u/Apprehensive-Gap-602

i think i’m not ready to quit porn because if i quit, that means sex with a real person would be the only way to satisfy the sexual urge and intimacy i crave. and im too scared to have sex with a real person because im too insecure with myself.

i’m not a virgin, i was abused sexually as a kid, didn’t have sex again until i left for college and got addicted to hooking up with random guys. stopped because i felt like shit about it and then slipped into a depression that i haven’t recovered from.

i’ve tried going on dates too because it seems like everyone’s so self absorbed. last date i went on, the guy said he loved getting compliments from people only to shut them down by saying he wasn’t interested, he just loved the attention. guy before him would talk about his ex’s and his type in men (which i did not fit the description). i’m tired of dating, im tired of feeling like shit, i’m tired of giving into stupid addiction all because im lonely as shit and can’t/don’t know how to deal with it. i don’t want to hate my life but i do.

idk where else to put this really

i've been watching porn since i was probably like 7, didn't really get into it until i was like 12. i was sexually abused at
12. it lasted 6 months. i am 20 years old. i used to drink a lot, stopped because it because inaccessible and now i'm terrified of turning 21. i was neglected as a kid, big immediate family but literally grew up alone. i had to cook for myself, i had to shop and work a job for myself, get myself to/from school.

sometimes i feel like i don't have a personality. like i'm just some random npc who spawned in, no memories of the past. this feels like it happened to someone else, like i'm remembering a movie i watched as a kid.