It doesn’t bother me that much to be a man… so why do I sometimes wish I were a woman?
Ever since I was little, I’ve been curious about “feminine” things, makeup, clothes, the female body, and what it would be like to be one I’d the girls. Unfortunately, at some point during my childhood, I was punished for wearing makeup while playing, and I grew up thinking that it wasn’t normal. Even so, I kept doing it in secret. I remember one time I found my aunt’s lingerie, put it on, and felt this intense sense of excitement. I don’t know… I think that somehow it eventually became a fetish for me.
To this day, I still dress as a woman in secret. But I’m no longer sure if it’s just a fetish, because sometimes I wish it didn’t have to be something I only did in private. There are moments when I look at women and wonder if I’d like to be one of them. I look at my own body and imagine what it would be like to have a more feminine figure and face and don’t look ridiculous in women clothes!
What makes everything confusing is that I can’t say I suffer because I’m a man. It doesn’t cause me a great deal of distress, although I can’t say I feel especially proud of being one either. Then there’s the fact that I’m not gay—I know for certain that I’m not attracted to men.
And, of course, there’s the fear of being judged and of how my family and the people around me would react if I ever came to the conclusion that I want to identify as a woman.
I don’t know what all of this means. I don’t know what I’m really feeling, how to approach it, or how to define it. Sometimes these feelings become overwhelming because I have no clarity, and I don’t know what steps I should