u/Antique-Calendar-466

AITJ for abusing my own mom?

um... ok. first of all, i apologize in advance for the long ass paragraph and atrocious grammar. i've never rlly talked about my mom in this much detail as i struggle immensely to talk openly about my personal life, so uh... here goes.

so basically, my mom is always unpredictable. im walking on eggshells around her. one wrong move, no matter how small, and she starts talking to me in a tone that makes me feel like i've done something wrong. i cant call her out or she'll threaten me. she also makes fun of small things i do, and accuses me of hiding things.

i just- i dont know what i did to deserve this mistrust. I know I’ve messed up before, but I felt guilty to the point of breaking down. i cant even act slightly annoyed without her accusing me of something horrible. theres more but... i dunno, I don’t feel like getting into it. im just, im scared of her, and I feel rlly guilty considering how loving she is when she’s in a good mood. the only way she'll be nice or decent to me is if i agree with absolutely everything she does or says, and I wish I could say im exaggerating, but im not.

She used to use violence, but I’ve learned to shut up and be compliant when I see the signs that she’s about to hurt me. Because of this, its been years since she last hit me or grabbed me and shoved me under freezing water in my pajamas if I didn’t want to go to bed. and apparently im weak if i dont like something she does or if I complain about things in my life. I just gotta “buck up.”

shes also claimed multiple times that i dont love her, which isnt true, and that im a selfish jerk. (There’s a lot of things she’s said about me that I don’t feel comfortable repeating on a site that children can access, so im toning it down a little) she has threatened to end her own life and called me during crisises stating that she’s going to jump off a bridge and its all my fault.

but... she loves me a lot, which makes me think nothing is wrong. And don’t even get me STARTED on how she treats my dad. There’s so much more I could say, but this post would be 2 pages long. so uh... I feel like im an asshole. Truly. She's said herself the way i treat her is abusive and ungrateful, and i should know better now that im in highschool. (freshman year) How can I change myself? I don’t wanna make her feel bad.

I understand her Homelife growing up wasn’t great, and she’s had a hard time at work and stuff. she’s told me all about that. She says I should be grateful that she just used to slap me and do the water thing, and I should be glad she only threatens me nowadays because apparently it takes “every last bit of my energy not to whip you with a belt right now” lol

So, I truly appreciate that she’s not completely like her parents, but I’ve looked up stuff about what she does and sources say she’s abusive?? What the fuck?? She hasn’t even hit me in 5 years. And she loves me A LOT.

I'm not homeless. i don't live in a house with addicts. i have access to food water education, etc. i have it so good.

Am I just being selfish?

Help?? 

heyyy so can someone please help me?? im so confused rn

on thursday night, out of nowhere, my dad (48m) told me he was going to vietnam to see his sister (46f). i was hesitant but i asked him why and he said "uhhhh i just havent seen her i guess" and i could tell something was up but i didn't want to know.

so yeah the situation with my aunt has been pretty weird lately, and i know there's a lot of shady stuff going on in our family rn that they don't think i know about.

he left for the airport at 4am.

my little sister (13f) didn't find out until this morning because she was at a sleepover. my mom is acting like he's not even gone, and nobody has said anything since he left. no calls, no texts, nothing.

watching him pack his suitcase with such a grim expression just left me with such an eery, unsettling feeling that i don't know how to explain, and what's worse is he didn't tell me until just 6 hours before he left.

it was so last minute, and i think there must have been an emergency or something, otherwise i'm sure he would have said something MUCH earlier.

a lot of weird stuff happens in my family, but this time im genuinely worried, especially since the last time something popped up out of nowhere, i found out that my close childhood friend had died.

I guess i still haven't really gotten over that, and i've just been really paranoid in general lately, so maybe i'm crazy.

i've pretty much just lost track of what's okay and what's not, because i'm so used to things happening that make everything normal fall apart again.

could anyone tell me if this is something to be concerned about?? i don't think i'm in a place to make good judgements right now...

and im fine btw!! I don't feel anything at all, even if i wish sometimes that i could. 😅 hah