u/Apoc-kha-lypse

I (22 male) may have been sexually assaulted multiple times and now I fear physical touch from my male friends and other men. I hope you can read my story and give me advice on how to deal with the last situation:

1. When I was 11 or 12, I went to a pool alone and got groped by a middle-aged man. He used the excuse of teaching me how to dive and breathe underwater to touch my private part. He then asked for my contacts and would regularly text me, asking me if I was home alone. I never went back to the pool despite him inviting me on text, not because I was weirded out, but because I was busy studying at school. It was only when I got older that I realized how unlucky and lucky I was to have only encountered him once.

2. When I got to 13 or 14 years old, a friend of the family came to my house. I remember feeling something was off about him. He always looked at me and sat next to me at the gathering. I still remember I was wearing shorts and a tank top. He talked with me while touching and grabbing my arm, then grabbing one of my thighs and squeezing it, then squeezing my shoulders. I felt something was wrong, but I didn't know if he was being overly friendly or being a creep.

3. When I was 15 or 16, sometimes I got into trouble at school for just small problems and faced detention at the Dean's office, and most of the times, the Dean would pinch my ear with his hands. Even if I come across him at school without being in the detention room, he would still find a way to touch me. Sometimes he would pinch my belly region, or pinch my arm. I still vividly remember giving him a handshake and instead of a regular handshake he would like... give me the "intertwined-fingers" handshake that couples do. He remembered my name and would call me a "crybaby" (since the first time we met, I was crying after being bullied at school and had to the Dean's office). I felt something was wrong, but I didn't know if he was being overly friendly or being a creep. I mean, everyone else never said anything about him being a creep. If I spoke up, I might have ruined his reputation at school.

4. Last year, I was almost raped by a male friend in the friend group. We had a sleepover at a another friend's house and he was making small verbal advances on me before the sleepover but I shrugged it off as him joking. Him and I were in a room while others stayed in other rooms. I turned off the lights to sleep only to find him on top of me 10 seconds later breathing down my neck and pinning my hands down. I was so scared. He said really weird things like how good I smelled and was dry-humping me. Eventually after many of my push-backs, he backed off, and we went to sleep. In the morning, I found him on top of me and bouncing on my private part area (with clothes still on of course) while I'm still half-conscious. I was feeling so sick, and to this day still wondering if he tried anything on me when I was asleep.

5. Now, my uncle who works overseas is home for a holiday. He wants to go onto a road trip, and I happen to be free right now so he invites me. But no one else is coming, so it's just me and him. I care for my uncle and respects him a lot. I can also feel the care coming from him too. I honestly feel SICK and DISGUSTED at myself for even thinking about him this, but I'm just scared. He didn't touch me like the people I described above. He gave me normal handshakes. Just sometimes, sometimes he would lightly touch my shoulder and rest his hand on my knee (and it stays at the knee) as we are eating with the family. He'll be off to work overseas in half a month, and I wanna spend time with him, but also, I'm scared. I hate how sexual assault makes me feel weary of every single touch I have with other people.