u/Artemia1224

I just got triggered by a post & wanted to write smth. I was 8 when I saw my father for the last time. Didn't know it would be the last time. My mother didn't have a good relationship w my dad so I was scared to ask her where he was, what he was doing etc. I got to ask her last year. She told me he was in jail for a pre-sale housing fraud worth tens of millions of dollars. Due to the absence of a father, I got daddy issues which led to hypersexuality. I started talking to older men in their 30~50s online. I felt so relieved whenever I got their validation/praise bc it meant atleast someone wanted me. The things they said made me feel like I was nothing without my body. I kept sexualising myself for them. Since I was 10. I turn 18 in 5 months. Even thinking about being legally an adult makes me feel so expired & want to kms. I was never able to picture myself over 18 anyways. I always had this weird gut feeling I would never make it to 18.

I watched the marvel series for the first time five months ago. As I watched the whole series, I got really attached to Tony Stark. I often created an attachment to fictional characters but the one with him was nothing like those. I saw him as the father figure I never had. Right after crying my eyes out at endgame, I looked up ways to cope with the gut-wrenching feeling. I tried everything. Avoiding any media that had to do with marvel, trying to accept my feelings, crying while watching the death scene again, reading fan-fictions about an alternative ending where he doesn't die, distracting myself with other stuff, giving it some time, talking about this w my therapist etc. Nothing worked & I actually got physically ill from all the stress. Ik it's just a fictional character but I can't control this sadness. Can anybody share a way that helped getting over his death?

*please ignore any grammatical errors.