u/Ambitious-Clue9194

After my previous post I realized I may not be suited to be emotionally sustainable in this relationship. I don't think things will change at all. Two years together and we both repeat the same hurtful patters over and over again. I feel that I'll either get burnt out, have a heart attack or grow resentful towards her.

Gonna try and talk to her in a sensible way. Asked my therapist how to do that, prepared a short script on what I'll say. I hope things go well for both of us.

I still love her very much, still think she is an amazing, beautiful and smart woman and I know it's not her fault. But this relationship simply cannot sustain with my mental health like this. I hope one day she can forgive me.

The main problem tho, I'll have to travel to see her. Probably will have to sleep in her house. I may have a plan b or c if things go astray but I'm not sure yet. I'm scared about being alone at night in a city I don't know.

Tips on how to navigate this will be very appreciated, wish us luck please.

This is a burner account.

I 24(M) havebeen in a relationship with my pwBPD (25F) (unmedicated and refuses to go to therapy) for around two years. We met online and lived fairly far apart, and things between us have always been turbulent.

We had a history before we officially got together, but it didn’t end well. At the time, she was still tied to her abusive ex and financially dependent on him to survive, so in a way, I was the “side chick.” It was entirely virtual, though. There was a lot of drama, and eventually I broke down. I became so overwhelmed that I impulsively stabbed myself in the thigh with a knife. I didn’t need to be hospitalized, but I had to stay away from knives for months afterward. Eventually, I cut her out of my life completely.

Then, about two and a half years ago, she reappeared by liking some of my photos on Instagram. Despite everything that had happened before, I still loved her immensely, so I decided to message her. We talked for a while and quickly became intimate again.

She was in a much better place by then. She had managed to flee her abuser, found a stable job, and we were finally able to meet in person. Before that, though, we still had unresolved issues between us. You see, I’ve always been afraid of commitment. I also went through an abusive relationship in the past and struggle heavily with anxiety myself.

One day, I mentioned that I wished she could come on a trip I was taking with my friends, and she exploded at me. At the time, I didn’t understand why, and it triggered a massive panic attack. It was the first one I’d had in years. It was bad enough that it ruined the mood of the entire trip.

Afterwards, we were finally able to talk properly and work through some of the issues that had doomed our relationship the first time around, especially my fear of commitment.

Since then, we started dating but things have been hard. She is extremely mature in many ways and gives me a lot of support and safety, but we argue almost weekly. In most of those arguments, I become so overwhelmed that I end up having panic attacks. It got so severe that I had to be hospitalized multiple times, missed many days of work, and damaged my career because of it. I even started lying to people to make everything seem unrelated.

This relationship has also pushed me away from my friends. She constantly speaks badly about them for little to no reason, sometimes even crossing into borderline homophobic comments.

Yet despite all of this, I can’t stop loving her. I know it may be sellfish, but she loves me in a way i feel like no one else can. Im afraid of losing this. Im afraid of losing her. I feel extremely responsible for managing her emotions. I feel like i dulled the person i was for her and i feel burnt out.

Yesterday we got into an argument. I was having a bad week, woke up extremely sad and the first thing she brought to talk after greeting me was some random twitter argument she had, where the person she was arguing with had done literally nothing wrong, it honestly felt like straight up bigotry. I couldnt bring myself to tell her that, and ended up acting a little cold towards her. She said something along the lines of me purposefully not interacting with the things she say is a asshole thing to do (which i dont fully deny) and after i said that i was sorry and acted like that because i wasnt feeling okay and felt depressed, she started questioning me. I broke down because, even though i know she wouldnt just give me shallow comfort, that was what i felt like i nedded at the time. She never said to me that things would be okay. Somehow that triggered me and i felt the start of a panic attack, she, of course, already knew that. Booked a psychologist so i could vent to someone (i dont have any friends i could do that anymore) and, during my appointment, she sent me a flurry of texts, saying i never took the security she gave me, that i am a lost cause, that i dont know what the fuck i want, that my fears are unfounded, that i act like a lost teenager who still hasn’t really processed my future or the situation im in, and basically just panic, apologize, cry, and have breakdowns every time we talk instead of actually changing in the long term. And i feel like she is mostly right...

We havent been talking since, i couldnt think about it or i would have breakdowns at work. I am lost. I dont wanna lose her and i really wanna be good to her but i dont know what to do to repair things and bring safety for her. I also feel conflicted feeling like i dulled the person i was for her, i checked my mood tracker and before we started dating i had almost only good days, afterwards it was such a fucking rollercoaster. I havent had a "great" day in ages.

I have read a lot about BPD but i still feel lost on how to propperly navigate this relationship and i really need help to do it. I want things to be good for her. I know my mood swings also affect her tremendously but it feels like any of the talks we had helped. Not her and not I. I feel like i didnt change at all and i hate myself for it.

I dont know where else i can get a sense of community and help other than here

This is a burner account.

I 24(M) havebeen in a relationship with my pwBPD (25F) (unmedicated and refuses to go to therapy) for around two years. We met online and lived fairly far apart, and things between us have always been turbulent.

We had a history before we officially got together, but it didn’t end well. At the time, she was still tied to her abusive ex and financially dependent on him to survive, so in a way, I was the “side chick.” It was entirely virtual, though. There was a lot of drama, and eventually I broke down. I became so overwhelmed that I impulsively stabbed myself in the thigh with a knife. I didn’t need to be hospitalized, but I had to stay away from knives for months afterward. Eventually, I cut her out of my life completely.

Then, about two and a half years ago, she reappeared by liking some of my photos on Instagram. Despite everything that had happened before, I still loved her immensely, so I decided to message her. We talked for a while and quickly became intimate again.

She was in a much better place by then. She had managed to flee her abuser, found a stable job, and we were finally able to meet in person. Before that, though, we still had unresolved issues between us. You see, I’ve always been afraid of commitment. I also went through an abusive relationship in the past and struggle heavily with anxiety myself.

One day, I mentioned that I wished she could come on a trip I was taking with my friends, and she exploded at me. At the time, I didn’t understand why, and it triggered a massive panic attack. It was the first one I’d had in years. It was bad enough that it ruined the mood of the entire trip.

Afterwards, we were finally able to talk properly and work through some of the issues that had doomed our relationship the first time around, especially my fear of commitment.

Since then, we started dating but things have been hard. She is extremely mature in many ways and gives me a lot of support and safety, but we argue almost weekly. In most of those arguments, I become so overwhelmed that I end up having panic attacks. It got so severe that I had to be hospitalized multiple times, missed many days of work, and damaged my career because of it. I even started lying to people to make everything seem unrelated.

This relationship has also pushed me away from my friends. She constantly speaks badly about them for little to no reason, sometimes even crossing into borderline homophobic comments.

Yet despite all of this, I can’t stop loving her. I know it may be sellfish, but she loves me in a way i feel like no one else can. Im afraid of leaving her. Im afraid of losing her. I feel extremely responsible for managing her emotions. I feel like i dulled the person i was for her and i feel burnt out.

Yesterday we got into an argument. I was having a bad week, woke up extremely sad and the first thing she brought to talk after greeting me was some random twitter argument she had, where the person she was arguing with had done literally nothing wrong, it honestly felt like straight up bigotry. I couldnt bring myself to tell her that, and ended up acting a little cold towards her. She said something along the lines of me purposefully not interacting with the things she say is a asshole thing to do (which i dont fully deny) and after i said that i was sorry and acted like that because i wasnt feeling okay and felt depressed, she started questioning me. I broke down because, even though i know she wouldnt just give me shallow comfort, that was what i felt like i nedded at the time. She never said to me that things would be okay. Somehow that triggered me and i felt the start of a panic attack, she, of course, already knew that. Booked a psychologist so i could vent to someone (i dont have any friends i could do that anymore) and, during my appointment, she sent me a flurry of texts, saying i never took the security she gave me, that i am a lost cause, that i dont know what the fuck i want, that my fears are unfounded, that i act like a lost teenager who still hasn’t really processed my future or the situation im in, and basically just panic, apologize, cry, and have breakdowns every time we talk instead of actually changing in the long term. And i feel like she is mostly right...

We havent been talking since, i couldnt think about it or i would have breakdowns at work. I am lost. I dont wanna lose her and i really wanna be good to her but i dont know what to do to repair things and bring safety for her. I also feel conflicted feeling like i dulled the person i was for her, i checked my mood tracker and before we started dating i had almost only good days, afterwards it was such a fucking rollercoaster. I havent had a "great" day in ages.

I have read a lot about BPD but i still feel lost on how to propperly navigate this relationship and i really need help to do it.