u/AltruisticFeed8290

It’s comical at this point how unfortunate my experiences with friendship has been. I’m genuinely not exaggerating the title at all 😭 we had plans to hang out too and it’s just been radio silence. WELP. Looks like I’ll just be enjoying my day off instead.

This is all incredibly frustrating to deal with continuously but even being upset about it feels pointless too. I’m truly convinced that I’m not even seen as a real person to people, just a placeholder in a human meatsuit and nothing else. Thankfully, I’m at the point where I prefer to be alone so I’m not overly shaken by this, nor surprised, it’s just always wild when my suspicions are actually confirmed.

The guy I’m dating is letting me pick the restaurant again, so I’m trying to be different from last time (italian restaurant) but I also don’t want to eat a burger in front of him (too messy) so I’m scrolling on social media for local restaurants and the options I’m seeing have only left me even more baffled.

I find a place that is inexpensive with good ambiance, only to discover that the food options look repulsive. I genuinely can’t even decipher what I’m looking at half the time. This would be expected from fancier upscale restaurants, but I’m keeping my search reasonable here and I’m still struggling! I’m trying to find a place that has a wide enough range of options that I can still order my pasta but he can get something else if he wants.

It should not be this hard 😢 so frustrating.

It’s funny because on one hand, I wouldn’t want to text everyday; it would begin to feel like a chore and drain the introvert in me. On the other hand, though, my brain is constantly churning and there is no “off” switch.

When I say I don’t have it in me to care, I mean care about her leaving. This pattern is exhausting and it makes me angry but I’m not going to ask if I did something or try to win her over. I’ve dealt with this cycle over and over again with people and I don’t have any fight left in me. I’m done seeking any new friendships bc I’m just gonna drive myself crazy if I continue. I’ve practically been alone for most of my life but I need to learn how to just sit with that feeling and be fine with doing things alone.

Exam tomorrow morning. Working the whole weekend. Exams next week. Finals week is just around the corner. Car insurance due. Summer classes starting.

I miss crying. I feel like my medication makes it hard to cry, if I do cry it’s very short and unsatisfying

My attachment issues have lingered through it all but I feel like I haven’t had a true fp in a while. I feel like I just haven’t had a close friend in a while. But oh wow. I’m constantly feeling like she doesn’t like me anymore if she doesn’t reply for a while. Stalking her socials when she doesn’t reply to try to gauge if she’s genuinely ignoring me or if she is just busy. The insatiable urge to double text to keep the conversation going because I can’t stand when the convos run dry. When I fear that she doesn’t like me (not replying fast enough for my brains liking) I genuinely get suicidal and want to go back to the mental hospital. This is honestly embarrassing.

It’s also so weird because of how long it’s been since I’ve had this. Like I feel this way to a certain degree with everyone so it’s not like they’re ‘new’ feelings, but the way the dial is up with her is something different, I can tell the difference. The desperate urge to prove my worth is far stronger with a fp than anyone else. I think with others it’s easier for me to split due to these feelings and just shut down but with a fp, I still split a lot but the desperation and anxious attachment is so loud. I feel like I haven’t had a fp in years because I’ve just been so lonely that I haven’t had many friends at all so the opportunity hardly even presents itself. So it’s just wild to see how these feelings come rushing back after all this time. They never went away, they were only hidden. My therapist is great and all but there are certain aspects to this that I just really struggle to open up to him about.