u/Artistic_Republic849

3lch dzair na9sa f sexual culture ga3 kima hak?

I lowkey carry so much sadness inside me. I'm a 23 year old gay born and raised in a country where being different is illegal, and for years I've hated myself in ways I can barely explain. There's this constant heaviness in me. I feel broken. Less than other people. Like something went wrong when I was made

When I look at straight people my age, I feel this overwhelming jealousy, they talk about love, marriage, building families, living openly, having dreams they can chase without fear, they move through life so naturally, so comfortably inside themselves, then I look back at myself and I see someone hiding all the time, someone exhausted from pretending, someone who feels like he'll never fully stand on his own feet

Depression became my home almost comforting I don't really have close friends, I'm constantly afraid of assumptions, afraid people will notice something in me, afraid that if I express myself honestly or show my interests, I'll be judged. On the outside people think I'm doing well, I graduated college, I got a good corporate job, I don't drink, I don't do drugs, people probably see me as successful, but inside I feel empty and deeply lonely

Tonight at 3am, I keep asking myself how long am I going to keep hiding? How long will I keep trying to fit in, trying to act normal, trying to become someone I'm not just so I can survive? Sometimes I wonder why I don't relate to other men around me. Why I don't share the same interests or energy why I always feel out of place

Earlier today I walked past a stadium full of people my age playing football, joking around, enjoying themselves freely and I felt intense jealousy they looked comfortable in their identities comfortable in the world. And all I could think was why was I built differently? Why do I have to live inside this closet that feels more like a prison?

Whenever I remember that I'm attracted to men I feel disgust toward myself I feel ashamed I feel lonely, recently I've even started questioning existence itself I left islam and became more of a deist. I don't really feel passionate about anything anymore honestly, sometimes all I want is to wake up straight to wake up normal, to live without fear, to simply exist without constantly monitoring myself

I don't think people talk enough about how painful the gay experience can be, especially outside the west. people online often reduce LGBT life to rainbows, freedom, pride, support, joy, self expression, but sadly for many of us living in the global south, it can feel mentally, emotionally, socially, and even physically devastating some of us grow up learning to fear ourselves before we even understand who we are

Sometimes I wish I had never been born sometimes I blame my parents sometimes I obsess over wanting an explanation, I want to know what makes people gay, why it happens, how it happens, I want answers for every thought haunting me because my mind never rests, I feel anxious all the time I overthink constantly I feel trapped inside myself

And maybe the saddest part is that I don't even hate other gay people I just hate being me, I hate what this life feels like where I live, I hate feeling like I have to split myself in half every single day just to survive

I know this sounds emotional, but this is really the way I feel, I feel like I'm drowning silently while everyone around me assumes I'm okay