u/Amazing-Morning4281

I’m 23, international student from South India, been here in Melbourne for over an year now. I’m down low. Not by choice, really. I tried coming out to one friend someone I’d known for years, thought would get me. They completely flipped. Haven’t talked since. That kinda sealed it for me. So yeah, I’m careful now.

Somehow I still convinced myself to put my face on Grindr, Hinge, whatever. Took months to work up the courage to even do that. Thought maybe if I’m upfront, people will be too.

They are. Just not in the way I hoped.

First it’s the bios: “only Asians” and when I text thinking that India is a part of Asia or so was the geography that was taught to me and they reply “Dude I’m only into Asian”, “no Indians,”“locals preferred.” Like I’m reading the rules to a game I’m not allowed to play. I leave my face up anyway because hiding feels worse. But I still don’t tell anyone irl. So I’m stuck in this weird middle visible online, invisible everywhere else.

And when it’s not racism bingo, it’s just “host?” at midnight from faceless profiles. I know these apps are mostly/meant for hookups. I’m not clueless. But I didn’t think “connection” would mean sending nudes before someone asks my name.

I’m shy. I overthink every message. I delete the apps, then redownload them a week later because the silence in my dorm is louder. Part of me wants to meet someone. Part of me is terrified I’m not cut out for how fast, cold, and brutal this is especially when I can’t even be fully open about who I am.

I’m not asking for a fairytale. I just didn’t think I’d feel more alone after trying to put myself out there.

To other down low guys, shy POC, international students how do you even do this? Does it get less soul-crushing? Do you just grow thicker skin, lower your standards, or is there actually a way to date without feeling like shit about yourself?

Not looking for pity. Just… tell me I’m not the only one stuck between being visible and invisible at the same time.
Did anyone actually figure this out without losing their mind?

Throwaway because… obvious reasons.

I’m 23, international student from South India, been here in Melbourne for over an year now. I’m down low. Not by choice, really. I tried coming out to one friend someone I’d known for years, thought would get me. They completely flipped. Haven’t talked since. That kinda sealed it for me. So yeah, I’m careful now.

Somehow I still convinced myself to put my face on Grindr, Hinge, whatever. Took months to work up the courage to even do that. Thought maybe if I’m upfront, people will be too.

They are. Just not in the way I hoped.

First it’s the bios: “only Asians” and when I text thinking that India is a part of Asia or so was the geography that was taught to me and they reply “Dude I’m only into Asian”, “no Indians,”“locals preferred.” Like I’m reading the rules to a game I’m not allowed to play. I leave my face up anyway because hiding feels worse. But I still don’t tell anyone irl. So I’m stuck in this weird middle visible online, invisible everywhere else.

And when it’s not racism bingo, it’s just “host?” at midnight from faceless profiles. I know these apps are mostly/meant for hookups. I’m not clueless. But I didn’t think “connection” would mean sending nudes before someone asks my name.

I’m shy. I overthink every message. I delete the apps, then redownload them a week later because the silence in my dorm is louder. Part of me wants to meet someone. Part of me is terrified I’m not cut out for how fast, cold, and brutal this is especially when I can’t even be fully open about who I am.

I’m not asking for a fairytale. I just didn’t think I’d feel more alone after trying to put myself out there.

To other down low guys, shy POC, international students — how do you even do this? Does it get less soul-crushing? Do you just grow thicker skin, lower your standards, or is there actually a way to date without feeling like shit about yourself?

Not looking for pity. Just… tell me I’m not the only one stuck between being visible and invisible at the same time.
Did anyone actually figure this out without losing their mind?