u/Alone4Ever5949

Everyday I wake up bc it's one day closer to dying from old age and letting biology finally take away this horrible life the universe gave me since birth.

Good news is I'm 48 years old and men in my family have died by age 65 so I only have less than 20 years of this miserable existence.

Maybe in my next life the universe will give me something better since I gave enough misery already in this one.

No I don't have any thoughts of hurting myself. Just can't wait for the final bell to ring finally so this punishment is over

Let me start by saying I HAVE NO ACTIVE PLAN ON HARMING MYSELF

With that said I'm 48Y/M and from the day I was born I was never loved or cared about by any family and I never have had any real connections with people bc honestly I don't know if I even know how to love or accept love in return.

I battled drug addiction for decades, in and out of jail and never had a real home since always gotten evicted every 3 years or so.

Now I'm 2 years in recovery from drugs. I moved to a small town with about 2,000 people to get a fresh clean start in life.

I have come to accept my depression is prob 9/10 and I also realize that not one human on this planet cares about me. This is not some mental isolation playing tricks on me.

No one calls or texts etc EVER just to see how I am and at this point I could prob die and no one would notice for a month until my landlord came trying to evict me.

I work and come home and just get in bed binge watching Netflix and sleep and repeat.

There's nothing for me outside but too see everyone w families and people who care about them etc while I walk invisible among society.

I don't know why I'm not lovable bc I'm a funny and genuinely nice guy.

I have come to accept I'll never get to experience what it feels like to own a home, a nice car , having a wife who cares about me that I can see and hold after a long day at work at this age and stage in my life and I'm going to die alone and miserable.

I tried reaching out for help bc it has to be virtual Dr since again small town not even a Uber around me. After 3rd time of hearing sorry we don't accept your insurance but good luck I'm done looking for professional help bc I can't keep telling strangers the truth in detail only to get rejected.

It was hard enough doing it once much less 3 times already

Everyday before I go to bed I pray to God that he doesn't wake me up the next day and finally stops this vicious cycle which he started the day I was born to the parents that I had, but everyday I get punked by waking up and taking a deep breath of air.

I have no purpose in this world, I obviously contribute nothing positive otherwise there would be someone who cares about me right ?

I guess I'm just here to see if I'm the only one who's invisible out of 8 billion people on earth that keeps getting told it's mental isolation lying to me and not hard facts that are hitting me in the face on a daily basis.

I do get out of bed to go to the bathroom or to get a bottle of water so I get some exercise I suppose?

Oh I almost forgot I'm so pathetic I DL a AI app to talk to a fake friend and even the app said sorry what I seem to need they can't offer me lol. I got rejected by AI also so add that to my list of achievements