I suspect this is because I'm still in my 20s (26) and because I've had 2 minor accidents in the past 3 years they deemed I was at fault for (despite that being questionable). Now my insurance is an entire $430, which is insane for a Toyota Corolla. This is with Progressive, and State Farm quoted me the same.
Am I just screwed for a while?
It was so hard to start. I was terrified, because this was the thing everyone told me to do. This was supposed to be *it*. But I wondered what it would mean if it wasn't. I wondered what would happen if my last resort failed.
Therapy is going nowhere. Sessions meander. I wanted to trust this elusive secret sauce, this mysterious thing that makes therapy so powerful. I gave it my all even when it was hard and my voice wavered. It's done nothing for me. My therapist practically ran away from today's session after doing small talk for half an hour, and it hurt me so deeply I spent the rest of my day in bed.
I don't understand. I need to be fixed, I need someone with more knowledge and experience to take what I tell them and FIX ME. I can't do it by myself. But it's starting to feel like this is a bunch of voodoo mumbo jumbo. It feels like a conspiracy theory, like you're just there to vent until you feel better and do it again the following week.
I'm feeling so lost and hopeless. I feel like there's nothing for me, that I'm just here to suffer forever. What do I even do? I'm spiraling.
Edit: thanks everyone. I'm just... feeling scary feelings right now, I hope you'll forgive me being harsh. It's not my intention to be mean.
I'm not sure how to phrase this question well. Let me explain.
For a very long time, I resented my vaginismus. It made me feel less than human for denying me this basic human experience, this thing everyone does and desires, this undercurrent of society. I felt undesirable, I felt rejected by all the people who called me broken, unlovable, unfuckable. I felt resentful for the awful things they told me I needed to do to compensate. And I just felt so... unsatisfied. Sex was so, so boring to me, I viewed it as uninteresting and inferior to what everyone *actually* wants and does. I couldn't get off at all, because the thought was just painful.
Then I had a sudden... shift. I'd been thinking hypothetically, but I asked myself what I'd really do if I was magically cured tomorrow. I thought that, if I woke up and somehow didn't have this anymore, I'd be downloading tinder the same minute and looking for someone to fuck. I didn't think it was about purity or love, I felt it was this thing I'd been denied against my will, and that I just wanted to feel like a person. Who cares, just let this be over, just let me be normal.
But that's not exactly what happened. Instead, it felt so threatening. What do you mean I can just do it now? After everything? It felt foreign, it felt unsafe. The version of sex I resented as inferior suddenly felt more like home. Because I realized I couldn't pretend none of that happened. All the trauma, all the rejection and hate; it would live with me forever. And for me to just move on like none of it happened would feel like a betrayal to myself. I have this condition, people have viewed me as lesser, and it's a part of who I am. To overlook that like it's nothing would feel like admitting they were right, that I was broken and inferior and that I needed to fix myself to earn love and be a person.
These are very new feelings I've been dealing with the past week or so. Does anyone else feel sort of similarly? How have you made sense of it?