I (27F) got physical with my bf (41M) Has anyone ever felt shame for something like this? What can I do?
Edit: I feel like I possibly did not convey this well enough but I agree it’s not okay. I do not think this behavior is acceptable of me no matter the circumstances and that’s why I want to change…also therapy is not an option. I went to therapy in the past and that caused issues between us so he does not want me going now. I tried a couple weeks ago and even tried to go on meds. This part is not an excuse just context but I have diagnosed bipolar disorder but do not take any medication per his request.
Edit #2: For some context it isn’t always one sided. About 4 months ago he got blackout drunk and got really mean. I was trying to put him to bed and he started yelling at me. He told me he wished me and the baby were dead. He later pushed me off the bed onto the floor and when I tried to leave he put me in chokehold. I do not hold this against him at all cause he was not there but I think that’s why he is “okay” with this behavior.
Today I screamed at my boyfriend that I hated him and I hit him. I feel sick with guilt and shame.
He immediately forgave me and apologized for his part in the argument, but I’m struggling because I know my actions were not okay. This also isn’t the first time. About a year ago during another situation, I pushed/shoved him and hit him for a couple minutes. I hated myself afterward and promised myself I’d never do it again.
Last week I felt the urge to get physical during an argument and I actively stopped myself. Today I couldn’t stop it. For a second I could feel it coming and had control over it, then I lost it.
Today is also my brother’s birthday. He passed away 3 years ago, and emotionally this time of year is hard. I’m also 8 months pregnant. I’m mentioning those things because I think that is why he was nice to me about it….
My boyfriend told me it was “okay,” forgave me immediately, and even apologized himself. Part of me worries he’s accepting behavior that shouldn’t be accepted because he knows I’m grieving and pregnant.
I love him deeply. I’m grateful for him. I also know if he treated me this way, I would not think it was okay.
I feel ashamed and scared because I don’t want to be someone who hurts people when overwhelmed or angry. Has anyone dealt with something similar? What did you do to stop it from happening again?