Humans can Sneeze
As requested, Enjoy
Jason and Braden stood near the back of the weekly productivity meeting at Galacticorp Substation 2, Manufacturing and Engineering Division. For the third week in a row, the Corporate Heads, and that’s exactly what they were: literal giant heads resting on floating tensor platforms that drifted lazily at the whim of their occupants—had delivered the same grim news.
"Productivity is simply too low," the lead Head droned, its voice echoing through the metallic hall. "Therefore, the promised corporate bonuses cannot be disbursed at this time."
Everyone in the room knew this was a blatant fabrication. In reality, productivity was hitting an all-time high, driven almost entirely by the facility's newest additions: human technicians. They weren't superheroes; they just had a cultural habit of working hard and a strict set of Interstellar Labor Laws ensuring they actually got paid for it.
Unable to contain his irritation, Jason leaned forward and executed a very old, very sacred human tradition. He let out a massive, booming fake sneeze:
"Aaa-bullshit!!"
The human contingent in the back row instantly disintegrated into muffled, shoulder-shaking laughter. The floating Heads paused, turning their massive craniums slightly, but ultimately ignored it. Jason had officially opened the floodgates of covert rebellion.
Later, during the shift break, a small crowd of alien workers gathered around the human charging station.
"What was that vocalization, Jason?" asked a tall, lanky Mintrous technician, twisting its many-jointed fingers nervously. "The 'bull-shit' sound? Was it a medical emergency?"
"Nah, just a sneeze," Braden chimed in, grinning. He leaned against a crate and explained the fine art of the fake sneeze. "See, humans have this involuntary biological reflex to clear our noses. But if you time it right, you can tuck a word inside it. If management calls you out, you just say, 'Sorry, I sneezed.' Plausible deniability. You get to speak your mind, but you don't get fired."
The alien workers blinked in collective fascination.
"An uncontrollable reflex..." murmured a Tristhala engineer, its translucent skin pulsing a dull blue. "Fascinating. We do not have noses, but we do have... rhythms."
As it turned out, nearly every species in the substation possessed some kind of involuntary biological quirk they usually tried to hide out of embarrassment. The Vrexy emitted silent, pressurized puffs of gas when startled; the Mintrous suffered from sudden hand spasms that forced their flexible fingers into bizarre geometric shapes; and the Tristhala randomly underwent rapid, erratic bursts of bioluminescence when stressed.
"Wait," Jason said, a slow, devious smile spreading across his face. "Can you guys fake those reflexes if you try?"
The aliens looked at each other. They had never considered it. To them, these quirks were private indignities, not tools of corporate warfare.
"I suppose..." the Vrexy technician offered, shifting its bulky weight. "And if I concentrated, I could alter the biochemical composition to... add a severe, lingering odor."
"I can flash in high-frequency, weaponized strobe patterns," the Tristhala added, its skin sparking with sudden excitement.
Braden slapped his knee. "Oh, next week's meeting is going to be beautiful."
When the next weekly meeting arrived, the atmosphere in the Manufacturing and Engineering division was electric. Every non-human worker had spent the week practicing their "sneezes."
The three Corporate Heads drifted to the front of the room, their tensor platforms humming softly. The lead Head cleared its throat—a wet, mechanical sound.
"Regrettably," the Head began, looking thoroughly un-regretful, "bonuses cannot be paid out until productivity is raised. I am truly sorry. Perhaps next week—"
The Head never finished the sentence.
The room erupted into an absolute nightmare of coordinated biological defiance. The Vrexy unleashed a coordinated, deafening volley of gaseous explosions that instantly filled the room with a horrific stench of rotting sulfur. The Mintrous threw up their hands, their fingers twisting into a dense forest of incredibly offensive, universally understood hand gestures. And the Tristhala collective began flashing in blinding, erratic, deeply unsettling bursts of crimson and neon green light.
Right in the center of it all, the humans bellowed a perfectly synchronized, thunderous chorus of "Aaa-BULLSHIT!"
The sensory onslaught was immediate and devastating. The lead Head panicked, its tensor platform pitching violently to the side. It lost control, tipped over, and the giant Head fell right off its mount, starting to roll helplessly down the center aisle like a massive bowling ball. The other two Heads, gripped by pure, unadulterated terror, slammed their platforms into maximum overdrive and "ran" out of the room, zipping through the automatic doors at top speed.
As the room cleared of smoke, smell, and corporate middle management, Jason looked at Braden through the lingering haze.
"Yeah," Jason laughed, wiping a tear from his eye. "We're definitely getting those bonuses next week."