I don't want to be this way anymore
24M here. my first and only relationship did not end well, and a good chunk of it is my fault. We initially decided to be friends, and she really tried to negotiate out of the two of us breaking up, but in the end we decided to separate and try to be friends because it might probably have been for the best.
The part I feel the most guilty about is that even when I was struggling she tried her level best to give. To be around indirectly and to help me out in the ways she could while still keeping the weather extreme boundaries I set. And I couldn't let my guilt go. The voice of fear and anxiety kept whispering in my ear, convincing me that every small but of distance was a sign it was too late. That she'd been hurt by the distance and was pulling away too in order to protect herself.
Eventually, the spirals got worse and worse, and I kept freezing up trying to decide how to communicate. Even sending reels seemed a violation of the boundary when she asked for space until i stopped making contact entirely. She seemed pissed and tired, but never really said anything, and I hate that even though I claim I cared, I still ended up testing her again and again when I went quiet. It feels like all I can do is freeze and run away. Regardless of my intent or my struggles, I know it wasn't right to go dead silent and to push that into her.
I.... Don't know how to let go of this. I'm not sure how much of the conflict or the care was in my own head, and how much of it was real. I reached out to try and figure things out, but she's busy and won't be available. I know I was wrong not to communicate, I just wish I knew how to make amends. In the end, she didn't hurt me, not originally. Fear overcame me and I didn't know what to do or how to act, both blindly following and ignoring the advice I received because by then I was so confused and stuck I stopped thinking critically.
I've started therapy at least, and for now I'm giving her her space. I just hope it's the right thing to do