u/Amazing_Matter_5828

I am in my mid-twenties. I live alone, I work, I pay my own bills, and I have been refusing to travel with my family for over two years now. The last time we went on a family trip together was very stressful for me, so while I love them, I prefer to keep some distance. I did visit my parents last year, but I didn’t go on their vacation to New York. I said I didn’t have money and that I was still paying for school. They offered to pay for the trip, but I said no because I like being financially independent. (I actually did have money; I just didn’t want to travel with them and my brother.) I like spending time with them separately, but not all together.

Eventually, I went to LA at the end of last year, and because it was a last-minute trip, they didn’t come along. (I didn’t invite them.) However, when I mentioned I was going to LA, they kind of invited themselves, but then realized it would be too expensive for a three-day trip.

So this year, I decided I wanted to go to New York by myself during the first week of January. I felt like I had to mention it to my brother because he is always inviting me to New York, and I always say no because I’m not a big fan of traveling with him, or even being out with him in general. I do have a list in my head of things I like to do with him and that I feel are “safe.”

You see, I think my brother is on the spectrum. He travels alone all the time and does just fine. He is very kind, but he does not perceive things the same way I do, and he can get very frustrated if things do not go according to his plan. He can be a little — or a lot — inflexible, and he is always more concerned about other people than himself or his family. He is very particular: he only wants to walk on one side of the street, and if someone is with him, we have to follow him because if we don’t, he gets upset. If we want to stop and look at something that catches our attention, he gets upset because it’s not part of the plan. He is also tall and walks very fast, so he expects everyone to walk at his pace, and if you don’t keep up, he gets upset.

Another thing is that he is against GPS and buses. He will only take trains, drive, or walk, and he often takes the longest route for everything. He also does not take feedback well because, to this day, he feels like he has to be the smartest person in the room. Because of that — and in order to protect our relationship, his feelings, and my mental health — I have a list of activities that feel safe to do with him, such as having dinner, going to the theater, or going to the movies: mostly activities where we know what to expect and there are no surprises.

Either way, I decided to go to New York during the first week of January because I knew he wanted to go for New Year’s Eve, and I assumed he would probably be gone by then. Also, New Year’s Eve prices are something I simply cannot afford, while prices a week later are cheaper. I mentioned to my parents that I would probably go at the beginning of the year. At first, my brother said he would not go, but then he changed his mind and said he would go, although he would not stay with me the entire time because he planned to leave early. “Leaving early” ended up meaning just one day before me.

I’m okay with the New York trip because I know he has been there before, so there shouldn’t be too many surprises. I also showed him the things I wanted to do, and he said he would not go everywhere with me, which is perfectly fine with me.

Now this brings me to the point where I realized I never stopped wanting to do solo travel. My birthday is in October, so I decided to go to San Francisco during my birthday weekend because I found a good deal. I told my mom, and she was very chill about it. She did suggest going to Houston and meeting up there with both her and my dad, but I explained to her that I already know Houston and that I wanted to experience a new place. I also told her that San Francisco had a good deal. I even checked the Houston flight prices just to show her that they were more expensive. I made sure not to hurt her feelings, and she was okay with it. She told me I was right and that she had always wanted me to have new experiences. She also said that if I had the money and the time, I should do it. She mentioned that it would be fun if she went too, but since she is already planning to visit us in August and again next April, she would rather save money and see both of us then.

Then, stupidly, I talked to my dad and mentioned the trip to him. He immediately said that San Francisco is dangerous. (So is the city where he lives. So is the world.) I told him it was okay, and then he said I should ask my brother to come. I told him I already see my brother every other week because we live about an hour apart. Then he said I should take my mom. I told him my mom had already said no. (I never invited her; she simply said on her own that she wanted to save money.)

Then he proceeded to say that he was going to buy her a flight ticket as a surprise. My parents are not really together anymore — they are still married, but they each have their own room and that kind of arrangement. Also, my mom never told him anything about my trip or gave him any reason to think she wanted to go. I had the conversation with her about San Francisco and then immediately called him afterward. Now he is texting me, telling me to buy the ticket for my mom.

I called my mom this morning and told her that he wanted to send her with me and that he even said he would pay for her ticket. She jokingly said that it was because he always wanted to find a way to get her out of the house. Now, don’t get me wrong: I do like traveling with my mom because she is fun, but at the same time, I know she wants me to invite my brother, and I really wanted to do a trip by myself. Going to LA last year was one of the highlights of my year because I got to feel free and carefree for three days and two nights.

It also bothers me that my dad always wants to decide things for my mom, even though they are not really together anymore. And now I don’t know if I should just cancel the San Francisco trip, stay here in Utah and sulk, or tell my mom that I wanted to go alone. (I know she would accept it, although I might hurt her feelings.) At the same time, I know she has always wanted to go to San Francisco.

Another issue is that I know she would also want me to invite my brother because we know he is not working that weekend. (He is a nurse, so he gets his schedule in advance and apparently made plans to be free on my birthday weekend — something I didn’t know until my parents told me.) However, I don’t want my brother to go with us, mostly because I don’t like the way my mom behaves when she is with him. She will always put him first, and she says it’s because “he doesn’t understand,” while I do.

Primarily, the reason I decided to stop taking vacations with my family is because of that dynamic. When the four of us are together, we do what my dad wants. When it’s just the three of us, we do what my brother wants. I would feel bad if I didn’t invite my brother, but I think I would feel even worse if he actually came and I was reminded of all the reasons why I no longer want to travel with all of them.

So now I honestly don’t know what I should do.

I am in my mid-twenties. I live alone, I work, I pay my own bills, and I have been refusing to travel with my family for over two years now. The last time we went on a family trip together was very stressful for me, so while I love them, I prefer to keep some distance. I did visit my parents last year, but I didn’t go on their vacation to New York. I said I didn’t have money and that I was still paying for school. They offered to pay for the trip, but I said no because I like being financially independent. (I actually did have money; I just didn’t want to travel with them and my brother.) I like spending time with them separately, but not all together.

Eventually, I went to LA at the end of last year, and because it was a last-minute trip, they didn’t come along. (I didn’t invite them.) However, when I mentioned I was going to LA, they kind of invited themselves, but then realized it would be too expensive for a three-day trip.

So this year, I decided I wanted to go to New York by myself during the first week of January. I felt like I had to mention it to my brother because he is always inviting me to New York, and I always say no because I’m not a big fan of traveling with him, or even being out with him in general. I do have a list in my head of things I like to do with him and that I feel are “safe.”

You see, I think my brother is on the spectrum. He travels alone all the time and does just fine. He is very kind, but he does not perceive things the same way I do, and he can get very frustrated if things do not go according to his plan. He can be a little — or a lot — inflexible, and he is always more concerned about other people than himself or his family. He is very particular: he only wants to walk on one side of the street, and if someone is with him, we have to follow him because if we don’t, he gets upset. If we want to stop and look at something that catches our attention, he gets upset because it’s not part of the plan. He is also tall and walks very fast, so he expects everyone to walk at his pace, and if you don’t keep up, he gets upset.

Another thing is that he is against GPS and buses. He will only take trains, drive, or walk, and he often takes the longest route for everything. He also does not take feedback well because, to this day, he feels like he has to be the smartest person in the room. Because of that — and in order to protect our relationship, his feelings, and my mental health — I have a list of activities that feel safe to do with him, such as having dinner, going to the theater, or going to the movies: mostly activities where we know what to expect and there are no surprises.

Either way, I decided to go to New York during the first week of January because I knew he wanted to go for New Year’s Eve, and I assumed he would probably be gone by then. Also, New Year’s Eve prices are something I simply cannot afford, while prices a week later are cheaper. I mentioned to my parents that I would probably go at the beginning of the year. At first, my brother said he would not go, but then he changed his mind and said he would go, although he would not stay with me the entire time because he planned to leave early. “Leaving early” ended up meaning just one day before me.

I’m okay with the New York trip because I know he has been there before, so there shouldn’t be too many surprises. I also showed him the things I wanted to do, and he said he would not go everywhere with me, which is perfectly fine with me.

Now this brings me to the point where I realized I never stopped wanting to do solo travel. My birthday is in October, so I decided to go to San Francisco during my birthday weekend because I found a good deal. I told my mom, and she was very chill about it. She did suggest going to Houston and meeting up there with both her and my dad, but I explained to her that I already know Houston and that I wanted to experience a new place. I also told her that San Francisco had a good deal. I even checked the Houston flight prices just to show her that they were more expensive. I made sure not to hurt her feelings, and she was okay with it. She told me I was right and that she had always wanted me to have new experiences. She also said that if I had the money and the time, I should do it. She mentioned that it would be fun if she went too, but since she is already planning to visit us in August and again next April, she would rather save money and see both of us then.

Then, stupidly, I talked to my dad and mentioned the trip to him. He immediately said that San Francisco is dangerous. (So is the city where he lives. So is the world.) I told him it was okay, and then he said I should ask my brother to come. I told him I already see my brother every other week because we live about an hour apart. Then he said I should take my mom. I told him my mom had already said no. (I never invited her; she simply said on her own that she wanted to save money.)

Then he proceeded to say that he was going to buy her a flight ticket as a surprise. My parents are not really together anymore — they are still married, but they each have their own room and that kind of arrangement. Also, my mom never told him anything about my trip or gave him any reason to think she wanted to go. I had the conversation with her about San Francisco and then immediately called him afterward. Now he is texting me, telling me to buy the ticket for my mom.

I called my mom this morning and told her that he wanted to send her with me and that he even said he would pay for her ticket. She jokingly said that it was because he always wanted to find a way to get her out of the house. Now, don’t get me wrong: I do like traveling with my mom because she is fun, but at the same time, I know she wants me to invite my brother, and I really wanted to do a trip by myself. Going to LA last year was one of the highlights of my year because I got to feel free and carefree for three days and two nights.

It also bothers me that my dad always wants to decide things for my mom, even though they are not really together anymore. And now I don’t know if I should just cancel the San Francisco trip, stay here in Utah and sulk, or tell my mom that I wanted to go alone. (I know she would accept it, although I might hurt her feelings.) At the same time, I know she has always wanted to go to San Francisco.

Another issue is that I know she would also want me to invite my brother because we know he is not working that weekend. (He is a nurse, so he gets his schedule in advance and apparently made plans to be free on my birthday weekend — something I didn’t know until my parents told me.) However, I don’t want my brother to go with us, mostly because I don’t like the way my mom behaves when she is with him. She will always put him first, and she says it’s because “he doesn’t understand,” while I do.

Primarily, the reason I decided to stop taking vacations with my family is because of that dynamic. When the four of us are together, we do what my dad wants. When it’s just the three of us, we do what my brother wants. I would feel bad if I didn’t invite my brother, but I think I would feel even worse if he actually came and I was reminded of all the reasons why I no longer want to travel with all of them.

So now I honestly don’t know what I should do.