I feel so violated.
"Out from the frying pan into the fire" This whole situation has felt like since I hit my breaking point in the relationship, just to reach a new height of suffering from leaving. I've gotten a lot of great advice directly and indirectly from this sub, various YouTube videos, therapy but nothing really helps me cope with how violated I feel. Ultimately, I am an adult (27) and I am responsible for my actions and decisions but fuck man, I didn't know just how bad things could get. She entered my world with surgical precision and experience (53F - numerous men left destroyed in her wake, per her own accounts, also "they deserved it").
We work at the same place. She asked everyone about me, what I was like, what secrets I had, everything she could get from them. Then she trauma dumps on me to create this fake closeness to extract even more information from me. Paints herself as someone who has been an undeserved victim her entire life. That she raised 3 great kids by herself, a holy religious woman who loved giving to the needy(never saw her give a dime to anyone but okay).
Starts flirting with me; telling me all the things I want to hear, mirrors everything I like. Invites me out numerous times until I finally crack and start to believe that this nice older lady was actually interested in having a serious relationship with me or so I thought. I was over the moon; I didn't care about her age or anything. I was finally going to have someone who loves me. She knew I was a shy and very inexperienced (maidenless, kissless, hugless, virgin.)
She kissed me on the first date, she laid her head on my lap, she hugged me. On our second date a week later, we had sex; she invites me to move in with her. I felt like I was biggest man on this planet. I loved being at her side and was doing everything possible to show it. I was taking her out to expensive dinners, paying for her groceries, driving her out for her errands. I gave her a nice necklace that held a lot of sentimental value to me and my mom. A necklace my father worked very hard for to give to my mother shortly before he passed away. I was giving her my 100% genuine self and affection. I trusted her, I loved her, I was enthralled by her. She was my god at this point, and I really messed up making her that.
Month 2 hits and she kicked me to the curb after a fight. Before I ever even met her, I went out to dinner with a friend, a male coworker, that's it. I didn't understand, I tried reasoning with her. I cried like a little baby begging her to not do this. She claimed I was hiding this bit of information from her, that this was really a date with that person. She forcefully went through my phone (didn't find anything), yelled at me, and packed my shit in trash bags and out the door I went. I received a text message 5 hours later saying "I love you come back". My coming back was the start of a nasty cycle of abuse and manipulation.
I experienced during her "crazy attacks" as I called them;
Constant putdowns, accusations of infidelity, accusations of looking at other women, I kept getting kicked out, she ruined vacations where I spent thousands, she would humiliate me in public/work with nasty comments, she even hit me at one point because again jealousy, she would never celebrate my victories, she would use my past to attack me and hurt me. My god what didn't she do.
But then she would turn on that sweetness and make me think it will all be okay. Just had to keep being an emotional/economic/sex slave. Because I couldn't feel any negative emotions myself or else I would get punished with her famous "well, since you're depressed or angry I'm not going to talk to you for 3 days". Couldn't say no to purchases because then I'm a cheapskate and saying no to sex was forbidden. She would intentionally withhold intimacy if I ever said no and god forbid if I failed to perform when forced to have sex. She would make sure I knew just how little she saw me as a man in those moments. Instantly cutting intimacy in the middle of the act even if I offered to finish her by other means.
I would try talking to her to get her to understand that constant accusations of infidelity hurt my feelings and ultimately was hurting the relationship. I would explain to her how important it is to have balanced finances in case of an emergency. I would explain it hurts when she cold cuts intimacy like that. None of it would ever reach her. She never cared to change. It was always how she felt.
I suffered like this for 3 years until I really snapped during one of her attacks when she was threatening to leave me for good, compared me to the devil, called me a son of a whore. I threw a temper tantrum basically.. throwing stuff around and she said If I didn't stop then she was 'really really' going to leave and well. I didn't stop. She left me alone with the apartment this time since we were finally both on the lease. I still see her at work but I'm just a ghost to her at this point. I have her blocked and I bet she has me blocked too.
She always leaves me all the pieces to pick up. All the emotional and financial fallout always falls onto me. She stole so many of my firsts. She violated my trust and my love. It hurts so much that some days I wish I could just stop feeling at all. I wish I could make her feel the way I've been forced to feel. I'd give anything to be that unexperienced maidenless fool again.