u/Alternative-City-745

My wife and I are both in our early thirties and we are approaching that stage in our life where we are thinking about having kids. The problem is I find myself so confused in life, I thought I would be excited to have kids with her but instead I feel doubt in the future and my marriage.

I am so lost and confused with myself, I don't know if what I want in life has changed, if I even want kids or if it's that I am falling out of love with my partner and divorce is the only solution. I wrote down some of the potential red flags in regards to my partner.

1. She tells her family everything - even about our sex life

2. She has to have things her way - I moved to the area she wanted to move to, I got her the pet she wanted. Whenever I express what I want she makes me feel guilty until she gets her way.

3. She doesn't really ask about my day and rarely takes an interest in my life

4. She doesn't actively want to do anything, she just wants to stay at home

5. She is reluctant to go out to see my friends and family - she says its because she's introvert and she is shy with them. She has no interest in spending Christmas with my extended family because she doesn't know what to talk about with them and she feels like they judge her

6. She has certain opinions about people from a certain cultural background than her because of her experiences with that demographic at her work. She says she's joking when she talks about it but I don't know.

7. Sometimes if she's mad at me she will give me the silent treatment instead of talking about it

8. She often talks about how hard her life is and has a negative outlook on life despite her having a good life

The reason I married her and fell in love with her in the first place is because I have seen how caring and loving she is to her family and I can see the good in her. She really is so loyal and the ones she cares about is her world.

Do you think these feelings is what is contributing to this uncertainty that I am having? Do you think these are things I could get her to change about herself?

For those who were on the fence and got off, how did you make your final decision on whether to have kids or not?

I just can't make a decision and no matter how much I think about what I want, I can't decide because there's major reasons for both decisions.

For context, I am a male in my early thirties and my wife is also in her early thirties. I was recently diagnosed with inattentive type adhd.

I wrote down my reasoning and feelings for wanting kids and not wanting kids.

Reasons why I do want kids:

1. The thought of bringing a mini version of my wife and I brings warmth to my heart and soul that I can love and nurture and guide though life.

2. The happiness it would bring my wife - her dream is to have kids, she finds so much purpose in this and it is something she is so excited for. I could see myself maybe feeling this way one day too but I don't see myself feeling this way anytime soon.

3. The personal growth I would get from raising a child. I imagine I would become a stronger person out of it and maybe learn a lot about myself too through raising a child.

4. Its a deal breaker with my wife if I don't have kids, my marriage wouldn't last and I have a fear of what my life would be like on my own

Reasons why I don't want kids:

1. I struggle to focus on more than one thing in my life - I am worried currently at this stage in my life I won't be able to give the amount of love and attention a kid needs. I only want to be a father if I can be a hands on dad. 

2. I am worried I wont enjoy life anymore - I find whenever I have a lot going on in my life I become easily overwhelmed and I struggle to handle stress well. I also am very easily over stimulated. After work, all I want to do is go home into a quiet room and watch a movie or play a game. I even get overstimulated from our dog and I find our pets enough to handle.

3. Loss of freedom to do things - I still want to travel and see and do so many things, I want to be able to go out and pursue hobbies in my free time. I feel such joy knowing that I can go and do whatever activity I like without having to make plans

4. I find saving difficult as it is and it is just my wife and I, I'm worried about the pressures that will come with supporting an extra person.

5. I'm worried about the life the child would have in the future. I try to stay optimistic but it just feels like making a living is getting harder and harder and I would hate to think what it will be like for their generation.

Thanks for reading my long text. I'm so conflicted and I don't know what to do.

Honestly, I feel this internal pull towards not having children soon but we are in our early 30's and it's a deal breaker for her if we don't have them soon and I don't know how to live without my wife.