u/Altnotmain4762

Background:I'm 17(ftM) and I have a severed relationship with all of my immediate family. I went through depression and su\*cidal ideation in my earlier years, I begged for help and was told no. I attempted several times but I am, I'd say fortunately now, still alive. My family's disregard for my health and blatant ignorance (there was an instance where a family member saw the knot of the rope I tied to h\*ng myself and they just looked at it and left me to it to go on. I did, but it eventually broke and I woke up the next morning) is the reason I would not anymore consider them family.

I have learnt to endure the suffering that made me depressed in the first place, to the point where I would no longer consider su\*cide even a remote possibility. I am only surviving with hope for the future. I no longer S\*H, have breakdowns (except today) or experience su\*cidal ideation. I wanted to make that clear so you can tell that this isn't a crisis that needs intervention (also so I can avoid being told hotlines and organisations, which are very important but entirely useless to me, since this is not an emergency crisis. I've never posted on this sub before so I'm not entirely sure if this is usual but I would like to avoid it entirely.)

I felt the need to have a real person read how I'm feeling for once. I do not share this with friends anymore (I have been responsible for someone else's mental health before and it is truly draining) and I just want to be heard. Also I'm sorry for the weird censoring, I hope it's understandable to read.

That's all background. It's kinda hard to have good writing form while balling your eyes out, sorry for dwelling. That's all to say, it's the first time in years I've felt so distressed. I was out with my mother for a night out (cinema, food, etc) and I let her get close to me (mentally speaking) for the first time in years. I try to avoid this as much as I can but I feel guilt. Going out was okay but this morning she found an opportunity and groped my chest. I've been crying for a while and I just feel so stupid for letting this happen again. It feels like a violation and it's left me feeling gross and wanting to vomit. It just really feels horrible and, despite believing in nothing, I'm really stuck wondering what I did to deserve to feel like this.

Thank you for reading through this. I really have no one to go to. I'm sorry if this isn't the appropriate sub, I tried r/vent but I only lurk and have no karma in any account

Hello to you all, I am unfamiliar with this sub and generally have never posted on Reddit before, but I need help. English is not my first language, so bear with me please.

The situation is: I (teenM), my best friend (teenF) and her mother went out for fun, came back and her mum brought certain foods to treat me to (i.e. butter cookies). I myself did not end up eating. I didn't have a specific reason other than wanting to eat at home instead.

I also believe it's relevant to add that I am an overweight person and largely unamused by certain beauty standards, which is to say, I don't tend to look anywhere near conventionally (or "thin") attractive, therefore I am not viable "competition" for her disorder.

Back to the situation: She ended up eating the cookies and wanting to vomit, but she couldn't do so with me in the house. She asked me to leave (which she considered "falling extremely low" for her) and I refused. Or more so, stalled on contacting my ride home. She offered to have her mum drive me home, I said no and we went back and forth for a while. I wouldn't call it a fight, but I know I exhausted her mentally. I did eventually call my mum and go home but she had said it was too late to complete her ritual (As in, she had already digested the food) and she did decide to stay "mad" at me for ruining her weekend plans (Going out with friends, to the beach and staying over at her boyfriend's about 5 days later). She also insinuated that she may start lying to me about feeling better to keep me off her ("I should've never opened my mouth and told you about this")

I know that I did not handle the situation with grace but I am not knowledgeable at all on eating disorders or bulimia specifically and was forced to make a split second decision on how to deal with it. Her mother is aware and has not gotten her professional help, which is, to an extent, unavailable for people that are not in danger of death in the near future (to put it bluntly) and extremely stigmatized. We are both teenagers and it's already hard to deal with one's own mental health, so supporting a person who is going through this, especially when you lack the power to actually access professional help for others, feels impossible. I do not believe she would follow through with lying to me about it, but it does worry me. I do not want her to push me out and I love her dearly.

I am open to criticism (though please try to phrase it in a firstly honest and secondly kind way) and I am in dire need of direction on how to go about this. I would specifically like advice on how to deal with reassurance seeking, how to deal with a similar situation in the future and whether leaving it alone would ever be a good idea. One last thing, please let me note if this post is triggering or inappropriate for this sub in some way

TLDR: I made my bulimic friend skip a vomiting ritual and I am conflicted about the impact of my actions - in need of advice on how to deal with it moving forward