Rejection Hurt Extra Today
So I'm in college and I usually sit at the disabled table. This in and of itself I already feel like a fraud because my issues aren't that severe. I can still walk, I just can't walk very far, have a lot of back pain, and a lot of chronic fatigue. I'm also morbidly obese which always makes me question if I'm actually disabled or just fat but that's a whole other can of insecurity worms.
It's also the only disabled designated table in the whole dining hall which I didn't know. One time I was sitting there and one girl in a wheelchair A came up and didn't want to socialize so she went somewhere else. I only learned that it was the only table later and profusely apologized because I would have moved. (Mind you, you can still sit at the other tables, this is just the only designated one)
Anyways, so today I was sitting at the table and a group of the disabled people I usually chat with walked by and I started having a conversation. Side note, most if not all of these people are new here. I knew one at my CC and the other I met at orientation and we talked the other day. They then went and sat at one of the bigger tables cause they had more people. I asked if I could move over and join them and they said yes.
So I gathered up my food and stuff and walked over to the other table. Instantly A stops talking and has a look I can't really identify. I sit down next to her (the only seat) and she says she isn't feeling well and doesn't want to socialize and is going to leave. It was very clear that it was because of me. I straight up ask her if she wants me to go and she nods. So I do. I went back to the other table and sat by myself.
Nobody said anything. Nobody came and joined me. I just sat at my table by myself and cried. Meanwhile A is chatting with the other people at the table. She just didn't want to talk to me specifically because, from what I gathered, she doesn't know me.
I know that I have a very polarizing personality. I am extremely talkative and tend to interrupt people when I get excited. I know I can be really overwhelming to some people. But for some reason, this time it just hurt so much more. I don't know if it's because it was rejection from "my own" (ie other disabled/neurodivergent people), the fact that none of them said anything or joined me, or that I wanted to be friends with A cause I thought she was cool. It just... it hurt so bad. It just hit different.
Also I had just finished up training to do the school's access vans as my job and was so excited to talk about it with the people who would be actively affected by it. I wanted to ask for feedback and what I can do to make it a good experience for them. I know a lot of times they get treated shitty so I wanted to do right by them.
I was so excited and it just... I don't understand. Why am I always rejected by every friend group. I'm always the third wheel. The outsider. The pity invite. The backup friend. Always.