r/Friendadvice

I have this friend who had gotten broken up with by his ex three years ago now. They were together for 18 months but knew each other for a while before. It turned out that she cheated on him and broke up with him over FaceTime. After that, didn’t hear anything from her.
Apparently he’s tried everything from therapy to getting closure and nothing seems to work. He claims to still be in love with the version of her that he was with and not the current person she is now. I’m trying to help him but I’m not sure what to do. What advice could I give him?

Strap in folks, this might be a long one.

I have a best friend, both of us 30f, who I've known for almost two decades. This friendship has felt pretty one-sided for a while if I'm being honest. When she was going through a tough time for over a year and didn't want to be home alone, I would go to her house several nights a week and stay with her, sometimes spending the night.

I stopped doing as much when I realized she wasn't really reciprocating anything. I needed a ride to the airport, she was too tired, even though she had already agreed to take me a week or so earlier. I was always going to her house, she never came to mine. She would rant about what was going on in her life and didn't seem to care about what was going on in mine.

Recently, she's been going through a really bad breakup. The problem is that I didn't even know she was in a relationship. Apparently for the past 18 months or so, she has been in a secret relationship and didn't tell me because she "didn't want me to judge her". She has told everything to her cousin and even brought the guy to family events, but kept it from me the entire time. The only reason she told me now is because he ghosted her and she needs support.

Is it bad that sometimes I want to tell her to go cry to her cousin? I feel so petty but I'm kinda hurt. I've gone over a few times after the breakup, but I've realized it's not because she wants to spend time with me, she just doesn't want to be alone. After keeping me in the dark for so long, suddenly that guy is all she wants to talk about.

Idk, I'm rambling at this point. I guess my question is this: Am I overreacting by being hurt/annoyed that my best friend kept something from me for so long and now won't shut up about it?

I \[31F\] am in a poly relationship with my partner \[31F\] and recently started to “date” a friend \[34NB\], we already had emotional intimacy, we would text everyday (mostly about our curiosities, our interests, updating each other on things). They \[34NB\] initiated by asking about physical intimacy and wanting to share that with friends, which I was also curious about. There were flags that I dismissed (them expressing that they’re judgmental, act differently in romantic relationships, that they’ve hurt their partners before, that they’re avoidant in conflict). I recently found out from the community that there’s patterns and behaviors of isolating people and being really mean to their partners (saying things like you’re stupid, think a little, saying someone’s work is not important). I didn’t get to experience any of that which is what makes this feel so crazy and confusing to me, i DO believe everything everyone is saying because I’ve heard them \[34NB\] say things about themselves in a way that feels very arrogant and judgey. It seems like people are hearing bad things about this person, never good things.

They were a close friend of mine and now I’m having to contend with all of these things and everyone’s varying realities — mine, which wasn’t like that but i’ve seen them say mean things to my partner \[31F\] which I’ve had a conversation with them about, seen the way they get cold or short with me during “conflict”, i’ve seen them compliment me and romance me.

I told them that I’m finding things out and that I’m worried about what i’m going to hear, so they’re aware that i know things. I’m in the process of writing a letter about how i feel but i would love advice. what would you do in this situation? i dont want to be in a place of disposing someone or cutting ties cold turkey, but i don’t know if a friendship like this is good for me to have. i’m a very sweet, thoughtful, kind, and generous person (sometimes i falter, im not perfect) but im never actively mean to someone, or degraded anyone, or made someone feel small, that’s not my MO. what’s helpful to do in this context? i dont want to abandon myself in this by NOT addressing it or saying what i think because it’s at a point where things feel tough, i want to empower myself to speak my piece and tell them how things are landing for me. it doesn’t feel good in my body knowing that a friend is saying mean things to people… for what reason? it feels like there’s a values misalignment, treating people horribly is not okay with me nor do i want to be in a relationship of any kind with someone who does that. i would appreciate any sort of advice on this because i’ve never been in this situation before where it feels like someone that’s close to me is behaving in this way. i don’t think they are inherently a bad person, it seems like they are very aware of themselves but im confused as to why they do these things? and why are there these varying sides to them? were they like this with me because they wanted something or was it genuine? (i’m even getting in my head about what was “real”). i’ve known them for a year but it felt like we got close really fast, they’re not really vulnerable especially when it comes to the tough feelings, and they don’t have that many friends or communities that they’re actively engaged or a part of so i don’t want them to feel isolated or alone or by themselves but it’s also not my responsibility?

TLDR: introduced physical intimacy with a really close friend \[34NB\] that I caught feelings for and recently found out about their behaviors from the community relating to how they treat their partners and friends, isolating people, being judgmental and mean, shaking people’s self worth and their view of themselves by degrading them. I would love advice on how to address some of these things to them, to hold them accountable (idk is that naive of me?), or to at least express my thoughts. I’m not sure I can even be friends with someone who moves in this way, these are not values that i have nor do i want to be associated with someone who treats people like this.