u/Appropriate_Will6311

Someone I went to school with recently posted in a local facebook group about how they are prepping for a massage competition and have a discount on their services leading up to it. They specify that it's not a therapeutic massage and that it's to practice their flow for the competition. They claim their "work" has cemented themselves as one of the best in the state.. based on the amount of competitions they've one.

It just rubs me the wrong way, to me, massage is about healing. What is the point of recieving a massage from a therapist if your relaxation/relief means nothing and the therapist is just trying to make it look unique/pretty to someone ELSE watching. The whole thing feels so phony.

You're not one of the best therapists in the state for winning massage competitions and I'd go as far to say there is no such thing as a "best massage therapist". Maybe more experienced or very strong in certain modalities but what clients enjoy or get out of a massage is so subjective.

Trigger warning for mentions of CSA, sex, death, drugs, physical & emotional abuse.

Hi everyone, this is something I've been grappling with since I was 13 years old, I am 22 now. This is really long but I think it's necessary to get the full picture.

When I was 13, I remember having my first dream that my grandpa sexually abused me, it was extremely traumatic and felt very real. I was a toddler in the dream, probably about 4. I don't wanna go into the details but I was scared of him for months after. I remember telling my neighborhood friend at the time about the dream. Her mom was really close with my mom, my friend told me that my her mom told her that my mom's sister (my aunt) had accused him of childhood sexual abuse as an adult. This terrified me even worse (obviously), I brought it up to my mom eventually and she attributed it to a manic episode (my aunt was bipolar, she passed away almost two years ago from a meth overdose). As I got older, I would have these dreams every few months and it was only ever my grandpa.

I just had one the other night but for the first time I was an adult. I was staying at my grandparents house. It started with my aunt walking into the house, everyone was so happy to see her because they hadn't see her in so long. I rember she was wearing bright yellow. I immediately asked her if my grandpa sexually abused her (for some reason) and I can't remember what she said. Then it was night time, I was with my boyfriend in a "sexy" outfit getting ready to be intimate with him, and then my grandpa led me to his room. He started touching me and I remember just being scared and fawning, trying to appease him but he took it too far and I freaked out. I told everyone about this, I blew up and started screaming that he was abusing me. No one believed me.

I started thinking back to my childhood and remembering being weird with kids at that age. I would teach them sexual stuff and do sexual stuff with them, I did some things that are really disturbing and weird for a kid to know and I don't really want to get into them here.

Sex became a major issue when I started dating my first boyfriend at sixteen. Not to be graphic but he couldn't even get a finger in until a few months of dating and it took around a year to be able to have penetrative sex. Sometimes I get freaked out during sex and just feel sick and out of my body, sometimes I even start crying. It just starts to feel uncomfortable and wrong. I still have not gotten a pap smear out of intense fear that I'm going to breakdown and that it will be painful.

I think what is worse is that I love my grandfather, he is truly the best grandpa you could ask for, he brought me and my sister on so many adventures as a kid. He is always so loving and supportive to this day. I just can't imagine him doing that, but when I have the dreams it feels so real. I don't have any actual memories of being sexually abused but I do remember he would get on top of me and tickle me really badly and I would beg him to stop, it was not enjoyable. I just remembered this not too long ago and it just felt... weird. I know my mom was parentified as a young kid and that my grandpa frequently beat her but when I look at him I could never imagine him doing that. I have such bad cognitive dissonance.

The thing is, I have a history of physical and mental abuse from both of my parents, violence is something I remember a lot from my childhood. Maybe it could be that trauma manifesting as CSA? Or maybe it wasn't my grandfather and some other older male figure and my grandpa is just a fill-in?

I've brought it up to multiple therapists and they just brush it off and don't take it seriously. It's really upsetting. I thought I had a flashback when I was staying at a residential mental health facility, I brought it up but they treated it like it was psychosis from my Bipolar.. maybe it was? I'm not sure.

This is kind of a vent but kind of a question too, can I be sexually abused as a child and not remember the actual event?