I was doing very good until today. I was hit with very strong urges and I almost relapsed. Before I failed I turned it all off but I won’t lie I did see a lot. Should I reset? I don’t plan to look or break again and I’m trying to move past this as a learning and discipline building moment.
What do you guys think?
It’s been a long while since iv gone so long with so much strength. Usually by day 6 I’m clambering for that next hit from a relapse. But not today.
Iv started trying to make a new habit. Each day I’m trying to make a new reason I want to quit, usually just before I go sleep as the nights are dangerous.
Yesterday my reason was that I have a one year old nephew who I want to be a good role model for, and I can’t be that and I can’t guide him when he grows up if I’m not the man I want to be and this basically made all urges disappear as no relapse was worth not becoming that man.
Today’s reason is that this habit, this weakness….is just strange. Like Imagine what you look like in third person when you’re relapsing….dark room, bright phone, an unrealistic girl getting railed by an unrealistic guy and you’re just watching like some digital cuck? Isn’t that strange? It’s disgusting that I have a super computer in my hand and it’s become a portable cuck chair.
Ladies and gents. Let’s become better then this terrible habit.
Today has been a tough day. I came close multiple times to relapsing. However midway through the day I decided I’d try note down atleast one new reason why I’m quitting every day (I’m sure I can find 1000 reasons to cover the next few years).
After dwelling on it for a few seconds a thought came to me. I have a little nephew. He’s only 1 now but time goes quick and he’ll be growing. I want to be a good role model for my nephew and guide him to being a good man and I realised that I cannot do that without first becoming the man I want to be. After this realisation I haven’t had really any desire to relapse. Like sure I have urges and I feel restless but every time my hand moves to search something I just think what could I possibly watch that trumps becoming the uncle I need to be?
I think it’s important that we constantly remind our self why we’re doing this and constantly add new reasons to the list. I pray that all of you who read this become good men and woman, and that one day we will guide the next generation the way we wish we had been guided against this addiction.
For the first time in a long while the first day has been strong. I have failed so many times before that I feel like it has kindled I fire in me.
The night was hard, not because of urges but because I realised my mind would out of habit play pornographic stuff to my self which i spent a lot of the night actively silencing as im sick of this.
I never realised it before but I think in the past playing such things to my self helped me to get to sleep and because I spent time silencing it my mind didn’t know what to fall to sleep to. I think however that such thinking in the night always left me vulnerable in the morning but because I silenced it I was much stronger in the morning and from there the rest of the day.
Other than this I have had a strong start. I have also included dzikr into my pray so that I spend more time in a slowed meditative state which I think helps.
Please pray that I may have this strength going forward.
Im tired of the cycle.
I’m tired of starting, doing well and then failing and then falling into days of multiple relapses.
I’m tired of promising God that I will not fail and then failing.
I’m tired of having to do ghusl multiple times a day and feeling the shame, guilt and fear that someone might catch out why I’m using the shower multiple times a day.
But I am not giving up. Just last month I went 21 days without falling to this. And the month prior I went 20 days. I may fail my promise to god over and over but I know as long as I keep trying, as long as I continue this war then Allah will always bless me.
For the brothers who have been successful, please share your success stories. And please share all the benefits you have experienced, physically, mentally and spiritually. And please wish me luck on day one tomorrow.