u/Appropriate-Fan3613

I am 29 F, Indian. I was supposed to get married to my bf this year. Due to some misunderstandings and I being a little loud in a conversation with his father, the family has become very negative. My bf has been pushing them. Trying hard to convince them but they are not ready to budge. I am going to have conversation with his mother too but I don't think it's going to helo in any way. I was loud but there was a genuine reason. No one is trying to understand my perspective. His parents are very egoistic but I don't want to leave my bf. What should I do?

Edit: I already have said sorry to his father but they are not ready to let go of it. My reason was that I simply expected him to be respectful to my parents. I was not shouting at him. I was requesting but I was having anxiety attacks at that time and therefore my voice became a little loud.

I (29F, Indian) really need honest and practical advice because I feel emotionally exhausted and unable to think clearly anymore.

I’m supposed to marry my long-term boyfriend later this year. We genuinely love each other, which is why this entire situation is hurting so much.

Recently, I went with him and his parents for wedding shopping. I’m naturally introverted and had only met his family once before this, so I was quiet, polite, smiling, nodding, and trying to adjust. I was also physically unwell during the trip.

During lehenga shopping, I noticed something that deeply affected me. Whenever we looked at affordable options, his mother was cheerful and engaged. But when I liked something slightly expensive, her entire energy changed. She became visibly quiet and uncomfortable. Nobody directly said anything, but both me and my family could clearly sense that money was the issue.

I even started considering choosing something cheaper because I didn’t want anyone to feel burdened.

But later, instead of openly discussing the budget, she complained to my boyfriend that I “don’t talk enough” and “won’t mix with relatives in future.” Suddenly the whole atmosphere became tense and negative.

I already felt judged and unwelcome, and all of this triggered severe anxiety attacks for me. I was physically shaking and crying constantly.

Things escalated further when my father called his father politely to sort things out. His father is honestly a very ego-driven person, and this was not the first time he spoke rudely or taunted my father during conversations.

This is a huge trigger for me because I grew up watching my maternal grandparents not get proper respect from my father’s side of the family. So whenever I feel my parents are being disrespected because of me, I completely break emotionally.

In that state of panic and guilt, I told my boyfriend maybe we should end the marriage. I have said similar things before too, but only during situations where I felt my parents were insulted.

Later, my mother suggested both families meet face-to-face before we left the city so things could calm down. During that meeting, I genuinely apologized multiple times to his mother.

But instead of things softening, I felt cornered, grilled, taunted, and blamed continuously. At one point, my tone became slightly raised unknowingly because I was emotionally overwhelmed and trying not to cry.

From that moment onward, they started calling me rude, dominating, egoistic, and disrespectful.

What hurt me most was this:

My boyfriend barely defended me or stopped the grilling even though he could clearly see my mental state.

His perspective is that he was already hurt because I had suggested ending the marriage again, and because he had specifically asked me never to raise my voice while talking to his father.

Now things are extremely complicated.

His parents seem completely against me and believe I may divorce him in the future if conflicts happen. My boyfriend says he loves me, but he has lost confidence in the marriage because he worries I won’t be able to stay calm during future family conflicts.

The truth is:

I genuinely respect his parents and I am willing to maintain a loving relationship with them. But after this experience, I honestly do not think I can live in a joint family setup with them long-term without losing my mental peace.

I suggested compromises like:

\- separate floors,

\- duplexes,

\- nearby flats,

so everyone remains connected while still having emotional space.

But he feels conflicted because he does not want to hurt his parents.

A few other things that worry me:

\- My boyfriend usually postpones difficult conversations and avoids directly confronting his father.

\- His mother often seems to present situations to the father in a one-sided way.

\- His sister (who is my age) strongly believes women should simply “adjust” in marriage no matter what.

At this point, I genuinely do not trust his family emotionally.

I feel guilty, heartbroken, and deeply confused because we do love each other.

So I really want honest opinions:

\- Am I actually the problem here?

\- Am I too emotionally reactive/sensitive?

\- Are these genuine long-term red flags?

\- Can a marriage survive if one partner avoids difficult confrontations and prioritizes family harmony over emotional safety?

\- Is it unreasonable for me to want a separate living arrangement after all this?

Please be practical and brutally honest, but kind.