I [31F] looking for advice about a friend [34NB] that I started “dating” seeing
I \[31F\] am in a poly relationship with my partner \[31F\] and recently started to “date” a friend \[34NB\], we already had emotional intimacy, we would text everyday (mostly about our curiosities, our interests, updating each other on things). They \[34NB\] initiated by asking about physical intimacy and wanting to share that with friends, which I was also curious about. There were flags that I dismissed (them expressing that they’re judgmental, act differently in romantic relationships, that they’ve hurt their partners before, that they’re avoidant in conflict). I recently found out from the community that there’s patterns and behaviors of isolating people and being really mean to their partners (saying things like you’re stupid, think a little, saying someone’s work is not important). I didn’t get to experience any of that which is what makes this feel so crazy and confusing to me, i DO believe everything everyone is saying because I’ve heard them \[34NB\] say things about themselves in a way that feels very arrogant and judgey. It seems like people are hearing bad things about this person, never good things.
They were a close friend of mine and now I’m having to contend with all of these things and everyone’s varying realities — mine, which wasn’t like that but i’ve seen them say mean things to my partner \[31F\] which I’ve had a conversation with them about, seen the way they get cold or short with me during “conflict”, i’ve seen them compliment me and romance me.
I told them that I’m finding things out and that I’m worried about what i’m going to hear, so they’re aware that i know things. I’m in the process of writing a letter about how i feel but i would love advice. what would you do in this situation? i dont want to be in a place of disposing someone or cutting ties cold turkey, but i don’t know if a friendship like this is good for me to have. i’m a very sweet, thoughtful, kind, and generous person (sometimes i falter, im not perfect) but im never actively mean to someone, or degraded anyone, or made someone feel small, that’s not my MO. what’s helpful to do in this context? i dont want to abandon myself in this by NOT addressing it or saying what i think because it’s at a point where things feel tough, i want to empower myself to speak my piece and tell them how things are landing for me. it doesn’t feel good in my body knowing that a friend is saying mean things to people… for what reason? it feels like there’s a values misalignment, treating people horribly is not okay with me nor do i want to be in a relationship of any kind with someone who does that. i would appreciate any sort of advice on this because i’ve never been in this situation before where it feels like someone that’s close to me is behaving in this way. i don’t think they are inherently a bad person, it seems like they are very aware of themselves but im confused as to why they do these things? and why are there these varying sides to them? were they like this with me because they wanted something or was it genuine? (i’m even getting in my head about what was “real”). i’ve known them for a year but it felt like we got close really fast, they’re not really vulnerable especially when it comes to the tough feelings, and they don’t have that many friends or communities that they’re actively engaged or a part of so i don’t want them to feel isolated or alone or by themselves but it’s also not my responsibility?
TLDR: introduced physical intimacy with a really close friend \[34NB\] that I caught feelings for and recently found out about their behaviors from the community relating to how they treat their partners and friends, isolating people, being judgmental and mean, shaking people’s self worth and their view of themselves by degrading them. I would love advice on how to address some of these things to them, to hold them accountable (idk is that naive of me?), or to at least express my thoughts. I’m not sure I can even be friends with someone who moves in this way, these are not values that i have nor do i want to be associated with someone who treats people like this.