u/AntiqueSummer05

So much of myself likes to imagine you coming back and us lasting an eternity with each other. But that’s a fairy tale and I acknowledge that but why can’t I shake the feeling of you and I? I can’t say I don’t want you but most of me wants the lingering thoughts of you to go away. I don’t know why I still imagine myself being with you when you brought me to my worst and brought out parts of myself I hated and tried to hide. It’s hard to understand why I still long for you. It’s hard to comprehend you will not be returning and you’ll do as I asked but not because you want to, but for your own sake.

I think I understand you from your perspective of things. I might not, but I was left with unwanted and unresolved feelings for you, so my brain has always tried to piece all of this together slowly and sometimes I don’t understand why you couldn’t have gave me what I needed to move on with my life.

I feel since there was not an ounce of closure nor clarity, it kept some of those feelings inside and it’s an extremely difficult tie to break from. I’ve never been through this and I surely won’t put myself in this position ever again.

I’m not angry anymore. And this time I truly mean it, before I knew I was angry and I hadn’t been okay with you moving forward with another woman. A woman who had the same features. That’s what hurt me when I found out. To realize you want me but not enough to let yourself be reminded of the past I put you through, so you chose what you loved about me in another woman who will never and could never be me. That was so sad for me to understand. I was angry and sad all in one. It absolutely shattered my heart. I showed my mom, my sisters, my friends, my coworkers, and they all said the same thing…… and now I know you NEED to experience other women to learn love and how to respect a woman and treat her right. I’m not angry with you anymore.

I think when a man hurts they run away, but then again, only a boy would run away, so what does that make you? More importantly what does that make me?

All of this is so complicated and confusing and sometimes I contradict myself with hope but even then how could I have sacrificed my life on the line for you, only for you to not care? How did I allow myself to be put in this position with you? Sometimes I’m so upset at myself for allowing me to love you.

And sometimes I don’t understand.

And other times I hope you find someone who tries to understand you in the ways I had already understood you.

I’ve been thinking about you a lot and I’d give anythingggggggggggg just for one conversation with you. It would help me a lot right now. Please. I’m okay but a conversation with you would be nice. Not a talk about everything that happened between you and I. I want to put all of that to the side and actually have a mutual conversation about how we are as individuals. Call me. Text me. I’ll always answer.

With the pain I endured, you were worth the love I experienced but sometimes I question whether all of what I did for you was truly love. I still remember so much, though I’ve forget a lot about you. I remember our moments we shared together. I remember staring into your eyes untill I fell asleep. I was so comfortable with you, no words were needed, your eyes were enough to give me a sense of comfort and tranquility, I’d slowly fall asleep. That was by far my favorite and fondest memory of you. I’ve never felt so at peace with a person. I have never allowed myself to be that way with anyone on this Earth but you were like a rose in a garden full of daisies. And when a new love comes into my life far away in the future, I don’t believe I’ll love them more than I loved you. I won’t do the same things I did with you, with another soul. Sometimes I wish you were still here.

You know I hate when I miss you. You hurt me so badly. I never told you the things I kept hidden from you. I didn’t want you to feel the pain I felt by you breaking up with me. I never told you entirely of how you hurt me our first breakup. I didn’t tell you everything I went through alone trying to easy the pain you put in my heart. It hurt. In a way that affected me when we tried again. I wish you took things super slow with me. I wish we waited for all the good things to come after we had the conversation about our first breakup. That didn’t happen and I was left still feeling sad and upset with our first breakup during our second relationship. You were mine in those moments I felt that way and it hurt feeling I couldn’t tell you. It honestly played a huge role in our relationship. Why couldn’t we have spoken about me for while? You don’t even know me well, and it’s so sad to imagine that. I never even told you everything about me and I know you better than anyone. Or so I once did. I’m still upset, but not in the way I once was. I’m upset in a calm understanding, wanting to give up with this type of way. This is sad and unfortunately I’m wide awake missing you and you’re probably off sleeping with some girl tonight.