u/Ancient_Swan_

My parents have a terrible habit of complaining about each other to other people. They have been married almost 36 years and they have done this for as long as I can remember. They complain to me and my siblings together and individually. My mom used to vent to her friends and pastors but she got more isolated as she got older so she doesn’t do that as much. I have begged them to get divorced because it’s very obvious they deeply resent each other but my mom believes the terrible marriage is her cross to bear( her words). My siblings are all grown; we are 29, 33, 35 so it’s definitely not about the kids.

I realize my mum’s just as complicit as my dad in our terrible upbringing while painting herself as the victim. She’s manipulative, terrible with money and a pick me. They definitely deserve each other. I just feel terrible for her and I’m more biased towards her because she’s never known peace and happiness; she had terrible parents growing and then married my terrible dad. She’s also got diagnosed with stage 4 cancer ( my dad was completely unsupportive).

The problem is she thinks she can now vent / confide in me because I’m married and will get it but I genuinely don’t want to hear it and I deeply resent her and my dad. When I was younger and used to ask why she wouldn’t leave him, she would say ‘ I wouldn’t understand until I was grown / married/ had kids. I have been married for 4 years and have a 10 month old child and it’s made me realize this shit is not that hard when you actually like who you are with. They are 60 and 62 years and still having fights 2-3x a month about money, infidelity and everything else. I have lost a lot of respect for them over the years from having to hear all their fights. Like how are you 60 and still whining about a man?? You have done this shit all my life just leave me alone!

I still love them both individually because humans are deeply flawed but I genuinely just want to be left alone and wish they would break up and enjoy the rest of their years in peace.

My sister’s sister in law completely ignored her while she was pregnant so she invited the whole family to the shower and specifically excluded the SIL. I’m mortified even thinking about it because I was raised to be a good-two-shoes so could never do that but she claims it’s the reason she’s not ruminating over it is because she just took the low road instead and watch her suffer the humiliation of being excluded.

It’s okay for other people to see you as human too -rude, cranky, tired,short sometimes. Shedding the persona of perfection helps you get through life easier.