A non-exhaustive list of tennis player types I have encountered during intermediate tournaments.
In my many years travelling to compete in the lowest level of tennis ever recorded by man, I have come across a wide variety of players and characters and today I feel like sharing some of them with you. If there’s any you identify with or some you want to add to the list then feel free! This is by no means exhaustive. The following summaries are meant in good humour because they all play their part in making this such an entertaining way to spend life! Anyway, on to the list!
The Pusher
The Pusher has legendary status amongst amateur tennis players and rightfully so. They are the one type of player no one ever wants to face, the one who makes your heart sink when you see their name with yours. The great irony is that Pushers don’t even like themselves. When they lose, they will speak at length about how they need to play more aggressively, you take this with a pinch of salt as they’d been saying the same for the past ten years. They may turn up to a tournament excited about the new topspin forehand they’ve been working on or a new serve. This will last precisely until the first unforced error when some switch flips in their brains and it’s back to pushing. Bonus point if they’re also terrible line callers to ensure maximum misery for their opponents.
The Grinder
The Grinder is one of the most infuriating types of people to play. For ten months of the year, they will not exist, gone, a name whispered on the wind like a lost love. Then the tournaments start and bang, there they are. What makes them infuriating is that they will pick up exactly where they left off. They won’t have the best strokes, or the best movement but they will find a way to win every, damned, time. They will come off court telling you how they’re dying from a wedding last night in another time zone where they drank nothing but paint stripper and yet they’ll grind out the win. You will nod and smile the smile of a man trying to work out which large body of water you’re going to throw yourself into first.
The Doughboy
This is an obscure history one because where did the Doughboys tend to hang out? No Man’s land! And that’s where you’ll find this guy. There are two distinct types though; there is the elite Doughboy who stands back to give himself space to move forward, to pick his spot, who can take the wings off a fly with a volley. Then there is the other, more common type. They know they should be at the net but, afraid of being hit by a fluffy green ball travelling at the speed of snail they will stand a metre further back thinking this 0.02 of a second difference helps. This is a doubles specialist and expect to see their partner gradually lose their mind as every shot is hit at the Doughboy’s feet or they dump volleys into the net that definitely would have gone over if they’d stood where they were supposed to in the first place!
The Cowboy
Everyone knows Cowboys. Cowboys always have a pistol and they’re pretty good at using it. The Cowboy has a weapon; it might be a bombing first serve or a cracking backhand. They may hit the sweetest dropshots known to man or have a running backhand to match Nadal. However, while the Cowboy is pretty good with his pistol, he’s not so good with a katana, or a cruise missile. So it is with the Cowboy. Get past their weapon and you’ll find the rest of their game ranges from ‘average’ to ‘absolute cheeks’. They will still grind out wins, especially against people who fear their weapon is indicative of the rest of their game but will almost always lose to their mates because they know that once you return that elite serve, the next shot is hitting the back fence.
The Ace
This type of player was much more common before tournaments were split into talent tiers. Before this change, there was always the chance you would be matched to the Ace. The Ace has been playing since he was four, he has a natural talent for it. He plays like the guys on TV do. You will spend the match wildly spraying balls left and right as even the Ace’s slowest, gentlest shot has more spin than a helicopter blade and you will have never faced the like. You will inevitably lose but you may even win a few games because the Ace is almost always a nice guy who won’t get out of first year to beat you. This is the one match of yours that all your mates want to see but it’s because they want to watch the Ace in action, not your sorry arse.
The Optimist
The Optimist could fit into any of the categories on this list, but they need their own label for one simple reason. When a tournament is broken into tiers, the Optimist will always put his name into the top band. This is the land of Aces but there amongst them will be the Optimist. His record will be a sea of red but he will endure, because he says that playing better people is the only way to learn. You will wonder what he’s learning when he spends most of the match facing the back fence picking up balls to feed back to his opponent for the next burst of aces/winners. They will never make it past the first round, making you wonder why he didn’t just throw his entry money into the sea. At least it might have made a fisherman’s day that way.
The Statue
Another doubles specialist, the Statue will almost always be an elder player. They will almost always be paired with someone who does a lot of running which is good because they will be doing A LOT of running. Any shot in their hitting range will be dispatched effectively which is just as well because you will spend the match wondering why their shoes have been welded to the court. Shots down the line, over their heads or even in front of them will be met with calls of “Yours!” while their partner desperately tries to cover a doubles court and wonder why they said yes to this yet again.
The Labrador
The Labrador is a ray of sunshine. They will turn up to matches with a smile and they leave the court with that same smile, no matter what happened in between. Winning 6-0, 6-0? Happy smile! Losing 0-6, 0-6? Happy smile! The Labrador just loves playing tennis, no matter the conditions, no matter how badly it’s going. The Labrador is the antithesis of the Challenger, who treats every match like it’s Mortal Kombat while the Labrador is just enjoying being out of the house and getting to run around. They will often win a lot of matches too because they don’t get tight in the big moments and they’re not really bothered about being 1-5 down. Everyone wants to have the Labrador’s attitude, but it seems more of a calling than a mentality so none will reach their level of true enlightenment.
The Limboer
Limbo is the idea of being stuck between two states but never truly one or the other. That is the curse of the Limboer. They will most likely have come to the sport in their late teens or early twenties and they will be very good, great even. They clearly have a natural talent and can sweep intermediate players aside like nobody’s business. This will bar them from those levels in tournaments as they’re clearly too good. However, because they haven’t been coached from the age of 3, they will never reach the level of the Ace. And so they are stuck, too good for the mid-level tiers and not good enough for the top-level, doomed to forever be quarter and semi-finalists in unbanded tournaments. It’s hard to feel sorry for them though as they inevitably hand you your arse on a plate for the tenth time.
The Mouth
The Mouth can fit into any other of the categories above in terms of playing style but what really makes them stand out is the chatter. By god of almighty, they will not shut up. At every change of ends, they will want you know your name, how long you’ve been playing, have you had to come far and what you think of the courts. They may continue to chatter between points as well, letting you know their serve isn’t normally this good or the chap playing on the court beside you is a jolly good bridge player as well. Sometimes this will be a cynical attempt to throw you off your game but 95% of the time, the Mouth just loves a good natter. You know there’s no harm in it but you will still grit your teeth as you try to focus on how you’re going to serve the set out while drowning out how well the hyacinths are doing in this lovely weather.
The Storyteller
Again, the storyteller is rather unique because unlike the rest of these categories, they will not make themselves known until after the match is over. Even then, you may miss it because if you’ve lost then you will not see the true colours of the Storyteller. It is only if you’ve won that they truly shine. While packing up your kit, they will regale you of the tale of woe that has led them to ultimately losing this match. It may be the wind has impacted their serve, or the sun was in the wrong place, the courts may have robbed them of their biggest weapons or a touch of rain neutralised their movement. Bonus point if the match is being played on their HOME COURTS and therefore all the above should be something they’re used to. The Storyteller may mention your performance in passing but only to highlight how their lack of sleep really hurt them today and next time it’ll be different. Especially grating if you’ve just won a close three set match and they make it sound like it only happened because they had a bad day at work.
