u/Artistic-Leopard7991

So… back in judicial committee of course I came forward about incident happen once. I just got reinstated last year. But I realize my problem is a normal problem I honestly wanted to find some one worth dating for long time. But I don’t want to date a witness. And one guy I was suppose marry but he turn out to be a monster with his personality and I gave him time to change. Then one guy didn’t make fun of me or didn’t pressure for sex. We started out doing public outings . He didn’t make fun of me or pressure me regarding sex but it took one time being vulnerable thinking maybe he could be the one. So i decided to end things and tell elders and of course they made me wait whole month for judicial committee. My story won’t change but they say it’s procedural to be present in front of them. But seriously, I don’t know if I want to be a witness again? I thought about disassociating but I still like the hall and pray I just don’t like the rules of trying to live up to be a perfect jw. It’s like I can’t like anyone And it’s always ministry ministry… pray pray… read… read… studying… I don’t mind preaching, but I haven’t been in a while. I been in the truth since 16 years old ever since I was disfellowship I haven’t felt the same about the hall. I don’t put others down infact I barely hang out with anyone at the all. I’m just feel lost. I want more friends tho. I have no friends and no joy in my life.

So I went to elders confess to them that I was in a serious relationship towards marriage to a worldly guy. Me and the guy started off slow. He bought me Tv and a bed set before we even did anything major together. He was sweet and treating out on dates and I love that. He cook for me and we went out publicly etc. he stay over and we just cuddle with me. And I told him when we get married we can do the other stuff. It’s wasn’t til second time he gave over we slept good but in the morning he took advantage of me. I told him no and he kept going. I was distraught because it was my fault for trusting too much and letting him come over. I told no more over nights at my place then valentine day came he apologized and ask for another chance like a dummy I went out but nothing was happening physically.

When I saw he change into being more calmer and respectful I let my guard down and allow he to come over. At that point,! we start talking about hurt feelings and what to do going forward since I just got reinstated last year I was thinking of getting in trouble again but I knew I was to be in a relationship that’s stable.. Well looks like I might be right back out probably. But I did stop the relationship afterwards when I saw it wasn’t going to where I thought it could be better. I just had in my mind marrying so I won’t get in trouble but didn’t go as plan.

The guy harass me to no end asking for his gifts back etc. so I finally told him I had a bf and in a relationship and he stop calling. But the new guy, I didn’t know long enough. He started off nice as well. He didn’t push for sex we have water ice and went to the park and went separate ways then he ask to come over I said no! He ask me to come over his hotel since he was living there til his place get ready at first I said no! Then he suggest let’s eat pizza and take a walk or watch game at hotel. I’m thinking no sex but sure he seems to respect me so far. We hug 2 hours later he cuddle and hour later he started smooching on my back I stop him! He stop and talk to me saying stop projecting bad thoughts on him. He won’t hurt me blah blah that point let my guard down. Next day, I told him I’m made a mistake it’s not going work. I feel like a complete failure and gave myself time to fix my issue but a sister who claims she never did anything wrong from her youth up and always did things jehovah even when tempted. Told me get myself together and go to them although I never confuse anything I her but I told her what does dissociation mean and it’s it the same as dr. I talk to elders of course they thank me share scripture so a following meeting then probably another meeting). I dont want relive everything told then the basics which they going ask how many times. I don’t know what to do but I wanted to be honest I’m not in good standing just been batting urges and feelings of loneliness and no having good support friends. The sister who told me to tell elders never invited me anywhere really but always call to check on me. I just stay alone to myself for a well.

So I kinda check out mentally from the hall. But I still don’t mind going and listening. I just got reinstated last year from being df for 4 years. I struggle with being a single woman and wanting a relationships I desire that. I don’t feel like men at the hall my type. And there is so many stipulations about being pioneer and good standing. I don’t like to pretend so I been quietly fading just doing zoom. But I had 2 bfs.

One was rape cause I told him no and he still keep going. But it was my fault for having him over but at the time he was nice and I thought I can bring to hall cause he said he wanted to know God and I was happy. So I keep seeing him go few days without talking, but I stop him form coming over. Then 2 months later I went online started to talking indicate I don’t want any sexual. He agree he took me a walk and had ice cream. Then he said he staying at hotel and I said no I will not comes then next said whatever to get a bit to eat and some wine and I said where you going have wine at? He said I can bring a bottle. I said you not coming to my place. Then he said I going hotel I expect anything we eat and watch tv and I plan to hang for little then go do rideshare. But later it took a turn where he made a move on me first and I stop him but then he said listen I like you and it’s not just about sex and ask some maybe questions about life, then cuddle me then next … the rest happen. Then next day I told him it’s not going work out. I say his text dry and less engaging. And I block him.

My issue is I’m not in good standing but j haven’t be active at all. I haven’t felt like I belong there. I get no invites before and have friends and don’t go out. Loneliness and boredom. I really don’t want to seat through committee either. I don’t mind talking I’m not in good standing but I don’t know rather I fade or fix my issue or be called no longer a witness which they will probably do it anyway. It wasn’t a long history with this men. Afterwards I stopped. So has anyone been in this situation before? I’m sure they grill on questions I’m not ready to ask. I’m always alone will be permanent alone once they remove me.