction ends, but there was that part inside that was absolutely no line, didn't like women and that plus other disagreeable things drove me into spirals of depression and suicidal thoughts.
Now this leads up to maybe like mid last year, I gave up, I stopped caring about these differing thoughts, I stopped fighting them. Somewhere in that clarity where I wasn't in constant turmoil I found like two parts of myself. (I feel like you all may know a lot more about what I'm about to say a lot more then I will) I figured out the wildly conflicting thoughts would happen all at once, all the things I had disagreements about all at once would all change not just one here and there. Then I kind of found out that the disagreeable voice I was fighting with at times became friendlier and slowly I started to notice there were 2 very discernible parts of myself. One was me (the person writing this, I am the one that wasn't meant to be writing this but its who is here now so oh well) I am the bisexual man very happy with everything, very happy with myself and my gender. The other is Ally, she's the part of me who is trans. Originally this morning when she came up with this she was meant to be writing it so do forgive me as I am probably not mentioning a lot of things she would have wanted to include but I'm trying my best lol.
So the best way to describe it I feel would be like two different versions of myself in the same body, I don't really know what makes us swap who is like in control but it just happens, I struggle to describe what it feels like. But when she was in control she realized she doesn't feel right as a man, she is a woman. We also have differing taste in music, games, hobbies. I like more metal, edm, she likes hyperpop, classical. I like competitive games like CS2, Valorant, she likes minecraft, terraria. I like bush walking, kayaking, she likes reading, doomscrolling. There is a LOT more things that we don't fully agree on and differences between us but we've worked out how to live together. I think a lot of the reason we struggled so much was my fault, I refused to acknowledge her existence, I was trying to refuse her, an entire part of myself, and stop her from actually existing. I honestly feel terrible.
Shes sweet, shes like me but unique, shes herself. I honestly forgot the reason she wanted to make this, I feel it was to share our story, shes better at stuff like this so maybe tomorrow she will update this (This was meant to be like her account but its just been only me since I got home and was able to make this).
I don't know, I hope you all find my story a little interesting, if you have any questions or if this was the wrong sub to post this please let me know and ill correct my error. But yeah, this is how half of me is Trans, im not but Ally is. (This post would have made so much more sense if she wrote it)