u/Anderson-B-Rubik

I’m (M37) in a senior PR role at a large company, dealing regularly with leading international media. I’ve built a broad international network. Before this, I worked in politics as a spokesperson and strategist/spin doctor, and I’ve developed experience in crisis management, crisis organization, risk analysis and risk prediction.

So I basically have everything in place to run a high-end one-man boutique agency. I also like leading talented people.. I got a lot of energy from that when I was running a creative editorial setup, working with external partners and freelancers.

I have a lot of ideas on how to change PR for the better. Or better: I have a clear sense of/focus on what it should look like. And still.. I’ve been hesitant to start my own company.

First, because I still saw opportunities to prove and develop my skills at levels and in environments I didn’t expect, so I postponed. Second.. and this is really the only reason left.. because I thought I didn’t like the idea of chasing customers and all the hassle that comes with it. It might be that I feel like I’d lose my authentic self and vision if I had to do that and that I will kind of loose all my income and freedom (while the idea of starting my company would be more freedom).

That probably comes from a bad experience when I was freelancing in my early twenties. I had to wait a lot for jobs or gigs, and when they came in, they didn’t pay well.. struggling to pay rent, etc.

Right now I have a good salary and I wouldn’t want to earn less. At the same time.. if I do the math, I could probably reach a similar income fairly quickly, possibly with less effort.

It might also be that I see the market in my region as quite saturated. If I don’t feel the world needs yet another PR agency, I hesitate to step in.

And still.. I do think I could bring something different and innovative to the table.

You might say: stay true to your vision and personal style, don’t chase clients.. that’s your USP. You might say: get a coach to get rid of that hesitation you developed in your early twenties. And you might say: the market might be saturated, but that’s exactly where an original and innovative setup is needed.

So.. my questions:
Have any of you had this hesitation as well? What was it, and how did you deal with it?

A question that keeps coming up for me is why the Zen teachers I visit keep criticizing each other. I don't want to do the same, but it feels off to me, as I didn’t expect Senseis and Roshis to ‘compare’ or speak badly of one another. A Roshi from a temple I trained with in the US for a week spoke about ‘at least the Zen people we respect’, as if there weren’t many other Zen teachers he respected, and as if he was practicing the ‘ultimate’ way of Zen.

I’ve been visiting a Sensei in Europe for a year, and I love his style and soberness -- but he has been pitching his way of Zen to me during daisan and criticizing other Zen centers for being too full of ego or show, because they are not sober enough.

It feels off to me… I am like: please don't do that, don't go there, just teach what you want to teach me without speaking bad of the other's. Just challenge what I bring up to you during daisan and don't be so insecure that you need to speak bad of others. There's not one way of Zen... and I try to give him hints.. and although I do not want to continue to ‘seek’ the ideal Zen school (because there isn't) and instead want to continue training with one school (because staying with what is is part of the practice), it makes me wonder whether I should move to schools or centers where they simply talk a lot less and focus on the practice of zazen alone.

Maybe them being so human that they compare and criticize and show their ego by criticizing the ego of others is part of the practice, as if they're holding up a mirror to myself.. 😃

I've been practicing Zen Buddhism for about two years now, and what I try to learn is to stay with what is... not changing circumstances all the time or longing for elsewhere, or another time where things will be better. For instance, I changed jobs every one and a half years, mostly because salaries could be better and I could be challenged more. Now I make enough money to pay my mortgage and have quite a lot of holidays per year... I know it can't be any better, or the stress of messy jobs will get back. Still there's an itch and an incredible boredom that's coming back, but I don't think salary and holidays can get any better, and I don't even want to be attached to salary, holidays, and excitement anymore.

Every few months I start applying for new jobs, but then realize: okay, this is like thoughts during meditation.. it's ego.. just let it go and get back to what is. I try to change myself and the way I relate to this world, and not even change that anymore, but just sit.. sit with whatever passes by... and practice Zen Buddhism as well as I can. Because any other job won't change my life or the reason for my dissatisfaction. I have to find that within myself. And I have to admit, it's giving me some more solidity and even joy every now and then.

I'd rather work on my Zen and not see jobs as central to my life anymore. It's just "gardening". I get into the "garden", work, pull weeds, and get home. No need to change the garden. No need to find a better garden or criticize the plants or weeds that grow in the garden.

*

(Edit, addition:)

What do you think if you read this? Is this the way to go, or am I behaving too defeated, resigning from the world in which I should act. Would you advice me to stand up and live and go for whatever I feel like, where I can contribute and use my talents and be excited again? (..even though it means changing every now and then, even though it means behaving out of 'the ordinary'.) Should I take on a samurai attitude, or sit still?

It's probably 'both', or it probably all 'depends'.

This is my koan. The koan is my life and my life is the koan.

*

Any thoughts?