u/Artistic-Cherry6618

Hi,

I’ve been seriously considering starting EMDR because I’ve realized I have deeply rooted relationship patterns with men, and the more I think about it, the more I feel like it comes from my childhood and the dynamic I had with the men around me, especially my father and brother.

I grew up with a lot of judgment, criticism, invalidation, and comments that made me feel like who I was was never “the right person.” Today, it shows up as a lot of self-sabotage whenever I’m interested in a man, whether it’s something that could become serious or something more casual. Obviously, it also doesn’t help that I continuously find myself drawn to emotionally avoidant men.

It’s like, before I even give the other person the chance to choose, my brain already concludes: “he’s not really going to want you.” So I anticipate rejection and end up shutting down, pulling away, or sabotaging the situation myself. In my mind, it almost feels “easier” to make the decision before they do.

The problem is that even though I intellectually understand where this probably comes from, my body/emotional reflex still reacts the same way.

So I’m wondering if EMDR can actually help with this kind of relational wound and defense mechanisms, especially when it’s not necessarily one “big trauma,” but rather years of repeated smaller experiences.

Also, I have relatively few clear childhood memories related to this. I have a handful of specific examples, but it feels like a lot of it is blurry or completely erased from my memory. Has anyone still had good results with EMDR despite that?

I’d really appreciate hearing about other people’s experiences or thoughts.

I’ve realized lately that I have a really hard time being vulnerable with men, even in casual dating situations. Not even in a super deep emotional way, but just in being authentic and spontaneous.

I’m constantly filtering myself. Holding back. Thinking too much before sending a text. Stopping myself from double texting because I don’t want to seem “too interested.” Trying to make sure the other person never thinks I want more than casual, even when I genuinely enjoy sex with them.

And I’m starting to wonder if that mindset actually makes things feel emptier than they need to be.

For example, there’s a guy I hooked up with a few times last year and the chemistry was honestly some of the best I’ve ever had. We both said we wanted to see each other again, but life happened and it faded out. Sometimes I still get the urge to text him something around “I miss sleeping with you” or “I miss the chemistry we had.”

But then I stop myself because I start overthinking:
“Does that sound too attached?”
“Is that weird to say in casual dating?”
“Am I breaking some unspoken rule?”

And logically I know there are no actual rules. But it feels like casual dating comes with this pressure to always seem detached, chill, unbothered, etc. And I think that’s where I get confused sometimes, because missing a specific connection or chemistry doesn’t automatically mean I want something serious with that person. I’ve hooked up with other people since, and it mostly just made me realize how rare really good our sexual chemistry actually is.

I guess I’m wondering:
Do you think being vulnerable/authentic in casual dating actually makes connections better? Or does it usually just make people lose interest?