u/Amazing-Piano3748

I think the hardest part is that nothing about us ever felt temporary.

You felt like home to me in the quietest ways. Late night walks, pointless drives, cookig together, your hand in mine… three small squeezes that said “I love you” without either of us needing words. Tap, tap, tap.

I told myself distance was the problem, but really, I think I was just scared of loving someone so deeply and having the power to lose them. So sometimes I said stupid things, acted detached, pretended I wanted things that never actually compared to what I already had with you. Maybe it was fear. Maybe it was self destruction. But none of it came close to the truth, which was always you.

I loved you enough to cross 5,000 miles just to be beside you. Enough to stay through the nights where your pain felt heavier than the world. Enough to hold the parts of you that thought they were too damaged to be loved. I saw every fragile part of you and never once thought you were hard to love. And that’s why I’d do anything to love you again.

And the truth is, there were things that hurt me too. Things I forgave because losing you always felt scarier than carrying the pain. Maybe that wasn’t healthy and love made me blind sometimes. But I loved you with my whole heart anyway.

And even now, there’s no anger in me. Just grief.

Because somehow the person who made life feel the most alive is now the same person I struggle to exist without.

Maybe love isn’t always meant to stay forever to be real… some people just leave permanent fingerprints on your soul.

You left them on mine.

And every night, when the world goes quiet, I genuinely don’t know how I’m supposed to carry the weight of missing you for the rest of my life when I was so easy to forget.

I've felt a deep emptiness ever since my relationship ended. It’s been 5 months.

I can no longer find joy in things, I haven't eaten much since the day I let her walk out of my life. I haven't been able to sleep either. I’ve lost all my weight and I can now see my ribs. I ruined everything with the person I loved most and still love.

I wish things could go back to the way they were before. I wish I could go back in time and do everything differently. I don't think there's been a single day since our breakup that I haven't cried all day in bed, and I'm someone who previously had a lot of difficulty crying or feeling deeply. I’m a different person.

And with each passing day, things get worse. I already made a (very) weak attempt at taking my life months back. Sometimes all I want to do is cut a hole in my chest and rip my heart out with my bare hands. I have support, therapy and have tried meds but it just isn’t enough to fill this void in my heart and soul.

No matter how much time passes, I will never forgive myself for losing her. She asks why I can’t just accept it and detach, but I can’t detach from the one person who brought colour into my world and made me feel at peace in my own skin. I lost her due to cowardice and blatant immaturity, not because I didn’t love her. We were so in love and just at peace in eachother’s presence. My best friend in the whole world. She was the only one who ever understood me.

I don't want anyone else. I promised her and myself countless times that I would be hers since deep self reflection… one and done. Only hers and no one else's. Even if she doesn't want me anymore, I will never break my promise. How can I when I think about her all day and dream about her every night…

I tried dating other women, but I just break it off every time after a few weeks. Just kissing them makes me nauseous. I refuse to be intimate with another woman beyond that. I have turned down every opportunity because she is my first and only and I no longer have any desire if it is not her. It’s not the same and it never will be close. In every woman I meet, I look for her. The glimmer in her eye is something I cannot erase from my mind. I just wish I wasn’t too scared of being emotionally vulnerable and showing the depth of my love when it mattered.

I will die knowing that she will be the most incredible, special and important person I have ever known. I confess that I can't help but see her in absolutely everything I do. I constantly want to text her, I want to talk to her but I’m not allowed to. I miss her so much. I don't see any way to be happy after this.

I swear I can't take it anymore. It hurts too much. I feel like a monster, I feel unhappy without her, I feel like an idiot. She's the love of my life but I just had no idea what I was doing. I took it for granted. I had happiness in my hands and I let it slip away. I hurt the most important person in my life and now I’m alone, laying in this bed of knives I have created. A bed that is so empty without her in it.

My love language was spending quality time with her, but I wish I bought her flowers more, made more handmade gifts and showed more affection in public. I don’t know what was wrong with me, I just had never been loved before and witnessed a weak relationship growing up. My parents never married so I was scared of taking that step.

Almost every day I go to the duck pond near my house and sit there in a sickening silence that used to be filled by her joy. I can still hear her happy noises and squeals looking at the ducks and saying it was us. One of a thousand amazing memories that now haunt me and cause endless pain. It’s the little moments that make it impossible for me to say goodbye.

I can't stand trying to pretend I'm okay for people anymore and failing miserably. Nothing makes me feel alive. I think I've never been this mentally unwell in my entire life. I wish I could apologise to her, I already did, but it's not enough. What I would give to hold her one more time. I sit there all day wondering how I was so easy to forget and remove from her life. I hate myself for being so easy to replace.

I wish there was some way to show it through actions, but I don't think it’s possible to ever clean up this mess I’ve made. I want to make her happy but she is happier without me, so I have to let her be and just accept my fate. I wanted to fulfill all the plans we had together and build a proper life with real goals. I’ve listened and changed all the things I did wrong but I’m just not enough anymore. I hate myself so much for all of this. I just wanted a chance to fix the list of things wrong with me and do better. Nothing is more worth it in my eyes.

The only feelings I've had since that day are guilt, regret and sadness. Nothing else. I still can't believe it happened and I let distance play on my mind enough to convince myself it was right and split us apart forever. I was beginning to thrive in life and now I’m in a pit so deep I don’t see a way out of it.

I love her so much. A life with her as a memory is not worth living for me. 4 years turned to dust.