u/Anthem_Lite

The following is some fast unadulterated thoughts of my daily experience. Please take it with a grain of salt as I try to describe my situation as best as possible.

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Mind runs blank, feel like the words are running away before I can reach for them. Often considered the quiet, reserved one in the group, etc.

Feels like my brain is suddenly running at a lower fps, or it's swimming through a sea of peanut butter.

Not that I would say I am or would like to be considered reserved, I just legitimately can't think of something to say, or something that feels right to say.

There are brief moments of clarity in my life however, where I don't suddenly get so tensed up, like the gray clouds parted a bit. In these brief moments, situations, or encounters, conversation seems to flow, things feel natural. I don't feel like I am actively running a control board, having to manually think or speak. It's strange when it happens, because it's like I reached the surface and got a full breath of air.

Rest of the days are cloudy and gray. I feel like I am frozen, if that's the right word for it. But I DO want to talk to people, connect with people. But it just seems I can never quite get close enough because I'm dodging specific words, conversations, and contexts. Because my brain seems to struggle a bit with it.

Really hard to describe this experience, but I've been dealing with it for a long long time. Relationships are tough, most things that are social are. Sometimes 1:1 is easier than when a conversation with a group starts happening. Lots more things to keep track of. Because getting close to someone will take more than surface level agreements.

I find listening much much easier, than talking about myself. Talking about myself, or telling a story seems like the hardest thing in the world.

Not sure if anyone out there relates or has felt this. Despite all of these setbacks, I would say I am pretty social. I go out often, have friends I can talk to. It's hard but I do it. I've been considering things like Zoloft to see if it may help calm those nerves. There is most definitely some sort of nerves or deer in the headlights thing that hits me in most of these situations that I can't shake off very easily, even if it's a connection with a friend.

And somewhat unrelated but also strange. I had a horrible bout of tinnitus and hyperacausis for close to a year after going to a music event. Went with some friends and nobody in my friend group was impacted except for me. Had to leave my dorm and wander life with earplugs for nearly 6 months.

I also have some very weird, niche, and specific interests. I am drawn to non-standard people, stories, and literature. I grow carnivorous plants and have been obsessed with them for decades. I do love nature. I love it a lot.

Outside of that mess, I would say I am doing pretty well career wise and outside. I own a business that I run, a full-time job in tech, did a degree in computer engineering, was valedictorian in my class. Was really good at math - finished all of my math requirements in high school.

It's strange that suddenly when it comes to talking to people on a daily basis, I can't seem to get a good read on myself. And the worst part is the rumination that comes AFTER an interaction.

I appreciate any thoughts. I have never been diagnosed in my life. Though my family thinks I am a bit off-kilter too.

Thanks for coming to my TED talk.