I’ve tripped on mushrooms multiple times in my life and my experiences have always been beautiful. I’ve returned to distant memories and reconnect with my inner child, and have also lived my entire life from birth to death, coming to terms with what is the right path for personal soul fulfillment. Every trip has had an important takeaway that lead me closer to understanding myself. I’ve taken penis envy and golden teachers, consuming about an eighth each time and being completely fine. I space my trips out typically every few months or so, but this time around was different.
My brother came home one day with an ounce of albino golden teachers, and I was super stoked because I had heard that trips on AGTs are incredibly extravagant and I felt like I was ready to experience something new. Again, we divvied it up so that I had about an eighth to take, and I nearly took the entire thing minus a small cap and one HUGE, dense cap. I already felt the trip coming on hard and decided to save the rest for another day. I want to preface by saying this happened a few days ago, and it was definitely the hardest trip I’ve had, but I was fine.
Yesterday.. this was a whole different story. The caps left over from the prior trip were still on my desk, and I decided on a whim that I would trip again. I’ve never tripped back to back like that and I’m thinking that may have been the kicker, but I was also on an empty stomach. So, I took them and wandered outside to sit under a tree and wait for it to hit me. The first time the trip came on so fast, but this time around it took a while. When it officially kicked in, I was having the time of my life. I felt so grounded and connected to the world around me, as if the sky, trees, and moss were all old friends. But then, I felt the urge to use the bathroom and a significant wave of chilliness came over me. I went inside to pee and change into pants with the objective of going back outside, and this is where things got bad.
I slowly seeped into a state of mind where I felt nothing but panic and sheer terror. I initially tried very hard to fight it and was nearly successful, but next thing I knew I was going back and forth from my bed to the bathroom, trying to make myself throw up. This didn’t work, and I’d get a zing of dread each time I tried. So I remained in my room alone caught in this loop for about three hours, having evil thoughts about who I am and the life that I live. It was almost as if my brain was attacking itself, inflicting pain on me that felt physical. I was suffering significantly, and there was nothing that I could do to find any sort of comfort. It got to the point where I was having serious thoughts about ending my life.
For the rest of the trip, I was floating in and out of consciousness, my body completely numb. I couldn’t speak or eat, and completely separated from myself. At one point, it took me multiple minutes to recall my birth date. The only thing I knew is that I would never be the same again, and I kept the horrid notion that I’d be stuck in this vegetable state for the rest of my life. The only way I could escape was through death. There was pain, torment, agony, and then it all ended abruptly. I now feel like a completely different person, and for the better. Like a snake wriggled out of a skin long overdue to be shed.
Has this happened to anyone? Is there a possibility this was ego death?