At a loss with what to do
I'm not sure if I'm writing here for some advice or clarity but it has all gone to ruin. I'm (M20) turning 21 and my gf or I guess my ex now is (F19). I speak to others and they often say that I'm young and things will change, I'll meet new people, I'll find someone who can treat me better. But that person isn't her and I can't continue life knowing it isn't them. I'll walk you through my feelings.
My ex, I'll call her Veronica for the story. We met almost 6-7? years ago and bonded through a mutual friend, albeit, it was online and I didn't have many friends in real life as my previous friend group had dropped me during puberty. My upbringing as a person has been complete chaos and nothing but abuse so having friends online felt like an escape. We bonded over the fact that our home lives weren't the best and we were also both lying about our ages to our friends which gave us a small secret that led to something more interesting. I'll admit due to the age gap at the time. I didn't take things too seriously as that wasn't my mentality at the time but she had the biggest crush on me. Things ultimately didn't work out due to the age gap but because at the time I had prioritized friends over relationships. I went onto dating my ex who I will call Holly. Holly was a horrible person who did nothing but remind me that meeting people online could not deny reality and that it was an extremely cruel place. I dated her for around three years and it was the worst time of my life. She was extremely cruel and would constantly manipulate me emotionally which led to a lot of insecurities building up over the years and not only that but she inherently brought me down with her which made me emotionally numb as a person. At this same time, Veronica had moved onto a guy that goes to her school because things didn't work out with us but she still had an attachment with me.
Our relationships fell apart at a similar time, both dealing with mentally abusive and for her physically abusive partners. I had moved states to live closer to Holly but once we broke up I was in a state without anyone as she had ruined all of my personal and online friendships by this time. I'm not sure if it were by fate or a cruel joke but Veronica had also moved states but to get away from her ex and she had sent me a friend request online around the time things had reached the climax with Holly. She helped me throughout the entire time, I was cruel to her and I couldn't stop it. My perspective of relationships at that time were purely sexual and built on flirting and so she would often flirt or things of that nature in order to get attention from me. One night I couldn't handle the torment from Holly and attempted to take my life but she was there to call the cops. I had reached an all time bottom and she stayed with me through it all. After a few months we ended up getting together, her constant presence helped with the loneliness but I had trouble with feeling emotions. She would ask me to comfort her and I wasn't sure how as I have never been comforted by anyone except her and I was overall distant and pulled away frequently. I forgot to mention that both her and I suffer from severe depression and so we both had things we needed help for but went through it together.
Around this time it was christmas and she had made a personalized box full of things that I liked and it was honestly the nicest thing anyone had ever done for me. It meant a lot and something within me felt like it was love. For the first time in my life i felt loved, not out of family relationships but love from someone who wanted to spend their time with me. Our relationship improved as my mental health improved but hers ultimately got worse due to my own negligance at the time. But we had grown older and decided we would meet and turn our 'Online Relationship' into something more meaningful. I can't remember if it were before or after we met but I bought her a promise ring and it was something she treasured immensely. Over the next two years we met frequently and our relationship improved. We were convinced we were going to marry as I was once again planning to move to her school and build something together as we felt we had not only known each other for long but the commitments, the intimacy that was shared, and the love that was given. We considered each other fiances as we were set on marrying not soon but within the next 3-5 years. I'm skipping a lot of content but it was honestly the best motivation for the both of us to improve our lives. Then. She made older friends with a couple of college friends. It changed her a bit. She began to go to clubs, drugs, etc just spending more time with them and looking back this was when i realized we were no longer friends but simply a relationship.
She was also becoming more rude to me, not purely out of how I acted in the past but the trauma from her ex alongside her familial issues. I honestly only did my best to provide love and comfort, constantly showing my growth from the past that I am not the immature and hurt person from the past. And she trusted me more than anyone else in her life and that as of now is still currently the case. One thing led to another and the time we spent together lessened as she ignored her mental health, diving into friendships in order to distract herself and when I planned visiting her for my birthday things had changed. She felt tired of life itself, not just me but everyone and everything . She tried to cut it off out of frustration and I ultimately disagreed as it was very similar to how i felt at the start when she was there for me I wanted to do the same. I knew I couldnt cure or change anything but if she werent confiding in anyone and ignoring everything. I was sure she was bound to attempt again and I didn't want to leave her side. We argued a bit, her reasoning for breaking up going from the slight resentment towards me from the past, I'm too nice to her considering the things she has done (which was ignoring me while hanging out with her friends), and she just wanted to stop living as a whole and didnt want to drag me down with her.
Ah right, One thing I forgot to mention that is important is that there was a time a few weeks ago when I mentioned I found a place within my budget near her and she responded with "That's so good, me and my friends are thinking of living together." I felt a little upset due to the ignoring she was doing and that she ultimately was planning on living with them on the reasons of "It's cheap and close to my school" and so I responded with Oh okay if its those reasons solely don't you think we could potentially find something together? She snapped. She told me that she wasn't sure of what she wanted as she was still young and I understood entirely. The budget that went to the future ring, I decided to just buy her a necklace instead willing to take time with it as it was the only functional thing I had in my life. For the last few weeks her mentality decreased and the reasonings for breaking up repeated. There was one day and one thing that changed her mentality slightly. She had spoken to one of her friends and they told her a story of how she and a guy she liked were together, took a break, he passed, and she wished she could take back that time. This alongside with not begging but just simply wanting to provide supprot led her to stop trying to cut me off. We were in a weird state not together but also doing all the things we did when we were. She temporarily tried to cut things off once more after this and it shut down pretty quickly when I reminded her that I don't want to jump back into dating and I just wanted to be in her life and she ultimately still wanted to be in mine. So with a bit of reassurance things were and have been fine.
These past 1 1/2 months have been focused on her and for me. My plans have changed, I needed to move out and she advised me to live near her and now that was something that could likely never happen. I had given everything to her, my virginity, my love, my affection, everything I was capable of and I was saving those things solely for the person i was going to marry and she knew these things too. The amount of self confidence she gave me, I only had because it was her, If I were to just 'move on' like she tried to force me to. I was sure it would just be filled with pain. We talked very recently and she asked how I was feeling and I was pretty honest with her. She told me that a large part of why she wanted to cut me off is because things were moving too fast for her, she had only become an adult almost 2 years ago and wants to experience life. I could've argued but it was ultimately how she felt and I couldn't change that. She didn't want to move onto anyone else but just. I'm not sure? Experience life? She told me she still cares and potentially in the future we could try again when her mentality is better but she didn't want to also lose me as a person. I trust her entirely. She wasn't saying these things to talk to other men or any insecurity that built in my head. I knew her personally, able to tell moods purely off the tone of her voice and she was sincere. I reminded her that if we both wanted to improve that we would need to be mature about things. No contact and things like that when we have been so close to each other for so long simply weren't possible, she let me in and told me she wouldn't mind me giving her resources to help with her mentality and in the future we could have a talk about our future together.
I feel content about my relationship with her but, I miss her so much. We talk so much less, and honestly right before this happened we were together for a month straight. She held me and cried, telling me she wanted me to go home with her and I was the love of her life. I truly felt as though the distance was apart of the issue which is why we planned on the move but I don't know. I just feel so empty, everything I did was with her. The foods I enjoy, the bed I sleep in, the music I listen to, the games I play. All of it reminds me of her. I see her posting on social media, smiling, yeah shes happy but she has told me that the happiness she feels when shes out is temporary and then shes brought back to her life. I understand this and I just wasn't expecting any of this as she has showed so much care the entire time. Once again I left a lot of things out but we've always been close and chose each other when it mattered. She has a lot of behavior that aligns with BPD, I'm not self diagnosing her or anything but when I brought it up to her, potentially to test or explore if this were something. Or simply just providing resources to give her the help she wants. I just feel discarded. We spent time together on occasion, very friendly but, I miss being with her, knowing that she is thinking of me and vise versa. To me she is the best thing that has happened in my horrible life and I can't let her go. I've also realized that I'm staying in contact for selfish reasons as well, I try so hard all of the time for her and give her everything she has ever wanted. I'm definitely the closest person to her emotionally and she has made that known. I feel like there is a highly likely chance that one day maybe she will realize what she has tried to throw away and what it could have been and just maybe. We could work things out as I truly only do my best and whats right by her.