u/AnalysisInevitable52

They have known each other since they were a few months old, they visit the same kindergarten and have always been good friends. His friend has some form of developmental issues, his parents don’t really know what it is and how to help him, but especially during the last year it has become more obvious.

He struggles with speaking and understanding people around him, he had a phase were he would just randomly hit kids (to me it seemed unprovoked), he has trouble with rules, which is especially obvious in kindergarten, because the rules have been there and implemented for 3 years now and when he breaks them you can see that he doesn’t understand why he is getting in trouble.

The thing that I struggle with is that he is very physical with my son. Everytime they see each other he hugs him for a long time, when they run around, he wrestles him down and lies on top of him, he pushes him. Today they had a swimming lesson and his friend kept jumping on top of him, one time he pushed him inside.

We’ve talked to his teachers who have also noticed this. My son has struggled setting boundaries in the past, but he has gotten a lot better with all other kids except for this friend. He has told me, that he doesn’t want his friend to get in trouble because he will be sad. I mean, I am incredibly proud of him for having that much empathy and putting his friend first, but this is too much. I don’t know how to help him. There are instances, where he is visibly uncomfortable, but he never does anything. When I notice it I intervene of course, but I have to assume that it happens when no one is around them aswell.

The thing is, his friend is now at an age where the other kids are noticing that he is behind as well. I have been noticing that he seems sad, sometimes I‘d even say depressed. Most kids make fun of him or don’t let him play with them, so I don’t want to make it worse for him, I just don’t know how to reassure my son and show him how important it is for him, but also for his friend that he sets boundaries especially pertaining to his body.

Has anybody dealt with similar situations or has some advice on how to handle it?

Two years ago we had to move out of our apartment, because her family, who lived upstairs physically assaulted her. Her sister attacked first, then her boyfriend and her parents joined in. She had given birth to our son a few weeks before that.

We moved out and tried to remain in contact. We tried setting boundaries and general rules. It took a few weeks for them to break them and at some point a fight would break out. I’ve been witnessing this cycle for over ten years. I’m just so tired of it all.

We have three kids, our eldest is 5 and sadly has witnessed a lot of their maipulation and abuse. We’ve tried to keep in contact partly for his sake, but in my opinion there is nothing we can do that would make the contact safe. As I said, I feel like we have tried everything, limiting contact, having only supervised contact, they were not allowed to buy him presents which led to my MIL „finding“ toys in her basement every week, allowingcontact only outside the house, not sharing personal information, limiting contact to her siblings as well, as they would often be used to talk us out of the rules.

My MIL has had a few breakdowns (I don’t know what else to call them). She often feels like people don’t show her enough respect and she’s always a victim. This will lead to endless rants, text messages about what a disgrace we are, that we are harming our children, that she never wants to see us again and so on. It is often a lot worse than I’m making itour to be, pretty much the worst I have ever heard anybody say about anyone. She’s had two in the past year. After the first we cut contact for a few months, but started limited contact, because of our Son. After the second we cut all ties (which is what she told us to do). We blocked their numbers, didn’t see them for Christmas or birthdays. I felt like my wife changed a lot in that time. She was a lot calmer, had a lot more confidence, was less impulsive, I can’t say she was „happy“ as she was grieving the family she never had, but she just seemed more herself.

2 weeks ago her dad came to her workplace. He cried and apologized (has never happened before), talked about the things he realizes he did wrong (also never happened before) and how much he has been crying these past months. The thing is, Im inclined to believe him, but he is part of this cycle and system of abuse. My wife then went to see her mom who of course did not apologize, but somehow now all seems forgotten and I feel like I’m going crazy. They were invited to our house and were the perfect guests, brought food, took care of the children, complimented our garden, helped clean up but all I can think about when I see them is „you have hit my wife“ „you have used my son to hurt us“ „you have yelled horrible things while my son was in earshot“ and so on. When I told my wife she got angry. She says she just wanted to have a day where she felt like she had a normal family. I don’t know, I get that. And at the end of the day it is her decision, i can’t and won’t make her break off contact. I just know that the price we‘ll pay at the end is not going to be worth these glimpses (that is something she will say, i don’t want to belittle what this means for her).

I don’t trust these people. It has taken me years as well to realize that there is not much we can do to control them or to protect ourselves. The only thing that ensures that we won’t be abused again (physically or verbally) is to cut contact. I just know that there is no possibility that there won’t be a huge fight in the next few months. I would be surprised if it didn’t happen before Christmas and judging by the amount of lovebombing that has been going on I think it’s going to be horrible.