[37M] with [32F] - Need Support and Advice
I think I know the answer but it is always difficult to take the leap of faith into the void of starting your life agai.
By way of background, we have been together for 10 years as a couple, with three kids. Stepchild 8, two of our own, 3 and 4.
In July 2025 we finally decided that we should be more than just a couple with different last names and that getting engaged and then married would reaffirm my commitment and dedication. There were some suggestions that [32F] also wanted this and wanted to feel like a unit for the kids. Proposal took 6 months to plan, a custom 3.2 carrot ring and a week in Disney without the Kids. Disney has always been our ‘special place’.
Two weeks after getting back a colleague who works in the same office building as [32F] told me that she had been very friendly and flirty with another man at work foe
r the last 4 months. Often going into each other offices, chatting in the morning, chatting in the coffee room on way to car after work etc. Lots of laughing and joking. I trust the colleague as known for years.
I gently confronted the issue but was gaslit and told there was nothing, told I was being insecure, made to feel crazy etc. I let this go on for a few weeks until I gathered some evidence and then went full Sherlock Holmes. This included evidence of messaging that the same colleague told me about. [32F] initially denied messaging until I called out the exact program they were using then she suddenly recalled messaging. Messages were lots of smiley and winking faces. Some of the more impactful messages were [32F] telling this man how happy she was to be back on the first day back following the engagement, followed by a smiley face and asking him if he was in the same building as she was. No mentioned of getting engaged. There was also a message in September when this male asked her to go for a drive him with him to collect an office package – message was ended with a smiley face and [32F] agreed also with a smiley face. At the time I was aware of the trip but I was told that her supervisor made her go for training reasons.
Following the ‘bust up’ or ‘shake down’ if it were – which went on for 3-4 weeks with increased information coming to light each week, [32F] admitted to an “emotional affair” and was remorseful stating she did not realise how much I did and did not appreciate me. She stated she wanted noting in the world but to be with me and this was a silly mistake. Begging me for forgiveness. She stated nothing physical happened but said she had 1 fleeting fantasy of getting railed over an office desk by this male.
We attended counselling. However, the story gets more interesting.
Around week 3 of the ‘bust up’ [32F] reported that an instructor in the gym had taken a video of her during a gym class hat he teaches. At the time she said this felt weird. She later added him to Instagram to see if he posted this online. A few days after I questioned [32F] and she admitted that he had sent her the video – she said she forgot to tell me at the time. She replied with a comment and some smily faces. Since then, she has spoken to this person – what she says is 1-2 sentences before the weekly gym class.
Two weeks ago, this person messaged her on Instagram which she told me upfront about as her new thing was to be open and honest. I asked if there were any smiley faces – as a joke more than anything. [32F] denied this. Later she revealed there were smiley faces and he was signing off his messages with an X.
That brings us to Friday. [32F] attended the gym class and this person – allegedly without asking her – took videos of her again on his phone and then posted them on Instagram and tagged her in. There were 16 females in this gym class but she was the only one who was filmed and posted. An instructor who I was chatting to saw me looking at the posted video, (I don’t think knows my relation to [32F]), and said this instructor said she was flirty and he could “bag her if he wanted”.
I confronted [32F] about and the video an comments. The first video she told me she felt very uncomfortable however, with this latest event she spent an hour justifying why there was nothing wrong with it, why it was not weird, why she had done nothing wrong, why she could see no problems with a ‘lad making a silly comment’, why he has done nothing wrong. Rather than defend our relationship or me she defended her actions and this instructor.
I must admit I am in a bit of shock and trying to process everything. My brain is in overdrive – surprised I don’t have steam coming from ears.
What do others think of all of this and what would you do in my situation?