u/AnxiousBus9770

I’m very conflicted and need some outside input. My husband has a “very good friend” (female) who I have major red flags over. I feel it’s an emotional affair, as he spends a lot of time talking, texting, and seeing her. I’ve even noticed a much happier version of him on the days he sees her.

I’ve confronted him about it, and asked to see text messages. He did show me but he was furious. Nothing overly explicit in the texts - just telling each other how wonderful they both are, checking in to make sure the other one is ok or made it home safely, talking about conversations they’ve had where they confide in each other. After I read the texts he shut down, told me he didn’t want to talk about it anymore and went to bed. Hasn’t spoken of it since.

So I reached out to her. We ended up having a face to face conversation. She was overly sweet and definitely denied anything going on. But, she started the conversation by telling me they have a spiritual connection and they’ve always known each other “in past lives or whatever.” Gag. There wasn’t really a resolution to the conversation just lots of denial and we’re “just friends” but we left amicably.

What would you make of this? How would you feel if your spouse was doing this? Nbd or affair that I’m in denial about?

Tl;dr: would it be a red flag for you if another woman told you your husband and her have a spiritual connection?

I just need to know if I’m TA in this relationship. I (46F) and my husband (49m) have been married for 19 years. There’s been so many ups and downs but if I’m honest, more downs than ups. Recently, two situations have happened that I’ll detail below. But, know there’s so much history, that I could possibly not recount everything on this post.

First situation: he belongs to an association where they do classes, social events and meet together quite often. Over the past 6 years part of his close friend group in this association is a woman. She’s married and has kids. But, something inside me has been screaming that it’s more than “just friends” (his words). She confides in him, they see each other at least 4 days a week, they work out together, she frequently texts and calls him. One day, I asked to see their texts. Now, there’s nothing blatantly obvious as cheating in the texts but there’s a lot of knowing where the other one is and checking up on them, also frequently telling the other how awesome or wonderful they are. He’s denied anything outside of friendship. But, when everything came to a head basically he cut off the conversation and said “I’m going to bed.” It hasn’t been discussed since. He still sees her and hasn’t offered me any solution. Not sure where to go here, let it go and just be happy when he’s gone? Or dig in and reach out to people to see what they think?

Second situation: my nearly 80 year old parents drove 800 miles to see us. Our plan was to spend a few days at our house and then drive another 6 hours to see my nephew. He knew these plans for well over two months and said he wanted to go. I gave him the option. The literal day before, he says he has another obligation that he just made and can’t get out of. What? I was upset and just told him I needed time to myself, but as hard as I was trying to not cry it came anyway. He ended up going with us. When we got to the hotel that night, he was on edge. It was a nice hotel, and nice room with plenty of space for us and our three kids (18, 16, 13) to sleep. He went into the small closet made a bed and slept there all night. My parents came to our room as we had plans to meet up with my nephew and I had to tell them he was asleep in the closet. It was mortifying. But, this kind of behavior is on repeat.

I should note he is retired from the military and absolutely will not get therapy or treatment, though he needs it. He can’t/wont work a regular job. Everyone he knows doesn’t know the real him, they know his persona, the one that can behave. I just don’t know what to think or do and need some clarity. If he’s really in need to help, AITA for not being willing to help or stay anymore? Help!