u/Alternative-Long1574

The post below about Sohla brought about some good discourse around what topics we consider to be fair game for snark. I think some great points were made, and some noted there are creators they feel they have to defend at times.

We see many creators behaving in similar ways, or in ways that are very clearly snarkable, but one person’s snark is another person’s preference to lay off creators.

Anyway, I thought it would be interesting to discuss. Mods delete if not a valid post!

Tl;dr: in love with my best friend, we have this big ol fallouts after getting too close because of his avoidance, and most recently, after becoming fwb, he’s discarded me and our friendship for a new social life which includes dating.

In a lot of ways, my situation doesn’t exactly mirror a typical anxious - and dismissive avoidant relationship, we’ve never dated, but have had periods of time where it sure feels like it.

We were/are close friends for 10 years. Started out as fwb when we were introduced. Saw other people for some time inbetween and since 2020, we’ve been close. He’s always kept me at arms length, stating the whole “just friends” thing, and as an anxiously attached person, what he did give had me always wondering and overthinking this relationship we had - and I have the awareness to admit that I made more out of many moments we had together.

Weve had these moments of closeness that have felt genuine, but nothing like some people state here. I feel torn between calling them a truly dismissive person and just coming to terms with the fact that maybe they just didn’t feel it as deeply.

This past fall, we started (upon his request) a physical relationship again. He said and I quote: if we can ever get to the point where hanging out and having a blast and fucking afterwards without all the negative fallback and drama that would be sweet”

We were intimate a couple of times, hung out lots and talked every day. Of course in hindsight the next move should have been to define those things and the relationship ahead.

Then, something spooked him, as has happened many times before and he discarded me. This cycle has happened before. We get too close and he completely bails and dismisses any comments I make about what we mean to each other. This time has been really difficult for a few reasons. First, because we started our physical relationship again for the first time in several years and I thought I was actually handling it really well and taking it slow and really enjoying myself. 8 months later and I still have no idea what happened other than what has typically happened in the past. What’s made it more hurtful is that this time around it’s really felt final, and now I’ve also lost a dear friend. He’s discarded me for other new friends and has been dating others. It feels like it hurts from all angles esp since I still see him as he’s part of my close knit friend group.

We don’t even really talk anymore and it hurts so much. And the friend group is like my family and I feel like I’d rather remain a part of it than not. But seeing him hurts and I’ve ended up seeing him a lot this summer. Even now we’ve had close moments where I feel the string between us. When we look each other in the eye…there’s always a glimmer. Like he’s staring right into my heart.

I am an extremely emotional, warm, open person who cares for my people dearly. He was drawn to that warmth for 10 years and was never able to look within to heal his trauma from childhood. His ego and self confidence hides his insecurities around not being able to express emotions or be emotionally available and I saw him in a way no one else did. I believe the way I am really allowed him to be vulnerable to the extent he could. My warmth drew him in and it’s what ultimately pushes him away.

He has refused to talk about any of it and just brushes it off often after saying vague and hurtful things. I obv won’t get into some of our convos but it’s been pretty hurtful and I feel like he’s just created a new life to move on and break the cycle between us. But when we see each other it’s like normal. Like we’re even driving up to our friend’s cottage together this weekend and will probably stop at some breweries etc.

The cycle wasn’t healthy for either of us, and it often made it so i had blinders on etc. i know it’s for the best but it hurts the way it happened and now what his life appears to be now. I believe he is seeing someone and i just simply cant bear to stay on that thought for more than a few moments.

Part of me hopes that we reconnect. I hope in my heart that I actually was someone he loved and cherished and is just was someone who didn’t care to change their life so they could live that truth.

I just miss my friend, man. We were so close. And knew so much about each other’s day to day. Now I just get snapshots of it whenever we hang out with our friend group and it feels unnatural to me but for him he really thinks he’s branched out and is flourishing without my presence. As I said earlier, part of me wants to think that he’s gone and made this new social life to deal with our situation getting so deep. But then I give my head a shake and remember the rocky 10 year long road we’ve had where he’s never committed, but has shown time after time that he cares deeply for me and that I mattered to him.

Those close to me know this story well. And some have been affected by the ups and downs of it. Often times I get moments of clarity where I’m like ok get a grip bitch lmao. I also want to honour my intuition, and my big ol dumb heart and I don’t know think I’ll ever stop believing that we should have at least given it a shot.