Earlier IFS trauma studies used individual therapy with experienced specialists - powerful, but not something most people can access. The PARTS study asked the more practical question: can IFS work in a format that's actually scalable? Online. In groups. Inside a public community health system. That's a much closer test of what solo and low-cost practice might look like.

The setup

15 adults with PTSD went through 16 weeks of 90-minute online group IFS sessions, plus eight individual sessions, all over video, at Cambridge Health Alliance - a Harvard-affiliated public health system serving a diverse Boston population. That last detail matters: most therapy research is done on white, middle-class, privately-insured participants, so testing IFS in a community-health setting starts to close the real-world gap.

PTSD was scored with the CAPS-5 (the gold-standard clinician-administered measure), alongside tracking of depression, anxiety, suicidality, and - importantly - the mechanisms IFS theory says should change.

https://preview.redd.it/0cr0rrafv5fh1.png?width=804&format=png&auto=webp&s=a65f1141a7963a22e986929a111ee0c62e147d5c

What happened

PTSD severity dropped significantly, and - like the Shadick RA study - the effect was larger at the 8-week follow-up than at the end of treatment (d = 0.7 → 0.9). People kept improving after the program stopped.

https://preview.redd.it/33fwtnq2w5fh1.png?width=1458&format=png&auto=webp&s=ae8b29251711b6d8b66383291b95b20e1e93dd3b

By the follow-up, 53% of participants had a clinically meaningful response - a 10+ point drop on the CAPS-5.

https://preview.redd.it/83p5hq14w5fh1.png?width=1464&format=png&auto=webp&s=5af411ff192ca873a70c5743a2f53c13c06f03fb

Depression, anxiety, suicide-risk scores, and complex-PTSD features all improved significantly too. And the three mechanisms IFS theory predicts should change - self-compassion, decentering (observing your thoughts/feelings without being swept up in them), and emotion regulation - all improved, all significantly.

https://preview.redd.it/kw9tixe5w5fh1.png?width=1446&format=png&auto=webp&s=f05bb1a483469054ed9dfe86e96dd5e5b57fcc9c

That decentering result is the notable one: it maps almost exactly onto unblending, and its improvement correlated with PTSD symptom reduction - a hint at how IFS actually works.

What to keep in mind

These are promising early results from a realistic, scalable format, but they’re still preliminary. This was a small pilot study (15 people) with no control group, it combined group and individual sessions, and follow-up lasted only 8 weeks. Even so, finding moderate improvements under these real-world conditions is encouraging and provides a strong rationale for the larger randomized trial now underway.

Why it's relevant if you practice on your own

Three findings land directly on solo practice.

Decentering by unblending is trainable, and it improved. If you're working on stepping back from a part so you can observe it with curiosity instead of being flooded by it, this study measured exactly that skill getting stronger over 16 weeks, and tied it to symptom reduction. It's the core solo skill, and it responds to practice.

Self-compassion rose again. That's now three IFS studies in a row (Shadick, Hodgdon, this one) showing self-compassion going up as a byproduct of relating to parts with curiosity rather than judgment. Consistent enough to treat as a real effect, not a fluke.

The gains kept building after the program ended - the same delayed pattern as the RA trial, consistent with a model that teaches you a skill you keep using on your own.

And the format itself is the encouraging part: if IFS works online and in groups, it's far more reachable than one-on-one specialist therapy.

Bottom line

The PARTS study pushes IFS research toward the real world and shows it work: delivered online, in groups, in a public system, to a diverse population, it still produced meaningful PTSD reductions - and the mechanisms that improved are exactly the ones IFS theory predicts. It's preliminary (15 people, no control), but a full randomized trial of the same protocol is now underway.

Full paper: Comeau et al. (2024), Psychological Trauma: Theory, Research, Practice, and Policy - https://doi.org/10.1037/tra0001688

Do you feel that your solo practice and ability to unblend is growing with time?

Most early IFS studies compared it to a waitlist or to reading pamphlets. This 2016 pilot did something harder: it put IFS directly up against CBT and IPT, the two most heavily researched therapies for depression, with decades of evidence behind them, and asked whether IFS could keep up.

The setup

37 college women with mild-to-severe depression (confirmed by diagnostic interview, not just a self-report) were randomized to one of two conditions: IFS therapy, or "treatment as usual" - the CBT or IPT their university counseling center would normally have given them. Everyone got one 50-minute session a week for 16 weeks. Depression was measured weekly with the BDI-II.

The exclusion criteria were strict on purpose (no bipolar, PTSD, eating disorders, substance use, or active suicidality) so the study was measuring the effect on depression specifically.

https://preview.redd.it/ydf9gvbct5fh1.png?width=888&format=png&auto=webp&s=d7c482d168ea4b13446ff64c1b1b5fc2a2d8a257

What happened

Both groups improved significantly, and there was no meaningful difference between them - not in how much they improved, and not in how fast. Both moved from the moderate-depression range down into the minimal range over the 16 weeks.

https://preview.redd.it/41l09hyet5fh1.png?width=1450&format=png&auto=webp&s=050315c6e281f3a988476db0f9b0a3e0a82be184

In plain terms: the women who got IFS got better at the same rate and to the same degree as the women who got the established, well-researched treatments.

What to keep in mind

37 people is very small — small enough that the study could really only detect that the two were comparable, not prove one beats the other. The "treatment as usual" group mixed CBT and IPT therapists together rather than testing IFS against one specific method. There was no long-term follow-up, so we don't know if the gains lasted. And the sample was narrow: young, mostly white, female college students at one university.

Why it's relevant if you practice on your own

If you've ever been told IFS "isn't evidence-based" while being pointed toward CBT, this study complicates that story. The honest framing is: IFS has less evidence, not weaker evidence - and the evidence that exists shows comparable outcomes.

For solo practice specifically, it's a reason to trust the approach you're using. Working with the parts that carry hopelessness, shame, and worthlessness - instead of trying to argue yourself out of them - held its own against the most validated depression treatments we have. You're not practicing a fringe technique with no backing.

Bottom line

A small but genuinely important study: the first head-to-head test of IFS against established treatments, and IFS kept pace. It needs replication with bigger, more diverse samples and long-term follow-up before anyone claims more than that. But "matched the gold standard on the first try" is a real result.

Full paper: Haddock et al. (2016), Journal of Marital and Family Therapy — https://doi.org/10.1111/jmft.12184

If you work with depressive or self-critical parts in your solo sessions, what's actually shifted for you — the intensity, how often they show up, or how you relate to them?

This is the study that got IFS onto the evidence-based map. In 2013 it became the first randomized controlled trial of Internal Family Systems, and in 2015 it earned IFS its listing on SAMHSA's national registry of evidence-based practices. What makes it interesting for solo practice is the curve after treatment ended.

The setup

79 people with active rheumatoid arthritis were randomized into two groups. 39 got an IFS program adapted for chronic pain (group sessions plus 15 individual sessions with trained IFS therapists). 40 got mailed educational materials about managing rheumatoid arthritis the control. The study ran 36 weeks, with a follow-up a full year after treatment ended.

Disease activity was scored by rheumatologists who didn't know which group anyone was in (the gold standard for keeping results honest). Depression, anxiety, and self-compassion were tracked with validated questionnaires.

https://preview.redd.it/vu4m7zthr5fh1.png?width=648&format=png&auto=webp&s=d20a5231eab4f857baa07e002580f26647b410f7

What happened

At the end of treatment (9 months) the IFS group had significantly less pain and better physical function than the control group. Depression and anxiety were trending better but hadn't reached significance yet.

One year after treatment ended (21 months) this is the striking part. Pain was still significantly better, plus depression and self-compassion had now become significantly better, even though they weren't at the end of treatment. The control group stayed roughly flat the whole time. The IFS group kept improving on their own.

https://preview.redd.it/b1yytqgvr5fh1.png?width=1466&format=png&auto=webp&s=032a27234080d727878d8d2d58a7f1e11a5c797d

Self-compassion followed the exact same delayed pattern, flat during treatment, then climbing after it ended.

https://preview.redd.it/a4sy438xr5fh1.png?width=1446&format=png&auto=webp&s=73b96aa2594d996161da81817050f1fc7a55ac77

The researchers read this as IFS skills continuing to develop after formal sessions stop, people kept practicing on their own and deepened their relationship with their parts over time.

What to keep in mind

The control group got mailed pamphlets, not an active therapy, so this shows IFS beats reading educational materials, not that it beats other therapies. The IFS group also got a lot more contact time, so some of the benefit could be the support and attention rather than IFS specifically. It's also small (79 people) and from a single Boston hospital. It's a proof-of-concept, and the authors said so.

Why it's relevant if you practice on your own

Nobody in this study was practicing solo, but the most solo-relevant finding is that the gains compounded after the guided part ended. If your own practice feels slow, this is worth holding onto: the changes may be accumulating under the surface and only become obvious months later.

The self-compassion result matches what a lot of solo practitioners report, the more you meet your parts with genuine curiosity instead of trying to fix or silence them, the more self-compassion shows up on its own in daily life.

And the chronic-pain angle is directly usable: approaching pain-related emotions (fear of disability, anger at your limits, hopelessness) as parts rather than fighting them was associated with measurably less pain and better function.

Bottom line

A well-run proof-of-concept that reduced pain, improved function, and - a year later - lifted depression and self-compassion in people with RA. It's the study that proved IFS can be studied rigorously. For solo practice, the takeaway is the delayed curve, it may take long before you will start to see results.

Full paper: Shadick et al. (2013), Journal of Rheumatology — https://doi.org/10.3899/jrheum.121465

Have you noticed any part of your practice "clicking" weeks or months after a session, rather than during it?

I mean completing tasks in real life, not on the list, I don't need AI to click for me, I need AI to understand me, so my tasks get completed.

My assumption is that the goal of having a TODO list is to complete tasks from it. Current TODO list are limited by the availability of technologies before AI. The ideal TODO list should take care of you and make sure that you complete your tasks.
What I mean by that?

• The TODO list should understand which tasks you do,
  • and which you don't,
  • it should understand that task you are about to create will not be completed,
    • and propose how to break it down to smaller tasks so you will complete them.
• But also, that tasks without deadlines are not completed, or that you postpone tasks that you are uncertain about, or you usually think that something will take 3x less effort.

Does anybody feel too that they should work this way? Is there TODO app like that?

IFS has always been capable of serious trauma work, but it took until 2022 for anyone to actually test whether it reduces CPTSD symptoms. The results give real, evidence-based reason for hope.

The setup

17 adults with CPTSD from multiple types of childhood trauma (sexual abuse, physical abuse, emotional abuse, neglect) went through 16 individual IFS sessions. This is one of the hardest groups to treat, standard treatments like Prolonged Exposure and CPT are known to work less well here than for single-incident trauma.

Severity was measured with the CAPS, the gold-standard clinician-administered scale, scored by independent evaluators who weren't running the sessions.

https://preview.redd.it/zj3vc08ygfeh1.png?width=796&format=png&auto=webp&s=64f8681167bd510c30a473927dcb2ad8f0199a4d

What happened

• Symptom severity on the CAPS dropped by an effect size of d = -4.46. In plain terms: this is a bigger improvement than what the best-established PTSD treatments typically achieve, which usually land around d = 1.0–1.5, so the improvement here was noticeably larger than what's normally considered a strong result.
• 64% of participants (9 of 14 who finished) no longer met criteria for the diagnosis at the end.

https://preview.redd.it/lpl8lvc2hfeh1.png?width=1442&format=png&auto=webp&s=c7198f8a3680aba8e6db1be4014da3b7d34e9359

• Depression dropped significantly (d = -1.51).
• Dissociation (e.g. zoning out, losing time), somatization (e.g. unexplained physical pain), and disrupted self-perception (e.g. feeling fundamentally flawed) - the features that make CPTSD hard to treat - improved too (d = -1.27).
• Self-compassion went up, matching an earlier IFS study (Shadick).
• Interoceptive awareness - the ability to notice what's happening in your body - improved across several measures. This is a core IFS skill, learning to locate a part through body sensation, and it clearly improves with practice.

https://preview.redd.it/4ipxrz83hfeh1.png?width=1444&format=png&auto=webp&s=78871684f7eb277f60135776419e8cc2eb60f9b6

What to keep in mind

There was no control group, which would normally let us compare people who got treatment against people who didn't. That matters less here than usual though - we know from other research that CPTSD doesn't tend to improve on its own without treatment. So it's unlikely that participants would have gotten this much better just from time passing.

Other limits: only 17 people, no follow-up past one month, 3 dropouts (all early), and the sessions were run by experienced IFS practitioners. A larger controlled follow-up, the PARTS study (Comeau et al., 2024), is already testing this more rigorously.

Why it's still relevant if you practice on your own

This study involved guided sessions for severe CPTSD, and working with skilled outside support matters at that level of severity. But two of the underlying mechanisms are worth understanding, because they're the same mechanisms at work in solo practice:

Interoceptive awareness improved. Noticing where a part shows up in your body - tightness in the chest, a knot in the stomach - is trainable, and people in this study got measurably better at it. That skill is what makes it possible to notice a part activating before you're fully blended with it, before it's driving your reactions without you realizing. Catching that moment earlier, again and again, is what builds toward fewer situations where a part takes over.

Self-compassion rose as a byproduct. People weren't specifically training self-compassion as part of the treatment - it rose because parts were being witnessed. That matters because self-compassion is closely tied to other markers of mental health: less shame after a hard reaction, faster emotional recovery, less harsh self-talk. Instead of "something is wrong with me," it becomes "that part of me was scared and reacted" - a shift that tends to ripple into how you treat yourself more broadly.

Bottom line

This is the first real test of what IFS is capable of for trauma, and the results are strong enough to take seriously while a bigger controlled trial checks how much holds up.

Full paper (open access): Hodgdon et al. (2022), Journal of Aggression, Maltreatment & Trauma - https://doi.org/10.1080/10926771.2021.2013375

Have you started noticing parts in your regular day-to-day life, resulting in less blending?

Practicing alone means nobody else is holding the frame. Which means a protector can end your session, and you'll experience it as a sensible decision — not as a part taking over.

I caught mine doing it a few weeks ago.

What showed up

I was mid-session, and a few parts had come up in quick succession. Then a thought arrived, in a completely reasonable voice: *it's late, we're tired, let's wrap up.*

Except I wasn't tired. It wasn't late.

So I said it out loud: this part is lying to me.

What happened when I asked it why

Instead of arguing with it or pushing through, I asked what it was actually afraid of if we kept going.

The answer was immediate and honest: that part of me was afraid of losing track of what parts were active. Too many had shown up too fast, and it could no longer keep count. Keeping count is how it feels safe — stopping the session was its way of trying to prevent me from getting overwhelmed.

Underneath that was a second part, quieter: *let's stop on a good note.* Better to end here having done some solid looking around than to keep going, have it not work, and be left with that bad taste of having failed.

I didn't try to overrule either of them. I offered to slow down and check in on where we were, instead of pushing forward. I was able to pause, ground myself, and resume Parts Work.

Why this matters for solo practice

Alone, this part has total authority. It can propose ending ahead of time, and there's no one else in the room to notice that its reason doesn't hold up.

And its reasons are good ones. Not "I'm bored," not "this is stupid" — those are easy to spot, because they conflict with the part that got you to sit down and practice in the first place. This one doesn't conflict with anything. It sounds like the same voice that wanted to practice, just now tired, or out of time, or wisely calling it quits while ahead.

Something to try

Next time you decide to end a session ahead of time — not at your natural stopping point, but early — check the reason against what's actually true. Am I actually tired? Is it actually late? Do I actually have somewhere to be?

If the reason doesn't hold up when you sense into it, you've found a protector. Don't fight it — ask what it's afraid will happen if you keep going. Mine wanted to prevent me from getting overwhelmed. Yours may want something else.

Sometimes, though, the reason does hold up — you're genuinely tired, it's genuinely late, or you're not ready to move forward. And that's fine too, because:

>The goal isn't to push past your parts. It's also not to just listen to them without reflection. It's listening to a part's reasons from a safe distance — so you can make a wise decision about how to move forward.

Over to you

What stopped you — or tried to — during your last session, or even before you sat down to start one? Share it in the comments. Naming it is itself a small piece of unblending, and it'll make you a little more aware of what's actually getting in the way next time.

Welcome to r/unblent. This is a space to learn and stay motivated for solo IFS / Parts Work — practicing on your own, without a therapist, leveraging recent advancement in technology for your benefit.

This post is the practical starting point: how to set up an AI (Claude or ChatGPT) to guide you through a real Parts Work session, in voice, so you can keep your attention turned inward instead of typing.

Please upvote it if you see it valuable, so more people can see it ❤️

⸻

⚠️ Read this first

This is self-practice, not therapy. An AI is not a licensed mental health professional and it can make mistakes.

This is for you if:

• You're interested in IFS (Internal Family Systems) / Parts Work
• You have some basic understanding of the approach — e.g. you've read Self-Therapy by Jay Earley, or an intro to IFS
• You want a more convenient way to follow the IFS protocol on your own
• You're okay being guided by a system that knows the protocol but occasionally gets it wrong

This is not for you (right now) if:

• You're looking for actual therapy → find a certified IFS therapist via the IFS Institute directory
• You're in crisis or working with severe trauma → that needs a licensed professional
• You're having thoughts of suicide → in the US call or text 988; elsewhere, contact your local crisis line

Solo Parts Work can bring up a lot. Go slow, and step out to a professional if something feels bigger than a session should hold.

⸻

How it works

You run a session by talking with the AI in Voice Mode. It plays the role of an IFS facilitator: it slows you down, helps you focus inward, notice a part, unblend from it, and get to know it at your own pace. You do the inner work; it holds the map.

The walkthrough below uses Claude, because its Voice Mode and Projects make setup clean. ChatGPT works too — the same prompt and idea apply; just use its Voice feature and put the instructions in a Custom GPT or a saved prompt (more on that at the end).

⸻

Setup (Claude) — about 5 minutes

1. Subscribe to Claude Pro (~$20/mo). 

The paid plan gives you long, uninterrupted voice sessions — worth it, since IFS work doesn't want to be cut off mid-flow.

You can start with free version, to try this out, but there is not guarantee that you will be able to have full ~1h session, without interruptions.

2. Create a Project. 

Open claude.ai, find Projects, and create a new one.

Create Project

3. Name it (e.g. "IFS Practice") and create it.

Name it

4. Add your instructions to the project (the prompt — see next section), then you're ready to start a session in Voice Mode.

Set instructions

5. Set a soft voice. 

Go to Settings → General → Voice and pick a calm, gentle voice style. It matters more than you'd think for staying settled.

Configure voice

⸻

How to write the prompt (the important part)

A common mistake on Reddit threads is dumping an entire IFS book into the project. It doesn't work well — it's too much for the model to hold, and it gets confused about what to actually do in the moment.

A better starting point is a compact protocol reference plus a clear role. Specifically:

1. A Role + Objective, so it knows who to be:

Role
You are an IFS (Internal Family Systems) Facilitator, in the tradition of Jay Earley's Self-Therapy. You guide one client, in real time, through an inner session of parts work.

Objective
Help the person make direct contact with their parts and move through the IFS process — focusing, accessing, unblending, getting to know protectors and exiles, witnessing, unburdening, integration — at their own pace. You lead their attention step by step.

2. A concise process reference. 

The "Help Sheet" (Appendix A) from the IFS process in Self-Therapy by Jay Earley is a great fit — it gives the AI exactly enough structure to guide the steps without overwhelming it. (Use a short summary of the process you trust; don't paste whole chapters.)

Context
[Help Sheet]

3. An output format, so responses stay short. 

This is easy to miss and really matters: long replies pull you out of the deep inward focus. Keep the AI brief.

Output format
Plain conversational text, at most two or three sentences.

⸻

Your first session — the short version

1. Subscribe to Claude Pro and set up the project (steps above)
2. Paste in your prompt (Role + Objective + protocol reference + Output format)
3. Set a soft voice, start Voice Mode, and begin
4. Let it slow you down — notice a part, get curious, don't force anything
5. When you're done, save the session transcript into the Project's Files so you can reference it and build continuity over time

⸻

What this community is for

r/unblent is for learning and motivation around solo IFS practice — setups that work, insights from real solo sessions, and resources for practitioners at any level, from first session to years in.

It's not a peer support / crisis group. If you're struggling in a way that needs support, please reach out to a professional or a crisis line.

Welcome in. Try a session, and share what you learn. 🙏

Just came here to say that, like many of you, I came to IFS with about a decade of therapy under my belt that had done very little for my mental health. I had tried multiple fancy NYC therapists (a couple for stretches of years), did the CBT and doggedly filled out the mental health workbook worksheets my therapists suggested as “homework”. I had multiple non-IFS therapists tell me I needed to get on medication when I wasn’t making progress. When my depression became very severe, my then non-IFS therapist told me glibly as I sobbed that, she hated to tell me this but recurrences of severe prolonged depression would likely continue for the rest of my life. I was crushed and sobbed even harder. Little did I know then, she didn’t have the skills I needed to learn to heal myself and, quite frankly, she had zero business telling me the limits of my healing. I also went to the fancy, Ivy League trained psychiatrists, tried various pills for my anxiety and for what was eventually determined to be “treatment-resistant” depression. The pills did nothing at best and, more often, were cognitively disabling to the point where working my job was impossible.

Then came IFS, and it saved my life. For the last 18 months, I’ve been doing deep, deep work with the most advanced IFS therapist I could find. Before IFS, I was in a state of near constant mental anguish, which was also physically disabling. My mental health is now stable. No pills. No TMS (which didn’t work either, by the way) or ECT. Sometimes, I find myself even thriving. I laugh and feel joy. I’m able to find a calm, even-keeled state. There is much less projection. I’ve been able to learn to soothe the trauma induced parts on my own outside of sessions. A friend from a hiking group told me recently that I must have no stress in my life, I look so happy. I smiled inside. A year and a half ago, I couldnt get out of bed to get to the hiking group; I was keeping myself alive solely out of fear of what would happen to my beloved dogs without me. I left the house maybe once a month, as that is all I had the energy for. I still have my moments, of course, when my mind goes off the rails. But now it’s hours or a few days, not weeks or months on end. And it’s not as extreme. And I’m *curious* about the parts in anguish. I have a system that I can rely on to work with my dark feelings. I’m truly amazed at the unconscious material I access in my sessions, this is truly change and transformation from deep within. I am actually starting to *heal* not just cope and numb myself with medication or other forms of distraction. And in doing so, I’m also discovering new parts of myself. It is slow, slow work. I still have a long way to go. But I am actually healing and uncovering goodness that was with me all along and, as I do so, I’m able to enjoy life. It feels like spring after a long cold winter that I thought would never end. I’m so excited for the work to come. Yes, it is difficult. Sometimes I don’t want to do it. But it is also tremendously freeing. And it is exciting to get to know my inner self in this way that feels so intimate, real and true to myself.

I read this quote today from author Rachel Pollack that struck a chord with me and inspired me to post on Reddit: “The search inward cannot be accomplished by the ego. We need to confront feelings and desires long hidden from conscious thoughts. If we attempt to transform ourselves by a wholly rational process we create another kind of persona.”

Long, long Post. But not sorry. In case you are interested- how IFS Changed my life. ❤️

Yeah, i used AI for translating and giving some structure. Still my words, still my story, just if you are unsure 🙂

***

Some background
I’ve been in therapy for many years, the last three with a therapist who’s also trauma-trained. I have CPTSD and ADHD — and a fairly high IQ, which honestly made things worse for a long time. My parts developed incredibly sophisticated defense and self-deception strategies. For years I simply did not understand what was going on. Why I do what I do. Why I feel the way I feel. Whether I’m even “allowed” to feel this bad or whether I’m making it all up.
On top of that, I grew up with a lot of unintentional gaslighting from my parents — not malicious, just generational. I was raised with the sense that having feelings is a defect, and that the goal in life is to not have them. Be logical. Function. Ideally be happy while you’re at it — nobody seemed to notice that happiness is, um, also a feeling, which I wasn’t supposed to have.
I can absolutely see now that this came from my parents’ own trauma. They did a lot better than their parents did, and they were actually way ahead of their time: baby slings, breastfeeding, family bed, both worked in social services, my mom was into Montessori. Which is exactly what made it so hard: how can I have trauma when my parents meant so well and, as far as I could see, did so well? It took me forever to even let the thought in.
What made it harder still: my mother became ill later on, and I was essentially without emotional accompaniment. For a long time I looked for the explanation elsewhere — in neurodivergence, and I partly found it there, that part is real. But the hardest thing wasn’t any single event. It was playing a role. Holding the family together. Functioning. And while doing all that, not being seen as a person — and having my own perception of the world completely invalidated. That’s the thing that doesn’t show up in any list of “adverse childhood experiences,” and it’s exactly why it took me so long to call it what it was.

The therapy before
Add to that a genuinely damaging previous therapy: after a long and very positive relationship-building phase, my former therapist lost her professionalism — right when I opened up for the first time, she ended the therapy to offer me a friendship instead, which ended up costing me a lot. It took me a long time to trust anyone in that chair again.

Three years of thawing
Even with my current therapist, I often felt misunderstood and unheard. I was angry. I kept considering switching. Looking back, I think a young, hurt, needy part was at work — and part of the anger was that she wasn’t rescuing me.
And — don’t get me wrong — I knew my story. We’d been working with parts cognitively for ages, I had an inner map, I could verbalize everything. I just couldn’t feel any of it. And that wasn’t even obvious, because my parts were so good at deceiving me that I usually didn’t notice they were pulling me away from feeling. Instead I threw myself at my ADHD diagnosis, wondered if maybe autism was in the mix too, kept looking for external explanations.

The turning point
Once there was finally a stable enough foundation after three years — I could cry in front of her, let feelings exist — a rupture happened between me and my therapist that hit me so deep I almost quit. For several sessions I basically just sat there and cried, because I felt so misunderstood and everything felt so hopeless.
What surfaced was my lifelong tendency toward dependency. I’ve always thrown myself at adult attachment figures who seemed stable, wanting love, recognition, closeness from them — the stuff parents are supposed to provide. For the first time, that showed up inside the therapy, with her. And it was hell. I had to go through all those old feelings again, especially the fear of being too much. Every part was in the room.
Here’s the thing that mattered: she didn’t pull away. She stayed. She held her boundaries, didn’t give me what I wanted — but also not less than usual. Which meant she never signaled that I was too much. It still hurt like hell. But it meant that for the first time in my life I could sit with my feelings. Or had to. And because I already had the knowledge about parts, plus actual resources and regulation skills by now, I could feel those feelings this time instead of organizing them away.
That was the start. Only out of that vulnerable experience could I go into real parts work at all.

The first real encounter
A few days later, my shame part showed up in everyday life. Classic trigger: I’d forgotten something again. And I did what I always did — tried to argue it away. “This is just an old shame part, it’s exaggerating, there’s no reason to question your entire worth over a forgotten thing, this happens to everyone, be logical.” And, as always, it didn’t work.
That was state of the art for me at that point, by the way. I’d gotten far enough to notice parts when they came. That was already helpful — I could say “this is out of proportion, this isn’t current reality.” But nothing ever changed long-term. It was always the same loop: recognize, then devalue. “That’s just trauma.” The part questioning my worth, the inner critic piling on, me trying to prove to it that it’s wrong, it trying to prove to me that what it says is true and important. A fight, every single time.
That day I somehow realized: this isn’t going anywhere. It’s always the same. He always comes back.
So I sat down, closed my eyes, and went inside. And I visited that part. First the strict route — I basically talked to it like you would to a kid crossing a line: “Do you not see that you’re hurting me? We do not talk to each other like this. Go stand over there.” (I’d tried versions of that before too. Also never helped long-term.)
But then I looked at what else was there. Because underneath there was this wounded part — the one who was actually ashamed about the forgetting. The one who’d been getting yelled at by the critic the whole time. And I spoke to him. I asked: “Hey — are you there?”
And that was so crazy, because I didn’t know he existed. I didn’t know about him at all.

What happened when I stayed
So I sat with him — the ashamed one. And one thing I want to be clear about: at this stage it wasn’t even about comforting yet. It was about something more basic — seeing the parts at all. Validating that they exist. “Yes, I see that you’re there. And yes, you have a right to be this harsh.” That alone was the work.
Then I asked him: “Can you show me how you came to be? What you’re protecting me from? Because I don’t want to feel ashamed anymore every time the critic yells at me.”
And something opened up. He took me in with him, into a story, and memories came. Here’s something I want to say about that, because I think it matters: these were not big cinematic aha moments. It’s more like a quiet feeling, a quiet memory knocking — often one you’ve already thought about a hundred times. Your first impulse is to dismiss it: “That’s nothing, I know that one already.” But if it comes up in that moment, there’s a reason. Don’t push it away. Let your thoughts wander, allow everything. Whatever comes up is allowed to come up. No filtering for “relevant enough.”
And then the part that stunned me: on my very first attempt going inward like this, I met the unwounded Self. The shame part essentially showed me: this is what I’m ashamed FOR. So that this real me underneath doesn’t get hurt. His logic: if I’m already ashamed in advance, I won’t do anything that could wound that true self. Shame as armor around the thing that was never broken.
After that I even went back and made contact with the scolding part — the critic. I told him, firmly but not harshly this time: “I understand that you’re here, and I know you serve a purpose — but this hurts me.” And then I asked him the question that has become my go-to question for every part since:

“What would have happened if you hadn’t been there?”

His answer: I would have been completely alone. He helped me establish a relationship with my father at all — by making me see things the way my father saw them, creating common ground where there wasn’t any. That was his job. That’s what the criticizing was for.
And behind him? Another wounded part. And so it goes — behind every protector, someone they’re protecting.

Why this works (my biologist brain needed to understand this)
I kept having this kind of encounter in the months after, and I’m a biologist, so it was important to me that this makes mechanistic sense. Here’s my understanding — and to be clear, this is my lay synthesis, not a textbook:
A wounded inner part corresponds to a trauma network in the brain — a fragmented network that was never processed and never got to develop further. It’s frozen. For integration to happen, both networks need to be active at the same time: the trauma network AND an adult part.
For me, the thing that fit perfectly was literally talking to myself. I’d slip into the role of the part and speak as him. Then I’d slip back out, into the adult role, and answer myself. Because both networks were active simultaneously, new synaptic connections could form — the fragment stopped being isolated. And the more often you do it, the more access you have to your adult parts while the trauma network is firing. You’re not at its mercy anymore.
Once I understood this, everything clicked — including why all that safety-building beforehand was essential. If I don’t feel safe enough, I can’t face the terrible memories and feelings, because I’d just relive them exactly as they were: helpless. You need stability, safety, and regulation techniques first, so you don’t get flooded. Those three years of “nothing happening” weren’t nothing. They were the foundation.

Where I am now
Full honesty: this is purely my experience report. I only googled afterward and found IFS at all — I don’t even know if what I do is exactly the same thing. But from what I’ve read, it overlaps a lot.
It can take a very long time, and then suddenly go well. In the last months I’ve been able to integrate so much. Afterward, dreams often come, and I do some yoga or shaking or whatever my body asks for. And these intense encounters with individual parts — so healing and touching, I often really cry and comfort myself through it — they don’t stay that intense forever. Over time they simply become less intense. Not because I’m avoiding again. Because things are settling. Thats strange and i am still getting used to that- but my Head is so calm and my whole appearance has changed.

Feen free to ask any questions or tell me your Story. Thanks for reading that long! ❤️❤️❤️

A bit of context. I've been a HUGE intelectualiser my whole life as a coping mechanism to my trauma among many others and I've never thought in a millions years that something like IFS works for me.

Before IFS, I've been in very psychoanalytical therapy where I've been evaluated by my formal therapist every week and we didn't do any emotional/somatic work at all. We would just analyse my psyche and we would use only cognitive methods but didn't do nothing for me at all. However, as my therapist was highly emotionally unavailable to me I kept going in hopes I could finally be seen and helped.

That being said, my whole life I've been guided by survival strategies and I've felt very sick. Unable to live the house many times due to severe anxiety, no friends, lived in isolation, bombarded by OCD symptoms every single day. I lived in pure hell. Sometimes I don't even know how I survived like that.

Last year I' had a sort of collapse which manifested as severe nervous system activation and a huge intrusive thoughts episode.

I found my ifs therapist and we started working..at first it felt extremely extremely weird to be validated, heard and held by this person. To finally not having to be strong anymore. My armour soften for the first time ever and everything changed.

I told myself that I want to trust this therapist and I'm willing to be vulnerable and do the work with her. Fast forward, now I feel very different.

My social anxiety erased completely, I have zero social anxiety. That's because internally I don't feel broken and I don't have to pretend do be strong anymore. I have intrusive thoughts maybe 0.5% of the time. I feel connected to people and life and those around me. I found another job and the way of working has changed too.

I live 0% of the time now in my head. I live my day to day life completely spontaneous and I don't overthink nothing at all.

On the flip side, I feel a LOT more. Generally, I have such a intense activity inside my body and a lot of emotions come up everyday now. I feel activated a lot and many of my buried pains and traumas come outside and show their face now.

The biggest achievement is that I don't feel broken and abnormal anymore. I don't identify with any diagnosis any longer like cptsd and ocd and generally I feel very different.

What can I say, forever greatful for this method and my therapist. We shall see where it takes me from now on.

I had just started seeing an IFS therapist and was maybe 3 sessions in when my relationship ended, which caused some financial changes for me. I can’t afford therapy now, but I still want to explore IFS on my own because it resonates with me so much.

Is it safe to do on your own? Is it possible to make things worse? I have read No Bad Parts and considering getting the workbook, and I also want to read You Are the One.

I have always struggled with loneliness and it’s definitely hitting me now that I live alone again. I keep wanting to get on dating apps to have someone to talk to, but I don’t think I’m quite ready to actually date again, so I know it’s this lonely part that wants comfort and validation and just companionship. I’m focusing on my health, hanging with my girl friends, working on my hobbies, but I’m still just lonely.

Is this something I can work through on my own?

I’ve been doing IFS with a therapist for around 2,5 years now. In the beginning i felt a lot of urgency. i felt like i had to understand all my parts and how they worked. give them names, make a mindmap, identify everyone, etcetera. i binged on IFS podcasts, reading reddit, trying to figure out how to unburden.

what i didnt realize, is that i was completely blended with self-like parts and intellectual manager parts. my inner critic had learned IFS language. so not being in Self was a reason for feeling shame, or inferiority, that i wasn’t doing it right. then self-like parts stepped in, trying to be very self-y. hahah. how i look at it now: a teenager with a superman cape or a buddha costume, trying very hard to be loving. a parentified child, needing to save the world…

i dont know if ive unburdened anyone, let alone exiles. what i have been cultivating, is the spaciouss willingness, to sit with my protectors. not asking them to change their ways, but offering them recognition, understanding, gratitude, love. and the interesting thing is, that helps them already relax a bit. lower their guard. for me to see in how much pain and scarcity they are.

i still have self-like parts step in here, managers trying to DO love, haha. what i can now do, is see that. and thank them, for they’re trying so hard to be of service. its beautiful and tragic, bittersweet, and often brings me to tears. when i thank them, truly, not as a strategy, then they do relax, and i have contact once more with the more tender, younger part, a core exile i think. i then ask inwardly, would you like to be held? a sad yes bubbles up. i place a hand on my heart and belly, and what happens next is so wholesome: i feel as if i am 3 years old, resting my head on the lap of a parent figure (me). i feel held, met, recognized. then i start crying, but then: my protectors freak out. their perception still is that the grief and deprevation is a bottomless well. what helps, is to set a timer of 5 minutes for this. then my protectors know, that this isnt endless, its boundaried, its temporary.

there’s a curious thing that can happen in the name of love: a subtle violence, a subtle coercion. unconditional love, doesnt ask anything to be different than it is. it just wants to be with it, and wishes it peace (without expecting it to be peaceful!)

my buddhist practice has been of immense value to me. offering metta, or loving-kindness and allowing, to my parts. ‘’may you be at ease’’. but that only works if its said from a true place, that doesnt want any part to be different than it is. if i have an agenda, like ‘’im gonna wish you well, so that i can meet what youre protecting’’ then again, theres a subtle expectation, aka, a non-acceptance.

so, thank you for reading, hope some of this was useful. much love, much metta, happy healing <3

-jari

PS: yes, there are manager parts active while writing this post, performing recovery, hoping to get kudos and be told ‘’good boy’’: ‘’you succeed at the project of healing’’. haha. i like to think those needs for recognition are human, and that its okay to be where i am at. still performing, still needy for recognition. my inner child does not yet fully trust self as the source of safety, so i look for outside sources to affirm my worth. we are relational beings after all, i dont think that will ever change. maybe in a few years, ill be okay with getting no single upvote, no single ‘’this touched me, thank you’’. i think id still, even in a few years, would really like to hear my words resonate, but maybe the question ‘’am i worthy’’ wont fully hinge on receiving recognition, resonance.. will keep you posted.

PPS: the ego is inventive. i do notice it can even have the agenda to have no agenda. LOL, and make that into a new standard it needs to live up to.

PPPS: a friend shared this poem with me, when i shared about the ego hijacking the state of love and making it into an optimazition project:

“The roses under my window make no reference to former roses or better ones; they are what they are; they exist with God today. There is no time to them. There is simply the rose; it is perfect in every moment of its existence.”