At what point do you just call it quits?
I’m currently 34 weeks pregnant and I’ve been dealing with depression pretty much the entire pregnancy. With my first daughter I had PPD pretty quick and it took me over 6 months to ask for help out of fear she would be taken from me. It was pretty bad, I was plotting and planning how I would take my life without anyone being affected. I even reached a point of desperation where I told everyone about it a week or so before doing anything as a last resort reach for help. Not a single person cared, asked or checked in. I know people have their own lives and things going on, which is why I don’t blame them. But I’m at a point now mentally that with already dealing with this for almost 9 months, another experience like last time will send me over the edge. My poor husband has had to take the brunt of it all, and I can’t imagine he is in high spirits either. Where I’m at now is acceptance that I might not make it out this time but I’m also panicking because I don’t know if I have time to do everything I need to and set everyone up. I’m unsure if medication can help anymore. I think a lot of my problems are situational. It’s not having a support system, not being taken seriously, life stressors and knowing I can never expect anyone to understand. It’s my husband working 12.5 hour shift work and not expecting him to carry slack outside of that. Being physically and emotionally alone. There’s just nothing I can do about any of it. Where is the line? I’m already so tired. I feel like the only reason I’m hanging on is to give my husband his daughter and my daughter her sister. Even now, I only weigh my worth in services I can provide, how good of a wife and mother I am. Otherwise what do they have to lose? I’ve already been struggling to keep up with household responsibilities, take care of myself, I can’t bring myself to sleep with my husband, I hardly play with my daughter. My family are all either estranged, moved away or enjoy keeping me around for the services I provide when I can. I don’t have friends. I’m confident my husband would be ok knowing he has friends. My daughter is almost preschool age so I know she will be ok. It’s just having to set them up just right so things don’t go wrong. I feel like I can never make everything perfect enough. When will it just be good enough?
And before anyone says anything mean, yes I was on medication before. Yes I know if I do anything to myself while pregnant and fail, it’s jail time. Yes my daughter is taken care of. My house is still clean, food is still always on the table, I still take my daughter out to parks. I am more than aware that my problems should never affect the well being of my child. I was a child who was emotionally neglected growing up and I know the consequences of that. I’m just at a point mentally that I genuinely believe everyone would be better off not having to deal with my shit anymore.